Disillusioned by it all.

It makes me cringe everytime I hear someone say 'or I am going to smack you' or ' do you want me to smack you'. or anything to those lines.

I have just realised that just about everyone I know IRL smacks there child or children. One mum who I worked with who I thought was so much like me in everything about parenting made a comment the other week 'he just knows we are out and I wont smack his bum here' I was very taken back, I really thought she was a gentl parenting mum.

I had a conversation with a very close friend about it and she got defensive and so we don't talk about that at all anymore. I just wanted to let my thoughts out and here is a good place to get some understanding.

What must be going through a childs head when their parent threatens them with smacking, with violence? I don't get it how anyone could really want to cause harm to your child. When they hurt themselves a parent can be so quick to soothe and comfort and yet cause them pain at other times with no soothing or comfort.

Like I said, just my thoughts that are swimming around my head that I need to get out. Yes I should just worry about how I parent and worry about my kids. I just feel alone in that I am the only one that will never hit my children.

I think this also comes from the fact that while I was on my holiday my mum admitted that she smacked DD1 on the bottom and instantly regretted it and felt bad. I was angry at first because she knows we don't smack. I have moved on from now but made it very clear it should never ever happen again.

Sorry for the ramble.

:hug: yes we should 'worry' about our own children, but there's no harm in caring about what happens to to other children too. I've vowed never to 'teach' DD with intimidation, fear or violence. It only teaches her to fear a reaction, and not do the behaviour or action because she doesn't want to get in trouble, not because she knows it isn't right. I was smacked as a child, at times it was much worse than smacking...and all I used to think was "why doesn't mum love me?". Violence begets violence.

I hear what you ladies are saying. I really do, but...
my last threat was yesterday- this is how it went down. I have 3 kids. 2 sick with a tummy bug and 1 didn't want to go to school, he's just started grade school and has no friends yet, hubby had important meeting with govt people and was running out of time. ds1 argued for 20mins before getting in the car to go to school, wouldn't get out of the car. came home and argued another 20mins then I told him go to school before I smack you.
the whole time Im cleaning the other 2kids, had very little sleep for 2nights and if we let him stay him it sets us up later to never get any of them to go- "because I don't want to"
we got told not to have ds1 late to school again. this 1st 6 weeks is very important and they're learning stuff that is hard and a lot if work ( not in au)
short of the threat, what else could we do?
hubby was called by govt people asking where he was during this.

I try very hard not to smack as a rule I use if they r in trouble I use time out however if they r putting themselves in danger at the same time as mis behaving I will smack so that it's a warning to stay away from whatever was putting them in harm . I have tho lost my cool with ds1 3.8 yrs and smacked like u I felt guilty about it bout I can only be pushed so far and this one time I draw a line so I can see how parent get push and pushed by kids testing how much they can get away with to ending u with a smack

Just because someone says that they will smack their child doesn't mean that they will do it or even have any intention on following through.
I also admit to sometimes saying to DD "if you keep on doing that I will smack you". I don't smack or have any intention of smacking her, but this is the way that I communicate to her that what she is doing is making me really angry and she needs to stop doing it now (as opposed to something that is not so serious). We usually then talk about the reasons for what she is doing and why she needs to stop. So the "threat" of smacking is not actually that, but more of a code for "this is serious", but unless you live with us and know the way we operate and the words we use on a daily basis, it would be hard to tell. I'm probably not describing it very well...

Smacking worked for us, I would give them a warning (not a threat) and 9 out of 10 times they didn't get a smack anyway. I used smacking as a form of discipline, not violence, there is a huge difference.

Regards,
Dianne

agree. I have talked to hubby about this. if you smack you need to be calm and controlled and explain why to the child- ie I smacked your hand so you remember not to put things into the power socket. violence and abuse happen when an adult reacts out of anger and loses control. big difference.
I have smacked and will probably smack again, and I don't like the judgements from others.
if your not with that person you don't know the whole picture, so send some patience vibes instead of judgements :)

I can't speak from parenting experience, I haven't been there yet. I definitely do NOT condone any smacking for very young children (under 3 or 4?). However have not ruled it out for reasons explained by doubletrouble, crazycatlady and starfish. I do not judge people who smack their kids. We are all learning, there is no big book. I do think there is a massive difference between a smack on the hand when the kid is about to put a stick in a toaster, and beating a child or using instruments.

From a child's perspective who was smacked (rarely, mind you), I was not scared of my parents. I didn't quiver with fear or anything, I just knew I'd messed up and was in biiig trouble!! The moments of discipline that have stuck with me are the words, knowing I had really disappointed and upset my parents. I felt so guilty and still do as an adult. I feel like my parents did a good job really, and I think I'll parent my children in the same style.

I don't use threats to get a required outcome. I have consequences that are appropriate for the child. If there is an issue with behaviour it is very rarely incident based. It is pattern based and it usually extends from a certain boundary that they don't either understand or adhere to. And every situation be it large or small has a consequence. Not because I'm trying to punish and hurt my child. Not because I want or expect immediate changes in behaviour. Because it is a tool to teach. And sometimes the consequences aren't "Time out" or confiscation of toys/TV/Technology. Generally the consequence is best suited to the situation at hand so that he is learning something. Threatening a child with anything be it time out or any other punishment isn't going to fix the behaviour or help them understand what they are doing is not ok, or better yet that they have the tools to choose something else that will have a better outcome.

For example DS is going through really selfish phase. Last night we had a really big talk about it, and even though it's something I've been trying to teach him through other methods we've come up with a way for him to practice. Now this is a consequence. I had a moment where I lost the plot over something trivial he had done, and I yelled. Something I wasn't proud of. So we sat down and had a chat. Now he has a new task to help him practice selflessness. Every day he is going to do something selfless to show me that he is practicing. And also to show him how good it feels to practice being nice, sharing, being thoughtful to others.

I believe every little bit of challenging behaviour is an opportunity for us to teach our children something different. And teaching them that just because I said so doesn't work. It isn't giving them the life skills they need as adults. And that is our job. To teach children to be good humans. Isn't it? It's not about our inconvenience, or what others think. It's about setting them up for success. And whether it's objecting to bedtime, bopping a sibling with a toy, or screaming. They are all behavioural traits that can be unlearned and it's up to us to do that. Instead of dealing with the moment, look at the big picture. I'm not going to say I don't lose the plot, or I don't find things frustrating. I do, and I yell and I get upset. But I put that in check when I can and dig deeper and try work backwards. And it works. I've never had to threaten a smack. If you ask my DS what a smack is he'll look at you blankly. Yet they are good kids. Most kids are, they are just learning. And sometimes it takes them a little longer to get it. And what are they getting? Sharing - Respect for others, Tantrums - Dealing with emotions, Constantly wanting everything now - Self awareness, and the awareness of others, as well as patience. These are the lessons that we teach. Not just because I said so. But WHY. WHY do I have to do this? And TBH this is a very fair question.

I hear what you ladies are saying, but I wont ever give understanding when I hear someone use smacking as a threat or warning. I have kids and they get naughty and do things that they should not and get close to doing dangerous things but I have never had to use a smack threat or warning to show them or stop them. I have once sort of hit DD1 hand but it was more of a grab but in a hard way when she reached for something hot. I still think of that and how bad I felt.

To me hitting is violence, it is a form of violence, whether it is a tap or it is a full on blows it is still violence. I know there are kids that have it so bad and I ache at the thought but that does not mean that a child getting a smack or even threatened is more exceptable to me. Like I said it just makes me cringe.

My main point was that I needed to get my thoughts out and that is why I posted in the Gentle parenting section, so that people that gentle parent can help me. Like with my friend I did not need to have reasons defended to me. I have heard them and read them on here before.

PZ. Thank you. We think the same.

Rouge, Yes, yes yes to your post is the best I can say. It is all just YES to me. I sat here nodding my silly head the whole way through I probably looked like a bobble head.

I sympathise Kazzo, I feel very much the same as you do when it comes to smacking but I am lucky that I very rarely come across people in my life who condone smacking as a form of discipline.

I don't want to smack my kids, even though I was smacked as a child and I don't necessarily feel it did me any great harm. I just feel that I can come up with other ways to parent that don't involve getting physical. I like to be able to say to my kids, "please don't hit your sister, hitting is not appropriate behaviour, we don't smack/hit in this house" when they hit each other as I believe in teaching by example.

Like you, I have heard a lot of the reasons people feel that smacking is justified and I am not going to get into a debate about it here as this is the gentle parenting section. I just want to say to you Kazzo, I hear you, it is hard when you are against the crowd in parenting. However, I really feel strongly about revisiting our thoughts and assumptions when it comes to parenting, constantly rechecking we are on the right path. If you feel right about what you are doing, that is very important. Ultimately, you are answerable to your children and yourself.

I'm with you Kazzo. I'm the first of my generation to have kids in my family so there haven't been little kids around for a while and EVERYONE before me has smacked. Apparently 'it's the only way'. At least I don't have any friends who do it so I'm not faced with that. I do wonder what my friends will be like as parents when they have kids and how that will change our relationship. I expect that, like you, I will find it difficult if they hit their kids.

I don't smack, and I don't threaten to. I try not to threaten with any punishment at all (although I fail at this a lot). I just don't think punishment teaches the right thing. And physical violence from anyone is just not on in my house, whether you call it smacking, hitting, or 'discipline'.

My big cringe comes when the girls are going crazy in the background and i am on the phone to my mum and she tells me: "to just give 'em a smack...that'll sort them out" :o

Makes me feel sick to my gut.

I can count on one hand the times that i have smacked DD1 and each and every moment is one that i regret (even when one of them was a potential life-risk moment..she ran on the road and out of shock i dragged her back and smacked her...it was so inappopriate of me and made her scared of me rather than the actual danger of running onto the road).

I am so thankful that i managed to find a gentle parenting approach. it has transformed our family and it has been i reckon, a learning experience for me and for DH, we had to unlearn so many of the parenting principles that we were brought up with just so we could achieve the family harmony that we wanted and needed. it is constant work for us though as some of those patterns are so ingrained...like the threat for example (threat of getting angry, threat of going home etc). I hate threats and I can just see the insecurity in DD1s eyes when it does happen. It is so much more beneficial for us to explain things out (ie why her behaviour is driving me bonkers and how it is making us feel etc. she has responded in amazing ways and it gets easier and easier with time).

I know many parents that don't smack and in nz we have a no smacking law- meant to help stop child abuse but as usual its just hurting regular parents and the abusers still abuse.
I think it would be helpful for a lot of parents to see more gentle parenting information readily available.
After all ever child is unique and needs parenting differently to another so knowledge is positive power.
The village here is a great place and I dont think you are a minority :)
I have heard what you said and glad of discussions, personally.

I've lost a friend over smacking. She doesn't talk to me any more. Down to her asking me if Liebs smacked me back, as her lad (same age) was doing that. I said no, we don't smack. That was it. I saw her face. I added there was no point, Liebs enjoys it - didn't want to make her feel put down, after all. She left soon after that and hasn't spoken to me since.

The more I thought about it - the more I'm happy my friends who stay with me are the ones who think about how they parent their children, don't blindly do as their parents do and consider their children as humans. Humans who can understand, discuss, have motivations and reasons...

And Liebling was nearly late for school today. We talked about why (he snuck the DS into his room and was playing on that until late) and how this won't happen again - such as by not leaving the DS upstairs in future. He only had one breakfast this morning instead of two because he didn't get up in time. We discussed how sleep is necessary so he isn't tired in the morning. How an early night may be on the cards tonight to help him catch up with his sleep.

Parents hitting children teaches fear, a need to hide things and compliance. It does not teach reasoning, thinking, compromise or pride in yourself.