Swapping Roles

DP and I are seriously considering swapping roles and I know there are others out there who have so intereted in hearing about it and getting a little advice.

In our case it would be a relatively easy transition as we are lucky that DP works in a position in one of my dad's companies so we would literally be swapping roles. It is a role I could do easily and my dad would be happy for us to swap (I have a killer memory that makes me very valuable in this sort of position) as we have already spoken about it. I already know most of the ins and outs plus I'd have DP on hand to train and advise me as we transition. DP seems better suited to the duties at home, he already does most of the cooking, shopping and cleaning (of course I wouldn't expect him to do everything). He is really good with the kids (not that I'm not) and would prefer to be the at home parent, I'd prefer to work so it seems quite the no-brainer. I'm also struggling mentally currently and we think working away from the home would help ease some of this. He already acknowledges the at home position is the more difficult one and said he would keep up all their commitments; rhyme time, playgroups and such, he doesn't want to be at home to slack, I've never seen him slack off with the kids ever... I'm pretty sure he would be more interactive than me!

My number one concern is breastfeeding. I don't want to stop, DD1 never had a bottle and I've never really expressed beyond to relieve engorgement in the shower so not sure how I would go. I don't know how often you need to feed a bottle or how much, I offer her boob at most peeps but I'm sure DP could work it out right? It seems I would need about 3 feeds worth at 100-150mLs each... I could even come home at lunch each day so only two bottle feeds maybe... the other worry is that DD2 isn't a very keen feeder and the bottle might make her even less interested in the breast...

Centrelink? Is it hard to change all of that around?

Guilt... there is a little even though it seems like what would work best for our family, I dunno... aren't I meant to want to be the one at home??

...could we really do this? Both of us are so excited at the possibility that makes me pretty certain it is the right choice for us... but... but... but... I don't know! Thinking out loud I guess...

Yes, we did it, and absolutely love it. No regrets in the slightest. How far is work from home? Could DP bring DD2 in for a feed midday? That way if he comes to you once, and you come to him once, the feeding might not be an issue at all.

This might not be a solution suitable for you, but we are planning on mixed feeding. DD2 might take a bottle from DP where she wouldn't from you because of your milk smell.

could your dh bring DD2 to work for you to feed??

ok, from a financial perspective, i would suggest, if you can, to wait until july 1 to do your swap. a number of reasons, but the main one being ftbb. your family income will be identical, but the breakdown will be different. at the moment, i'm assuming it's x for your other half, 0 for you. if you swap july 1, it will be x for you, 0 for your other half. if you swap before then, you would both have an income, so your family income would still be x, but you'd both individually have incomes, so you may end up having been overpaid ftbb (based on lower income earner) from 1 july last year til the day you swap

if it's only ftb that you claim, apart from changing estimates, there is nothing you need to do
if you also claim parenting payment, you can do that by ringing up and cancelling your ppp on the day you return to work, and DP can claim from that date. the bulk of that can be done on the phone. he would be asked to show an employment seperation certificate which shows final payment details

on the BF front, if you were to wait til july 1, bub would be almost six months and looking to start solids (if she hasn't already) - by then, you will have had a couple more months to both get her feeding more actively (my DD went from a slacker to a little hoover around 3 months!), as well as getting a stock of EBM ready for her before you return. if you express once or twice a day, you should have a decent stock of ebm - even if it's just ice cube sized portions. at that age, you could also get DP to feed her from a cup rather than a bottle, which would eliminate potential nipple confusion/laziness issues

ok, basic logistics done! now, on a personal note - DH is the SAHP in our family, and it works brilliantly. like your DP, he is the more "domesticated" person, he does the cooking and bulk of the cleaning. it's not up to the same standard as when i get antsy and do it again, but it's done kwim? He takes DD swimming, he makes sure she has lots of time outside, and then when i get home from work, he cooks while i do the more "educational" stuff - like reading etc with her (DH is dyslexic). i returned to work when DD was 10 months old, so a significant amount older than your DD - but i've been working ever since. I will admit that sometimes being the working parent and BF can be hard work. No matter how much DH is prepared to get up and cuddle DD if she wakes, when she wants boob, he just isn't who she wants. And i guess being the BF parent, i wake with a letdown when she cries quite often, and then can't settle myself back to sleep til she crashes "just in case". DH is brilliant at offering to help, but when DD ONLY wants mummy, there's not a lot he can do


as to your question about shouldn't you want to be at home?? pffffffffffft!! i fought tooth and nail to have DD - 5 miscarriages before her, 3+ years of IVF - and by the time she was 6 months i was contemplating returning to work earlier than initially planned. and when i went back at 10 months, it was a relief. i love my DD with all my heart - but there is a part of me that needs different stimulation. i need that time away from her to be the best parent i can be to her when i am with her kwim? it doesn't make me a bad parent. i don't go to work all day, then ignore her when i get home, do all i can to avoid her etc. it means we do get quality time together. right now, she's making me cups of tea in her kitchen, telling me what to write for you (cos i asked if she is ok with mummy working lol) - she said it's good, mummy goes to work, daddy takes her, daddy and her go swimming and to the shops, and then they pick mummy up and we get to play together after work. She has never cried when i go to work - she knows i leave, i call at lunch time (so she talks to me before her nap) and then i come home, and we have cuddles and things before dinner.

it's not for everyone. but then, neither is the stereotypical 50's stay at home mum (I'm no Mrs Cleaver!) - you have to do what is in the best interests of your whole family - and if that is mum working, dad at home, then go for it. it probably doesn't feel that way in society in general, but i can assure you, there are LOTS of families that do exactly this! i talk to the parents daily at work!

Thanks, that is really useful information! We will have to look into the timing a little more although we are both fairly keen to do it sooner rather than later it would be good to know 100% the implications of that before diving in. We only get FTB so that at least sounds quite simple to change, timing aside.

Our other concern is DD1 who is 3 has had me home full time her entire life and how the change would affect her although I think after the initial adjustment period, she would be pretty keen to have DP around full time... he is usually the more 'fun' parent lol although he is also much better at setting boundaries which I think she needs too. They currently spend a lot of one on one time together as DP has been trying to give me a bit of a break for my mental health before we realised how beneficial it could be to actually just swap roles. She is still breastfeeding, once in the morning and to sleep at night so we could have special time then.

We only have one car so logistically it would be difficult to arrange daytime feeds outside of my lunch break when I could come home quickly (and I wouldn't really want DP to have to drag both girls in constantly for feeds). Work is about 10mins away with no traffic. DD2 is a very BIG baby (7.1kg at 2months) and does go quite decent stretches between feeds already, I'm trying to keep a little bit of a track today just for a better idea what we are dealing with but from my best guess I could feed her at 8 before leaving for work, she would have a bottle around 10, I could come feed her sometime between 12 and 1, another bottle around 3 and then I'd be home to feed her just after 5. I figure each bottle would need maybe 150mL at this age? I would get expressing breaks at work, I would need to get a pump though I think but that is doable. I'm going to start building up a supply of EBM, I have a good oppurtunity to express quite a substantial amount each Saturday night too as DD1 sleeps over at her dad's place so I get incredibly engorged anyway! DD1 didn't really start solids till 9 months but she was also tiny and has a crazy metabolism so was feeding, feeding, feeding constantly... DD2 seems a very different bub in that regard but we will still be looking to wait till 6 months for solids and going down the BLS route again.

I think in the end, this is in the best interests of us all so we will just have to try and find a way around any of the small kinks. DP isn't coping at work, I'm not coping at home and everyone is suffering as a result lol might as well be where our strengths are.

Just re bottle sizes - when I asked a midwife I was told the amount of breastmilk they would need is weight x .03 - so your DD would need approx 210ml per bottle. That being said, it sounds like an awful lot though..... I guess it depends on each individual baby...

That is interesting because I'd say she is closer to 8kg now... she is a giant lol. Guess we will have to do a bit of a trial run.

Sounds like it's a done deal and would work out really well for your family. ;)

Just another thought - can you job share? You could at least do that to start with, even just one day or a couple of afternoons/mornings a week until DD is a little older (and therefore feeding well from a cup/bottle etc), you all get used to the arrangement and you get the hang of the job. Then, gradually increase the amount of time you work and decrease DP's?

It sounds like with the set up you have you could switch back if it doesn't work out? So trying it you wouldn't necessarily lose anything? Job sharing could be a good idea.

To give another perspective - I went back to work full-time when DD was 12 months, DH went part-time - I thought would be fine I am the main income earner and financially it makes so much more sense for me to be the full time worker. I hated it, I stuck it for three months which was the length of my contract (the job itself was fine and I enjoyed it) and then when they asked me to extend I said only if could go part - time, so I went part-time and DH went back to full-time. I felt like I never got to see DD, I know this is how it is for a lot of parents and dad's in particular but for me I just felt torn in two all the time. I am not a very maternal person so I always thought that we would do what was best financially for the family but when it came down to it I realized that for me I wanted to be at home at least some of the time and I will have to part time later this year after having DS again, but I now know I couldn't hack a full-time job and be a mum at least till both kids are in school. I am really glad I went back full-time because I often get full-time job offers and I think if I hadn't had that experience would always be tempted by them - but now I know the full time working thing isn't for me. It will be hard because part-time jobs are in short supply in my field but I don't want that feeling of being torn and not doing either my job or being a mum as good as I want to. I nearly took a full-time permanent position before that contract and actually if they hadn't dilly dallyed so much I would have, but I am so pleased that I didn't as I couldn't have left so quickly or been able to go part-time so quickly without it having a negative impact on my CV - but in sounds like in your case if you didn't like it could swap back?

Something we forgot to consider was the Child Support payments we recieve for DD1 as they will change if my income does. We don't recieve much and it is something we have chosen to never rely on so I don't think it should matter too much...

I have an appointment with my psych tomorrow so we will be floating the idea with her although she is somebody I have not seen as yet (old one retired after almost 10yrs together) which will probably make it hard for her to judge whether it is a good idea or not...

Sounds lovely and exciting for your family! So there'd be challenges, that makes life interesting

When my maternity leave finished, DH used his Long Service Leave for 4.5 months and was the SAHP when I went back to work Full Time. He was awesome. It worked well for both of us. DS was almost 11 months old when I returned to work and then when DH went back to work and I went p/time (4 days) DS started 2 days of child care at 15-16 months, it worked out well in so many ways.
DH loved not working, he preferred being a 'house husband' for lack of a better time, and was devo when it was time to return to work. At first he found it full on, didn't realise how much of a juggle it was to get the housework, child rearing, shopping, cooking etc etc done, but certainly learnt an appreciation of it real quick and worked out his own routine that worked a treat for him and DS. We are planning on doing the same when DD is born and I return to work as DH has more Leave saved up. I think that the best part was Dad getting to spend special time with his baby/toddler, they both relished in it and I am sure it will be the same again.
When we first swapped, I wrote down our routine, all DS likes/dislikes/moods/routine etc etc as even though DH had an awareness of it, he didn't know DS like I did. He found it useful in the first few weeks, but then never used the info again.

Surprisingly a few people found it weird - eg MIL made a few comments about it early, but then worked out it was too her advantage and dropped around A LOT when I wasn't here. A few mates made a few comments, but in hindsight, I think they realised how much DH enjoyed it. It was a great experience for us and we look forward to doing it again as it makes financial sense for us, as well as all the other perks!