Any advice from Parents of spirited little ones?

I have two beautiful boys. It has taken me a while but I have identified they are not just naughty or poorly disciplined, they are spirited or high needs children who require a different approach to most children which is a bit of a relief because I have tried a lot of approaches (rewards charts, naughty step etc) recommended by the mainstream and have got nowhere with them.
Here's my current main challenge- when I tell them what's for a meal they invariably have a passionate response to it either "YUM!!!" or "That's disgusting! I am not going to eat it, I hate you" etc...the problem is not that they are fussy eaters- far from it and the response is mostly instigated by our five year old who then goes through various stages "I might try a little" etc before consuming the whole of whatever I have cooked, both declaring me the "best maker in the world and I love you" and asking for seconds (then yelling at me if there is no more of the previously disgusting food!!).
I am firm with " this is what there is, you can eat it if you want or not" but they continue to abuse and yell at me before basically every mealtime. It seems to be based on what they think they should be having and the transition from what they imagine they might have and what they will actually get is the yelling at me but it is really, really exhausting and trying... anyone been through anything similar?

i wonder if you could work with their skill at food crtitiqueing and talk about how they have to look at it, smell it and taste it and when they have finished they can give their comments and score card.... They need to do all the important jobs before they can the score. don't know if it might be a bit much for their age, but maybe something to work towards...

Are they interested in helping you with the cooking, or setting the table? Or helping with a meal plan for the week - so they have input on what meals are and know in advance what is coming?

i haven't been there yet but just throwing out some ideas for you.

Love that idea Hoti!

You could also try prepping them earlier. Eg make meal plans so that if it is a disappointment thing they haven't been imagining what they think they will get before asking you. You could do it in the morning. Also you could go over 'cool', 'weak' and 'aggro' ways to give their reviews. Eg crying an whining would be weak, screaming and abusing would be aggro and using their score cards and descriptive words (you could make a chart of cool words to use) would be cool.

There is a book about raising spirited children - google it, because I can't remember the exact name or the author. It is just brilliant for raising ANY child, and particularly children who are harder work to gain their cooperation and attention.
My main tenet is "Love me when I least deserve it because it's when I need it the most" :) My DS is a bit older now and I can relax and not be on the ball so much, and my DD is a more scaled down version of DS, so it seems a bit in the past now...till I saw the thread title ;)

sounds like my son.

I like to look ahead and think of what wonderful qualities my kids will have as adults. :) It helps sometimes.

I like the weekly meal planner idea... decide together for the week and maybe put pictures (text if they can read it - or both) of the meals on a planner on the wall somewhere where they can see it?

they do help me cook but even when they have made the food they react like this sometimes- I just wen through lunch.. youngest told me he and daddy didn't eat beetroot dip and things like that...well after devouring 2/3rd of the dip and broccoli and baby carrots he declared me the best maker in the world again...eldest son chose beetroot dip for lunch. maybe having them even more involved will help though (oh the mess!) I will give it a go!

Are you sure you aren't living in my house??? It is exactly the same here. My favourite time was I was driving home after picking DD (5 yrs) from kinder and she told me that she hated what I was cooking for dinner and promptly burst into tears - we hadn't even talked about dinner so she had no idea what it was, LOL!!

Hoping someone can give us some helpful pointers.

I cook gross dinners. Always.
No point trying to please someone with an attitude like that

Ahh, i nearly laughed, and then cried. I have two boys too. I think my eldest (4) is soooo used to complaining about his dinner that he just forgets that sometimes he likes it, and rarely is it disgusting! But it's almost part of the routine. It makes me even more chuffed when he does burst out with "thank you mum, i love your meatballs (or whatever)". I feel i must have earned it!

It is usually a smoother meal time if he has chosen all, or part, of the meal.

oh No! I didn't realise that other people went through the same thing as me- I feel for you all! At least I do get told at the end of every meal that I am the best maker in the world (even last nights dinner- takeaway pizza- this was then modified to best planner in the world) they are passionate wee things. sometimes I wish they didn't have to be so passionate about EVERYTHING!:)

Read the book "taming the spirited child" by Michael Popkin - DS is exactly the way yours sounds (along with having aspergers), and this was the best book I read and it has help diffused so many situations in our house.

I got it from my local library, and am about to buy it from Amazon to have a permanent copy. trust me, 2 hrs read (tops) and you will not regret it!

I'm off to the library too

I am reading 'raising your spirited child' at the moment. i didn't like the title 'taming the spirited child', but might take a look if you reckon it is good. (

Jessie,
I am wondering if your kids have what we call "hungry grumpy" in our house. If my 4yo DS is hungry he is horrible, and (to make matters worse) in that state it is very difficult to get him to eat anything. Once we manage to get something eaten our happy kid comes back very very quickly. And until that has happened there is no point trying to explain or ask for anything at all.

I also found that any kind of "surprise" telling off or negative consequence just seemed to make things worse. But what has been pretty effective is the "count for the day". If he's naughty (usually either completely ignoring what I ask for or doing his best to make it difficult for me to do what I need to do - for example refusing to open his mouth for teeth cleaning, or refusing to stop playing on the computer when asked) I count. And the next naughty time the count starts where it left off. And if by the end of the day we are at "10" then there are no stories at bedtime.

We have only had a couple of nights with no stories.....

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I am reading 'raising your spirited child' at the moment. i didn't like the title 'taming the spirited child', but might take a look if you reckon it is good. (

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Am off to borrow both. Tho I agree 'taming' doesn't sound like it would feel right in our house.

I'm beginning to believe that DD2 is a spirited child, Hot1 how did you go reading that book??

I'm reading raising your spirited child and so far I'm finding it very helpful. It's very informative about why they are the way they are.