Anyone donated or 'succumbed' their frozen embryos?

We are in the position of needing to decide what to do with our 2 remaining frozen embryos. We have two beautiful boys from the same batch, one fresh transfer and the next frozen. I'm 40 now and still feel tired as they were close together and not great sleepers! If I was much younger I would wait then try to convince hubby to have another (I think). But the thought of being pregnant and having a newborn again makes me feel so exhausted, I think it would tip me over the edge.
We attended a seminar and I came away thinking I could donate them. But over time I realised my reasons were all wrong, I was hoping that they would come and find us when they found out they were doner conceived. I think I would be forever thinking of them if we went down this path, especially if I find out one was a girl.
The final choice of destroying or allowing them to 'succumb' also makes me feel very very sad, as if they are little beings already and I can't bear the thought of not allowing them a chance at life.
This is such a hard decision to make and and experiences or links to other people writing about this would be much appreciated!
x

Hi there, Numa

I have not been in your situation, but I didn't want to read and not reply..

I'm sure in a few hours more ladies will be up and about, and can share with you :)

Big hugs while you think and plan and decide :hug:

P

Not yet, but we have 6 frozen embryos and after this baby is born our family will be complete so will be needing to make our final decision.

At this stage we plan to donate the embryo's to research, rather than to another couple. I feel like they are OUR potential babies, not someone else's so donating to another couple doesn't sit right with me, I would always wonder if a life was created, if they are OK, who they are, etc etc, it would do my head in! Destroying them seems like such a waste when we worked so hard to create them. I like the idea of donating them back to the lab though to help with further improvements in IVF technologies - I then feel like we are doing something to help others affected by infertility (but less directly than actually donating them to another couple of course).

A GF took hers home and buried them in her back yard. This was a decision she was most comfortable with, but it's not one that I would do personally, it feels too 'death' like to me, whereas using them to help improve others chances of conception makes me feel like our decision has more to do with creating life than commemorating a death - Hope that makes sense.

We have one frostie.

I can say that I hate the idea of donating the embryo, and then for the child to come back to me later in life and say "hey mum why didn't YOU carry me and raise me?" for which I would have no real answer. That's just me. I would feel like I gave up on my child.

It seems that most people's decisions depend on whether or not they consider the embryo's to be alive or not. Do you?

:hug: difficult times, I hope you get an answer you are comfortable with.

Gosh, what a difficult decision & one we will be faced with soon (we have one frozen embie). I honestly have no idea what we will do. I've briefly considered all options and no one decision sits right for me/us yet. I feel the same as you when thinking about succumbing them and I never thought I'd have an issue b/c we only wanted one more child. Can you access counselling to help with your decision?

Ive never thought that one day we might have to discuss this... We currently have 2 but plan on using them cause i want a few kids.
Thinking now i think i would be more comfortable donating them to another couple, i think i could rest easy knowing ive helped someone else and could easily leave it at that, id even go so far as to not think about them after that i would just hope they grew and had a good life. if i could i would request not to be found (dont know if thats possible). for me my embryos are still life but by giving them away for me its not abandoning a child itms.. i dont think i could just let them.succum tho... Cause of the effort and pain and battle to get them here.
I hope you find a decision that you are comfortable with. ivf clinics have councilors surely one of the areas they help people with is thus can your clinic hook you up with one of them to go through it with you and help?

sent via my vortex manipulator!

Hi numa, such a tough decision. We have two boys, and like you i am forty and would love another baby....but i am just too tired!!! We dont have any embys on ice, so i cant imagine what a hard decision that would be. On one hand i would love to help another couple, but on the other, i would feel like my baby was out there, even though i dont consider the emby a life as yet. And, as you said, if it was a girl i would feel like it was the daughter i never had.

I hope you are able to come to terms with a decision. Bless. Xoxo.

Such a hard and personal decision, though I think MummyNaomi summed it up for me/us - we plan on donating ours to research. I feel a little selfish for saying it, but I just couldn't donate them to another couple, to me that would be like adopting out our 'living' children. At least by donating them to research I could feel like we are contributing to ease someone else's pain, albeit indirectly.

Good luck making your decision xx

We're not at thsi point yet, either, but it's something we've talked about.
At first, flush with joy at finally conceiving, we were keen to donate. But after DS came along we changed our minds. The idea of having 'our' kids out there - but not ours - suddenly became much more difficult to contemplate.
I prefer the idea of research or practice for the lab technicians than simply allowing them to succumb. DH is not so sure about that. We only have 2 and hope to go again - one day - so it may be that we won't have to decide any way.

It's a tough one - take your time and talk it out. I hope you can find the answer that sits best with you.

numa - this is such a tough thing to decide xx

One person explained how they felt about their embryos in terms of baking a cake. Did you have a cake when you had all the ingredients out on the bench? Did you have a cake when you mixed them all together and made a batter? Or did you have a cake once it came out of the oven? As far as she was concerned, the cake was only real at the end. So, she felt her embies were just the cake batter, ITMS.
But that was HER opinion, and it helped her decide what to do. Some of us feel like we have made a cake earlier on!!

Do you know what the laws are in relation to embryo donation and contact later on etc?

My husband always said that if someone asked him to donate his sperm for research, he'd happily oblidge, and I guess I would do the same with my eggs. But it feels a little different when I think about a embryo.

Good luck with your decision making. Whatever of the 3 choices you make, i hope no-one ever questions your choice or gives their opinion. No-one else is walking in your shoes, and no-one else (even fellow IVFers) has shared your parenting journey. You do what feels most right for you and your family.

Thankyou to everyone for taking the time to reply, sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. I haven't been able to come to a decision so have literally bought us a little more time. I'm reconsidering donating but am going to do a bit of research around children who have been donor conceived. I found a website called The Donor Conception network ( I think) and it looks quite good.
What a thoroughly modern dilemma!
Xx
Numa