I'm just wondering how people tackle the right of a child to know their parents when they adopt a child (especially from infancy). Do you (plan to) talk about them or have an album or momentos of their stuff?
I have seen the negative impact of secrecy on an adopted person, and it has made me very, very cautious about adoption in general, so I was just wondering how you navigate the issues of identity?
I was adopted at birth and my mum from a young age,3 I think would tell me the story of how she was supposed to wait for dad to come home from work to pick me up but she couldn't wait and went during the day and when dad put the key in the door he heard me crying. My parents were very open with me and I'm so glad. As a teen mum said that if I ever wanted to find my birth parents she would help me but back then I never felt the need but it was so important to me that they supported me in this and told me the truth.
Regards,
Dianne
I'd be as open as you can be.
From the other side - the birth family:
We had the family nearly torn apart with an adopted child finding their birth mother and the rest of us never knew that she had given up a child for adoption, so it was just dumped on everybody and it caused no end of heartache, not only with the birth family (mine) but the adopted family (they were unaware their child was trying to find their birth parents, but would have supported if they knew), the adopted child decided that they wanted to be a part of the family and almost broke up a marriage over it.
it sounds like you are hurting Sopdet, but blaming the child for a couple's marriage problems is a bit rough.
i have been in both adoptive family and birth family situation and there are difficulties being in both. Openness and respect are crucial, and protection of the child is of most importance.
Even children who are now adults can still be a hurt or confused little child
HotI didn't impact me except as an outsider watch this person actively try to break up the marriage. As for hurting, not at all, the adopted adult caused their own grief and have been disowned by both adoptive and birth family. I just pity them and the way they went about things.
Definately be open and honest as much as possible.
My mum dropped the bombshell that she adopted out a child when we were teenagers. It was a shock and we have no relationship with our step sister at all. TBH, looking back now on things my mum did and said as a parent and as her own person, it all makes sense about the child she adopted out.
I like the idea of the momentos and album for the child, they may be able to relate better. I am sure there would be books that could help on the subject?
My Mum and Uncle are both adopted. They have always known, they can't even remember the first time they were told. My Nan has always said that she was supportive of both of them finding their birth parents. My Mum has never bothered as Nan was the one who raised her so Nan is her Mum. My Uncles birth parents made contact about 10 or so years ago and they now see them pretty regularly. Being open about it was definitely the best thing.
In Australia we now practice Open Adoption, not the Closed Adoptions of the past. This gives the birth mother and father the right to request information and photos 4 times a year and visits 4 times a year. In our case we have both of these, but only with our birthmum. Birthfather came to our visits a couple of times when DD was a baby (she'll be 2 in a couple of weeks) but I think there is a good chance we will not see him again. Birthmum has been very consistent, we meet at a park for a couple of hours. It's a wonderful thing for all of us.
When our adoption was legalised in court, the visit requests and information exchange was built into the Adoption Order. We are legally bound to attend these visits, although don't need that legal binding. We wholeheartedly embrace birthfamily contact and how important it is for DD. Our DD is also from another culture (born here in Australia) so birthfamily visits will become more important as she gets older and she becomes more aware she physically does not look like us (personality is another story, she is a combination of DH & I!!). We also actively do things in our life so she learns about her culture. We eat the food, learn about the country, spend time with other families who have adopted children from that country and in the future we plan to travel there.
We have a lifestory photo book for DD. It is all about the 7 months before she came to us. It's about her, her birth parents, her foster family and us. We read it whenever she asks. I get it out every day in the week leading up to a visit with her birthmum, so when she sees her, she feel familiar. DH and I hope our daughter grows up with a very healthy attitude to her adoption and she'll know not just the love of us her parents but the love of her birthmum too.