How do you compromise on which school to go to?

DH and I are at a stalemate over DD's school. And we're both very stubborn so neither is budging - the problem there is that it automatically means I lose.

I'd like her to go to Trinity College, which is a Christian school, even though we're not religious. DH is very much against religion, so he wants her to go to the tiny local primary school and maybe Trinity for high school. My reasoning is:

- It's a fantastic school with every opportunity she could ever hope for
- She'll be at the same place from start to finish, no changing schools or friends
- Starting in primary school means automatic acceptance into high school, where it'd be much harder from another primary school. Neither of us want her going to the local public high school, no way
- The religion is a small part of the school, with no requirement for families to be Christian
- The religious lessons are basically about good life skills, how to be a good person, with a big focus on tolerance, surely that's a good thing?
- We're still DD's parents, if she comes home with questions about God I'd like to teach her what I believe, and about other religions to provide a balance

DH's reasoning is:
- We're not religious and he doesn't want it pushed on her, doesn't want to deal with the questions when she comes home

That's it. Just one reason that I believe we can overcome. But because we now avoid talking about it because it always ends in a fight, we're running out of time to put in her enrollment application.

We've done a tour of the school and he agrees it's great, but the religion is still a hurdle. What would you do in my situation?

What do you mean by "not religious"? Do you mean you don't believe in God or Christ? Or that you do believe but you don't worship regularly?

Are you certain that what you've said is all the RE classes consist of? I find it hard to believe that a Religion based school only teaches basic morals/ethics etc without getting into the whole God thing. Have you done a similar list for the school that your DH wants her to go to? I think you will find that in a small public school that she will have just as many opportunities for learning as she would in a private primary school - usually the differences come once you get to high school. Drawing up a list for both schools will be very helpful to both of you - as would both of you making an appointment to talk to the principal of both schools. Don't automatically assumed that private = better. I am assuming if you both don't want her to go to the public high school, then he is OK with her attending this school as a teen? Why the difference between sending her for primary and sending her for secondary?

It is a hard decision and one that you don't make lightly. When my DH first suggested to me that he wanted DS to go to a boarding school for high school next year, I was originally against it, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought it was the best thing for him - on the condition that he attend a govt boarding school and not a private, religion based one. So we went through the motions and we find out tomorrow if he got in or not.

TBH, I would see going to a public PS and then Trinity for HS as a compromise.
Trinity is a great school, but like any private school (particularly the COE ones) completing one's entire schooling there can be a very sheltered experience. From the religious POV alone, the exposure to many more cultures and kids at a public PS will give her a broader view; whereas being in the school her entire life will make taking any other road more difficult, itms, I can totally understand why your DH feels reservations about that.
Plus, the fees for 13 years at Trinity would be astronomical! Could it be that is a concern playing on his mind also, but the religion is just another?

Like a PP said, I think, for me it comes down to whether you believe in God/Jesus or not.

If you do, I think it's fine.

If you don't, I think it would be very confusing for a primary school aged child to come home to find their parent saying, "well, that's what some people believe but what I believe is ...."

I think that a teenager could cope with that, but not a small child.

Basically we don't believe in any particular religion. Not necessarily atheist, just not anything. It's a little different for DH as his dad is incredibly against religion and God. DH says this doesn't factor into it, but I find that hard to believe.

The religious studies in primary school are very basic. Obviously it's all related to Christianity and the bible so it is more complex than the way I've written it. Essentially they take a passage from the bible and see how they can apply it to life. The principal did the school tour we were on and explained it as taking life lessons from the bible, so they are in a religious context. Apparently Christian students/families aren't a big majority at this school so it's quite balanced and not 'hard core'.

Personally I'd also prefer it if we had access to a school like this that wasn't religious, but as we don't, I feel like this will give her the best education and we can balance out the religion at home.

DH doesn't mind so much if she goes there for high school, he says by then she'll be able to make up her own mind about the religious aspect and won't have it "pushed" on her. LS, I get what you mean about different experiences, that is a good point. My thinking I suppose was that I didn't want her to have to start fresh at the beginning of high school and potentially lose friends if they go elsewhere, as well as being in a completely new place.

The fees aren't an issue, this is Trinity in SA. They're are a school with five campuses in one, the fees are excellent.

As for opportunities at either school, we really are in a tiny town. Our school has around thirty kids, the next closest would have less than a hundred. Trinity offers their primary students access to the same things as the high school - farm, big library, technology. While I agree in primary school they'll learn the same things, I feel like it won't be the same, and will make it harder to change schools for high school. I do think it's a good idea to meet with the principal of the smaller schools though.

If this is for your 1 year old, would your hubby be ok with putting the applivation in now and then deciding when you get closer to her starting? Alot can change in 4 years, with you and your decisions and also the school (change of principal etc).

That's exactly what I said to him this morning HotI :) I'll be happier because I'll know she has a place (if she gets one) and in the meantime we can investigate the other schools. Four years is a long time, it feels so silly to argue about school already!

Kaytee - such a hard one - we're having the exact same 'discussion' but in reverse (I'd like primary public school, maybe private high school; DH wants private all the way through).

I liked reading your reasoning and it's helping me see where DH is coming from.

Hope you can come to a happy compromise hon. Will be following this thread closely!

Kaytee, I'm having a similar issue with my DH except we have agreed on a local public primary school & I want private high school and he wants public high school because of the religion factor.

I went to sunday school & girls brigade as a child (by my request as my cousins went & it was fun). When I was ten I stopped going. Why? Because I was able to figure out for myself what I believe. I think your DH is underestimating your DD's ability to make her own informed decisions from a young age. I know my DD is already making some albeit minor decisions for herself. Kids are smarter than they let on :). I also went to a catholic high school (for years 8, 9 & 10) and their religious side was less "pushed" than the religion we had to attend at the public high school I attended for years 11 & 12. In fact they taught about other religions as well, buddhism, islam etc so I feel it was much more balanced than the christian church teachings at the public school. Maybe public schools don't have this anymore, I'm not sure but it was a weekly thing for half the year where I went. The other half the year it was sex ed /personal development. The people who actually needed it wagged lol!

Maybe my personal experience could help you convince him ;)


ETA: The catholic school I went to had religion as a subject where we were required to do it for one term per year - so one lesson per day for one term on a broad range of religions. We could do more if we chose to. We also had Mass three times per year which basically was a really long assembly with students putting on a show - dancing, drama, singing. It was quite fun. There was a little bit of praying & communion? I think where they do the bread & wine thing but we didn't have to do it. If we weren't participating, we just sat quietly, & respected the other students who did. A good lesson in patience and respect for others IMO.

Thanks so much Rowellen, I'll read that out to DH tonight!

I also believe DD will be able to make up her own mind, rather than blindly following whatever she's told. I also think the topic will come up long before school anyway, I remember talking to my parents about it before I was going to school.

I had another memory come to me this morning, about our niece. She was never taught anything about any religion, and one day when she was about 8 she stayed over ay a friend's place, who's family turned out to be Christian. We were at FIL & MIL's the next day, and FIL says "J, tell Uncle J what you believe in now". She told us what her friend had told her about Jesus - pretty basic stuff, and said she wants to go to Heaven.

The poor girl was totally ridiculed. No explanation as to why her family doesn't believe, no questions asked as to why she wants to know more about it, just teased for "believing in something so stupid". So I do think his family is a reason behind DH not being so keen.

Thanks for all the different perspectives everyone. After writing it out and reading the responses it's helping me look at it a little more objectively.

No problem Kaytee :) I want to add a bit more so I'll just edit my response above.

Oh your poor niece :( That's not nice at all. It certainly doesn't allow her to make an informed decision about her beliefs and could undermine her confidence to tell her family about her choices for fear of being ridiculed.