Losing something you can never replace

I'm am new to this site but have been looking for somewhere to share how I feel after losing this baby. I am fortunate to have two beautiful boys already and have suffered one miscarriage before but this one has left me reeling. The first miscarriage I had was back in 2009 and that baby was lost spontaneously at around 7 weeks - I hadn't even had a scan at that stage when I started to bleed heavily and painfully so I knew straight away what was happening. And then I bled for months afterwards. At that stage I had come off of depo after a few years on it - it had taken more than 18 mths to conceive but I guess my body still wasn't ready. As devastated as I was then I guess it wasn't as hard as now because this one is a missed miscarriage and right now is still inside of me. I'm in the 'wait and see' stage as recommended by my Dr but have another appointment today as I am not coping with this very well. I have so many mixed feelings right now that I am trying to work through. We weren't trying for another baby. Our youngest is 2 so we wanted to wait a little longer. Since he was born I went on to Implanon - I was told some light bleeding would be a side effect andf for me indeed it was. Urged by my Dr at the time to give it some time to 'settle' I waited and waited for the bleeding to stop but it was pretty much constant. So in February I had enough and had it removed. Went onto the pill and then in May I just knew I was pregnant. Part of me was happy but at the time mostly I was worried. We had wanted to wait until we the toddler was older but also until we were in a better place financially before trying for another baby. Also because I don't do pregnancy well - both my previous successful pregancies I suffered severe morning sickness (or all day, all night sickness as I like to call it) for nearly the whole time. So working full time with a crazy energetic toddler and an active 7 year old AND with a partner who works away while being seriosly sick wasn't really what I wanted. BUT having conceived I knew I wanted this child and the excitement began. I had a scan which dated the baby at 7 weeks 5 days and we saw out beautiful little one's heart beating strongly. Everything was fine. Although it was early we decided to tell our eldest son because we were so excited and knew he would be too. I guess because we'd had the scan and everything was OK that there was no reason not too because everything was wonderful and we were going to have another baby right? WRONG... soon after I started spotting, nothing heavy, no pain and was around the time when my period was due so I tried not to worry about it. Especially as I had also had some light bleeding with my pregancy with my youngest son. I still 'felt' pregnant. I waited several days and the bleedng didn't get any heavier and still no pain or cramping so I convinced myself everything was OK but I started to get that horrible feeling that sometyhing wasn't right. I went to see my Dr last Wednesday who sent me to have a scan straight away. I should have been almost 10 weeks. I went in hoping for the best - that it was just a bit of breakthrough bleeding and everything would be OK. I just needed to rest more or something. The ultrasound technician was lovely and tried to reassure me but as soon as the scan started I could see things were not right. She was having trouble getting a clear picture and told me it didn't look good. The baby was still there but 'faint' - she said that normally the picture will come through a lot clearer. She tried for the heartbeat and as I'd seen the heartbeat graph many time before I knew before she even said it 'I'm truly sorry but there is no heartbeat'. My baby had died at around 8 and a half weeks so had been dead inside me for more than a week. She got me back in to see my Dr who again tried to be reassuring. As he was just a GP he referred me the the hospital ER to get a seen there for further assessment and told me they may offer a D&C. So off to the ER I went. My partner didn't come as we had the other kids and didn't want to scare them. We didn't know at that time what to say. I sat in the waiting room trying not to cry while my heart was breaking. After waiting several hours I was called in. The nurses were lovely but then I had the most horrible, unconsiderate Dr I have ever met. He came in and after asking me a few questions basically said 'Why are you here? Why did your Dr send you here?' - What was I meant to say to that? I was such an emotional wreck already. I explained that my GP thought I required further assessment and possibly a D&C. He told me that because I wasn't in enough pain that I should just wait and see. That I was to go back to my GP in a week if nothing further happens. He truly made me feel like I was stupid for being there and certainly did not offer any reassurance what so ever. I left with no idea of what to expect or what to do. I know know that I should have asked a lot more questions but at the time given the way I was feeling and the way he spoke to me I just wasn't in a state to do so. So off home I went with to start the waiting game. My 7 year old knew something was wrong so we decided to explain to him that the baby had died. It broke my heart all over again as he just burst into the most gut wrenching grying I have ever seen from him. He was so devestated and confused. We tried our best to explain it to him but how do you explain why when you don't know why yourself. We decided to name the baby - we all felt it was a girl so we have called her Jorja Rose as Jorja was the name my son had already picked out if he was to have a sister. So now I have been waiting for 5 days with no significant change, the bleeding gets no heavier. I have had some cramping but really I still feel as though I have morning sickness. I'm finding that very hard to deal with - how can that be when my baby is dead. I have been walking this torrent of emotions. Guilt - what did I do wrong, was it because we didn't 'want' the baby straight away, should I have gone to the Dr the moment the spotting started. Fear and confusion - what is meant to happen, what exactly am I waiting for, do I just 'wait and see' and if so how long for, is it better to wait for it to naturally pass or should I insist on a D&C. Anger - at myself, at how I was treated at the hospital. But above all I am just sad, unbearably sad because I know there is no changing it. That I have lost something I can never replace.

I am so sorry for your loss :hug: especially when you wrote about how you broke the news to your eldest son. :comfort:

You were treated appallingly by that doctor. His bedside manner was atrocious! Go back to your GP and discuss the pros and cons of both miscarrying naturally and By D&C. Sending you healing and strength I help you through this difficult time xxx

I am so very sorry for your loss, the world just isn't fair sometimes. It broke my heart to read the impact it's had on your son, it must be gut wrenching for you :hug:

Be kind to yourself, none of this is your fault. You need to keep telling yourself that :hug:

So very sorry for your loss, sending you love and strength.

Regards,
Dianne

I am so sorry for your loss :(

I've had a missed miscarriage myself, baby died at 5 weeks but we didnt find out until almost 10 weeks, at my first US. I also spent hours in the ER waiting to see a doc, but I was told to come back the next day for a d&c . I'm truly sorry that knob of a doc treated you so unkindly. :hug:
I hope your appointment today can give you some answers on what will happen next.
Thinking of you xx

please dont blame yourself, give yourself the time and allow yourself to grieve, you are right, losing a baby is something that can never be replaced. Biggest of hugs xx

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby and appauled at the treatment you received by that Dr. I would go back to your referring GP for another scan & bloods to see what is happening.

I'm so very sorry to read this. Take care xoxoxo

im very sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you truely know that nothing you thought or did made this happen. Im sorry you had to explain such a difficult thing to your son. Its hard for us to explain to ourselves let alone a child.

Im also sorry the Dr you saw was not more understanding. When i had my missed m/c i had a D&C the next morning. I had no pain, no bleeding at all. I dont understand why some recommend "Waiting and Seeing". I found it much "easier" to have the D&C and I really beleive it would have been much harder to deal with to go through a natural m/c if i had been made to wait for nature to take its course.

i hope you get the help and treatment you want and go on to have a happy and healthy pregnancy when the time comes.

I'm do sorry for your loss :( fly free little jorja rose

My heart breaks as I read this.... I am so so sorry for your loss, it is never anything less than an emotional roller coaster full of everything you described. *hugs* my sweet

I'm so sorry to read of your loss :( It sucks doesn't it...
We recently lost our little bub, whose heartbeat we'd seen on several occasions already. We were offered a D&C or wait for it naturally. I decided on a D&C as I was afraid of the bleeding and pain going with it. It took a while to feel alright, but now all of a sudden it's almost a month after and it feels like ages ago. The one thing we really wanted the D&C as well was so we could find out what was possibly wrong with bub and with it we also found out the sex.
I'm sending you big hugs as I know you'll need them...

Oh Hun. I'm so sorry. I've been there - sitting in the ED, waiting, heart breaking... The ED at my hosp shares it's waiting room with birth suites (or something) so I was surrounded by large bellies and smiling faces while I sat and cried and DH rubbed my back.

I too had an incredibly insensitive medical professional (mine was the sonographer) and I just cannot believe that these people are doing what they do. Where is the compassion? The gentleness? The acknowledgement of what you are going through?

I also had to tell my DD that the baby had died. She didn't quite get it, or so I thought.. Weeks later, she said at random that mummy was sad and asked me if it was because the baby in my tummy had died :crying:

Reduced me to tears all over again. I still get teary about it now.

I feel your pain. Literally. That horrible feeling inside. The sucky fact is there are so many of us who have experienced this... We are all here to hold your hand as you walk this terrible road. You're not alone.

I'm so sorry your lovely Jorja couldn't stay with you and your boys.

:hug:

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through - losing your baby, the horrible Dr and the rollercoaster of emotions.
Sending you lots of healing thoughts at this time