Birth story of my little man

After DD was born and as it took a while to conceive her we decided not to bother using any contraception. I thought since I was breastfeeding it was unlikely to happen that quickly anyway, although I'm not stupid and knew it was a possibility to occur at any stage. Six weeks after having Malaila I started menstruating, how ripped off did I feel considering I was breastfeeding and it generally doesn’t occur when you are breastfeeding. So I knew that now there was possibly more of a chance I could get pregnant, but figured if it happened it happened. In hindsight it was probably a good thing I didn't become pregnant any earlier than I did though as I really wasn't in a good place to be able to cope being pregnant given I was struggling with depression that was triggered off after having Malaila due to my history of PTSD.

The month before I became pregnant my cycle was different than it had been and since the return of my period my cycles were much shorter than they had been before we had DD. This month it went for much longer and I actually thought it was a possibility I could be pregnant at this time however it wasn't the case. The following month and DD was about 7mths at the time we had had sex once. Sure they say it only takes once, but given the difficulties we'd previously had what were the odds? Around the time my period would have been due I just had a feeling I could possibly be pregnant and asked DH to go and get me a pregnancy test on his way home from work. He told me "no I'm not buying one of those, you go get it". Like as if buying one was embarrassing or something. I was rather annoyed and usually I'd just leave it for a few more days but I just had a feeling and needed to test to find out. So I bundled DD in the car and went and got one and came home and tested. Sure enough there were two pink lines that came up; I thought I was seeing things! At first I was in shock and then I was so excited and couldn't wait to tell DH so I rang him at work but he didn't answer. I was disappointed now as I had to wait before I could share the news with him. Whilst waiting I became overwhelmed with different emotions. Sure I was excited, how could I not be it was another baby after all. But given I still was having difficulty coping with things after the birth of DD and she wasn't a great sleeper I wondered whether now was the right time. Too late for thinking that now though because those two lines aren't going to change. DH finally rang back and I told him the news, I can't really remember his reaction but I don't think he could believe that I was pregnant and that we were going to have another baby so soon. After telling DH I thought I'd let our midwife know, even though it was very early days I felt I needed that support already given what my previous pregnancies had been like.
At about 6 weeks pregnant I was due to go to Melbourne with DD to sleep school, I was dreading it actually. But I was desperate and sleep deprived I needed to find some kind of solution. So we went. During our stay there I went to the toilet one day and noticed I was bleeding. I immediately started crying, how could this be? How could life be so cruel again, what's the point of getting pregnant in the first place if I was just going to lose it!? Sure I had bleeding with DD's pregnancy but I also had two miscarriages before her and so of course I was thinking the worst. I was so upset and started crying. I went back to my room and sent midwife a text message saying what happened, she asked me to call her so I did. As usual she knew what to say to me to calm me down and reassure me and after that I felt much better. She had told me she'd organise for me to have an ultrasound when I got back. This now seemed like so far away!

That following week I went and had an ultrasound and I was about 5 weeks 5 days by my calculations. I went by myself as DH couldn't be there. I lay down nervous as ever as the sonographer started the ultrasound and scanned over my belly. I looked and all I could think was **** I don't see anything and this is not what things should look like this far along. The sonographer told me that he needed to do a transvaginal ultrasound to get a clearer picture. I wanted to refuse as it wasn't something I would be comfortable with, but at the time my need for some kind or reassurance was stronger. I had also prepared myself for this being a possibility so I agreed. My eyes continued to be fixated at the screen. I needed to see something because going by what I know I should be able to see a heartbeat at this stage and at least a fetal pole because at the same gestation with DD that’s exactly what I could see. I guess that was also a good distraction to what was actually happening. But all I could see was the gestational sack with the yolk sac inside. There was no fetal pole to be seen. I was thinking this can't be happening! The sonographer’s measurements of the gestational sack showed it measured just less than six weeks. But my scan at 5 weeks 5 days with DD showed a heartbeat so this immediately made me worry more. He finished his measurements and after I got up I said “it’s going to be another miscarriage isn't it?” I was devastated! He said “no, don't be so negative it looks all good at this stage from my side of things so give it a couple more weeks to see how things are then”. I was a little surprised thinking he would agree with me that it didn’t look good, so that gave me some hope. I messaged my midwife at this point and told her what the ultrasound showed and that they recommended doing another ultrasound in a couple of weeks. She thought at first like me that things wouldn't end well but I guess we were soon going to find out in a couple of weeks. They seemed to be the two longest weeks ever! And again I made the nerve wrecking trip to go and get another ultrasound done. I was now about 7 weeks 5 days. As soon as he started the ultrasound I knew that things had progressed since last time but I needed to see that there was a heartbeat, and sure enough there was. It was such a relief but unfortunately I never relax during my pregnancies and my stress related to worrying about the baby is ongoing and actually gets worse as my pregnancy progresses.

After having the 12 week ultrasound, although it was again a relief to see that all was ok with Bub I still couldn't relax and again like my pregnancy with DD I became obsessive in things I would do. Everything had to be continually cleaned as I feared dirt and germs would harm the baby. The same was with food and I set these crazy restrictions, the list of things I wouldn't eat seemed to grow as time went on. And as exhausted as I was I would only eat food that I had prepared myself under my own strict regulations which made having a rest from this rather difficult. I felt bad for DH because when pregnant I couldn't kiss him and rarely hugged him. I'd also make him shower frequently which I'm sure he was really getting annoyed with. However he knew that it made me calm down and I was less stressed if he followed my irrational requests. This continued throughout the pregnancy. I knew all these crazy obsessions and things I would do were irrational, yet I had to continue to do them as the fear of losing bub if I didn’t follow them was so great.

At 24 weeks I woke during the night to go to the toilet and noticed some bleeding. I thought to myself are you serious! I wasn't hugely concerned though as I could feel Bub moving. I decided to send my midwife an email to see what I should do and how worried should I be, and then went back to bed. In the morning I had some more bleeding so I messaged my midwife again and she told me to call her. She told me I should go to the hospital to get it checked out and that she'd let them know I was coming. After spending most of the day at the hospital (it was my birthday as well) I was finally allowed home and as everything checked out ok, and that they were unsure what had caused the bleeding. This was reassuring but worrying all the same.

On my due date my midwife was going away to Melbourne for a few days, I was kind of concerned even though I knew she'd be able to travel back if I needed her. Turns out I didn't need to be concerned as again this baby was rather comfortable in there! So my due date had come and gone and I was beginning to get rather frustrated.

On Sunday the 3rd I sent my midwife an email saying I have a feeling about tonight although wasn't sure how much to trust that feeling. I was already 41 weeks 4 days pregnant at this stage and thinking I would be pregnant forever. On the Monday the 4th June I woke up about 2am(ish) and started having contractions, they weren't really intense or anything but enough to wake me. These continued throughout the night but of course by about 10am that day they had slowed down but I was still getting the odd one. DH chose to stay home from work and kept asking me “have I had another contraction yet?” It was getting quite annoying because I was just as frustrated as he was that things weren't progressing!
Mum was coming down to stay for the birth also as she had taken some time off work. She got here later that afternoon. Things continued the same throughout the day with having contractions randomly, some being more intense than others. At about 2130 I decided to go to bed and see if I could sleep and eventually drifted off. I woke just after midnight and nothing was happening I was devastated and so disappointed that things had seemed to stop again!

On the Tuesday the 5th at about 4am I woke to go to the toilet and noticed a tiny bit of pink mucous, although it was such a tiny amount it could have easily been missed. At 0730 I went to the toilet again and yep definitely a show this time. I thought great that has got to be a good sign that things were happening! Now I just had to wait for the contractions to start. As the day progressed I'd get contractions on and off but nothing significant. By late afternoon I was getting more but they seemed to be very random still and no regularity about them. I was a little concerned as I knew my midwife was going away to Melbourne on the Wednesday morning. She did send me a text message before bed to see how things were but I told her she'd still be fine to go to Melbourne as things weren't really progressing much anyway but to message me in the morning and I'd give her an update. By about 9.30pm that night I started getting contractions every 20-30mins and they continued throughout the night like that. I couldn't go to bed as lying down was just too uncomfortable, so I spent most of the night leaning over the edge of the couch or the fit ball. I managed to sleep on and off but was far from being properly rested especially since I wasn't even lying down.
My midwife texted as she said she would that morning and I told her how my night went. She asked if I thought I could wait till tonight. I told her I thought I could as I didn't want her to stay home and nothing happen so I told her that I thought she should still go. During that morning my contractions seemed to be fairly regular and between 10-15mins with the odd one at 5mins. Just before 11am I sent Andrea a text message saying that they were every 10-15mins and that I was uncomfortable and that I just wanted to sit but couldn't because it was just too uncomfortable. She then rang me and asked whether she should start traveling back now. I said I was unsure as I didn't know how things would continue. In the end it was decided she would come back now. I felt really bad considering she had to leave her course half way through. Not long after I finished talking to her, Mum asked me how long ago I had my last contraction. I looked at the time and thought oh no I haven't had one in ages, and at this point my midwife sent me a text asking how things were going and I replied that it has slowed down. She sent a message back saying "typical". Great I thought I've just made her come back for nothing! I was getting seriously annoyed at my body and wondering why things just weren't progressing as quickly as they should and it was rather frustrating.
My midwife finally arrived and I just looked at her and said that things have slowed down completely. She said it was ok and we would see what happened. We sat around for a while but nothing was happening so my midwife suggested I go for a walk and that she'd be back later to see how things were going. So DH and I put DD in the pram and decided to go for a walk together and off we went. Well during the walk I thought to myself this just isn't working I don't feel anything and I actually felt quite comfortable walking and even more so than in previous weeks when I'd gone for a walk. Once we got back DD wanted a breastfeed so I gave her one and during that I got three really intense contractions within 15mins. I thought yay finally, but soon after it slowed right down again. It seemed that only when I would breastfeed DD that the contractions would be become intense and frequent enough. When my midwife got back she suggested I feed DD again and sure enough I would get a contraction. During the rest of the afternoon things didn't really progress however I was still contracting on and off so was hoping when we put DD to bed things would pick up. Surely they had to? Everyone else had dinner but I just didn't feel like much so I just had one slice of bread. In hindsight I probably should have had more to eat as this just wasn't enough to sustain me for what was turning out to be quite a long labour. Just before we put DD to bed the student dropped around for a while. I had given DD a breastfeed before we put her to bed and once again the next few contractions were closer and more intense. They did also start to get more frequent once DD had gone to bed but not as frequent or as regular as I thought they would be. After a while I think it was around 2130 I decided to have a shower. The water was so nice and really helped during contractions especially since this time I was getting a lot of pain in my back. Being winter it was so cold so I didn't want to get out as there's nothing better than a hot shower, but I didn't want to use up all the hot water as we'd need to fill the birth pool.

After my shower I came back out to the lounge room and noticed Mum had gone to bed and the student had gone home but would be back when things picked up. So it was now only just my midwife, DH and I. I felt more relaxed now, as having less people made me feel more comfortable especially at this stage. While I was in the shower I had asked DH to turn the lights off out in the lounge areas and light some candles as the light really starts to annoy me at this point. I only meant a couple but he decided I needed more and I had a little laugh when I came out because that amount of candles really lit the room up so may as well just have had the lights on, but I wasn't really annoyed too much at this stage. I was still getting contractions at this point but I would have thought they'd be getting closer together but instead it seemed to stay the same. Or even at times like they were just not happening. During contractions I found leaning onto the couch or holding onto DH helped. I was asked at some point if I wanted the birth pool set up yet. I think my reply was maybe soon. My midwife ended up telling DH to set it up and start filling it because she felt I wasn't going to tell them when I wanted it anyway. Which was probably true, but to be honest at this point I was really unsure of myself and how I was progressing, something just didn't feel right about it. I didn't know what to think as it was hard to believe that anything significant was even happening. I was comparing it to DD's birth and in comparison it was very different and I just didn't feel like I was going to get anywhere. At this point I still felt like I was going to be pregnant forever! Once they'd filled the pool they asked if I wanted to get in but I said not yet as I really didn't feel at the point of needing to be in there, after a while though I decided that I would try it. I was rather tired at this point and was concerned as it seemed only really early on but felt I'd give being in the pool a go as it might help me to relax a bit more so I wouldn't feel as tired. It still took me awhile to get in though as I find it rather difficult and am uncomfortable getting undressed when people are around even though it was only my midwife and DH at this stage. But eventually I was able to get undressed, I got in and the water was rather warm but just the way I liked it and it was amazing how much of a difference it made during contractions. At about 11pm I did feel more pressure so I told my midwife so she could ring the student to come back in case things were starting to happen. But then again I still felt like things weren't feeling quite right. At this point I became more confused I had way more pressure with DD and this just seemed odd. I was already feeling very tired and scared because I was worried that I just wouldn't be able to do it this time because I wasn't sure (considering my labour didn't seem to be going anywhere) that I'd have the energy to continue. I was exhausted as I had barely had any sleep in days! I told DH at one point I don't think I can do it, and was feeling rather upset with myself. He reassured me that I could. I tried to believe him but felt at the time that he didn't understand what I was trying to tell him because I was really concerned that I wouldn't be able to give birth on my own this time and that scared me a lot. It wasn’t just a fleeting fear that I couldn’t do it I really doubted my strength and abilities that I had to continue. I was concerned that I would end up in hospital and it would all be taken out of my hands. But at the time I just acknowledged what he had to say and made him feel like he was right because last thing I needed I guess was for him to worry.

I'm not sure what time exactly that the student arrived but it was around 2330. I thought to myself damn I've gone and got her to come too early because this labour didn't seem to be progressing at all. While I was in the pool I told DH to tell my midwife that it seems too easy and that I was worried it was going to stop altogether. DH told me it wasn't but I told him to still tell her. My midwife then asked “what did I mean it was too easy?” I said it just feels too easy and like it was stopping. She said to me did I think it seemed easier because I was in the pool and told me that it doesn't have to be hard. I said yeah I know, but to be honest I was thinking at the time it really seemed easy for how long it had gone on already. Even though I was exhausted the long breaks between contractions made it seem easy and like this wasn't 'it'. I would have thought by now that the intensity of the contractions would have been increasing. That is unless I was just so good at managing them ok this time and didn’t notice haha.

Not sure exactly what time it was but I decided to get out and go to the toilet and walk around for a bit. Problem was it was freezing out of the pool! I was thinking to myself I'm not going to have a winter baby again it's just too damn cold. I don't care what people say being pregnant in summer is nowhere near as bad or as uncomfortable as trying to labour when you are cold. I also wondered at the time whether being cold was affecting things progressing as I seemed to tense up a lot due to being cold and couldn't seem to relax as much as I wanted.

My midwife decided to do a CTG at some point, I'm guessing she was concerned as she had told me she would have not expected it to go on this long given it was my second baby. I hadn't expected it to go on this long either to be honest and was sick of looking at the clock seeing the hours pass by without any real progress.

After a little while my midwife told me she was worried that things weren't picking up so said to me she knows I didn't want a VE but asked if she could do one to see where I was at. She was right I didn't want a VE, I absolutely hated the idea of having one and given my history would not feel comfortable having one at all as knew it would be rather triggering for me. But I did agree because I felt that things weren't going well and I needed to know that something or anything was actually happening. I also knew that my midwife wouldn't ask to do one if it wasn't somewhat necessary. If anyone else had asked to do one I would have probably out right refused though but I felt comfortable that it was my midwife as she was someone I trusted. No way at all did I think that I'd ever agree to one so that should indicate how necessary I felt it was at the time. When she did the VE she said I was about 7-8cm which really surprised me. Even though I was exhausted and things had seemed to go on forever I now at least knew that something was actually happening.

My midwife said to me at one point that she was concerned that I’d not have the energy to continue and said she wasn't sure whether we should transfer to hospital. I told her I was fine though and that I still felt I had something to give and I wasn't at the end of my energy stores yet. Which was kind of true, I mean I really didn't want to go to hospital so of course I had more to give. But truth was I was exhausted and was really concerned how long I could continue this for or how much I had left to give. Sure I'd have the energy to get through the contractions but it was having the energy to push I was worried about, especially since I really didn't see an end to it. It honestly felt like it'd go on forever. Mainly because nothing seemed to change as my contractions didn't seem to be getting closer together nor did they seem to be intensifying. I wasn't getting that pressure like I did with DD's birth at all. Well I was getting a bit but not like I thought it should have been. I started now to doubt myself even more.

My midwife suggested that I try and get some rest, so to get out of the pool and lie in bed to see if I could sleep. I lay on my side in bed and my midwife was with me. But no sooner had I gotten comfortable (well as comfortable as you can when in labour) I had to get up as It just either suddenly got to uncomfortable or I would get a contraction. At the time I thought this is ridiculous I'm tired and exhausted and I'm not sure I could go on. I had to pull myself together though as I didn't want to let on how exhausted I was in case that influenced any decision makings on what the plan would be. I'm sure it was slightly obvious though how exhausted I was. But I could do this, I had to!

At about 3am my midwife called the second midwife to come around. Not long after she was here I got out of the pool again to try something different and get things to progress. My midwife suggested I try sitting on the toilet. But I really hated it. I told my midwife I didn't like it and she asked me is that because it seemed to be working. I said no it just felt uncomfortable, I just couldn't sit there and eventually had to get up. My midwife asked me what was happening a few times, my reply was nothing and what do you mean? Yep I was over feeling like nothing was happening or changing. my midwife then asked me what I wanted to do, so I asked her what she wanted to do. I wanted to gauge what her thoughts were and what she thought needed to happen now. She never told me what she wanted to do but rather gave me what my options were. She said I could go to hospital but they'd put a drip up- I remember just completely blocking this option in my head thinking nope, nope, nope not going to happen. I was not going to hospital! I wanted to have this baby at home. Of course I'm not stupid and if I or my midwife felt it was absolutely necessary then I would, although I wouldn't be happy about it. I felt a bit broken inside at this point, this birth was just not going the way I had planned in my head. Not that I had a plan as such but it wasn’t what I had expected. Again I doubted I would be able to stay home and have him the way I wanted. My midwife then also suggested that we could try doing another VE and seeing where I was at and rupturing my membranes. In no way before I was at this point did I ever think that would be an option I'd take. I was for the least intervention as possible. But truth was at this point something needed to happen as it just wasn't progressing and the long breaks in between contractions were ridiculous, ha who would have ever thought I’d be asking to have more contractions with less of a break in between. So my midwife asked if it was ok to do that, I agreed even though it wasn't something I wanted to have done. In no way did I feel pressured into having it done though I just felt if I wanted to still have this baby at home something needed to change. I was so scared though, I don't cope well with having VE's at the best of times. Even though I might not show it at the time internally I really struggle with it, and now I had to have another one with this time having my membranes ruptured. My midwife knew I didn't cope well with this though and I felt she approached it in the best way it could be approached I felt safe and as comfortable as I could be with her doing it. If it had of been someone else I don't think I would have coped as well or at all. So we go to my room and I get up on the bed. my midwife tells me I'm pretty much fully dilated but there seems to be an anterior lip, well from memory that's what she said. I asked my midwife where DH was and she called out to him for me, I needed him there and for someone to hold my hand. DH came in and my midwife told him that I just needed for him to hold my hand so he did. While she was trying to rupture my membranes it seemed to take forever and was rather uncomfortable but not as painful as I had expected and she was rather gentle. Finally they ruptured, I expected a huge gush I don't know why but I did but nope hardly anything came out from my perspective even when I stood up afterwards. I then made my way back to the bathroom. Things certainly felt different now but still felt a long way off. I became more uncomfortable and tried sitting on the toilet again but I just couldn't do it. DD had woken up so my midwife asked DH to bring her to me to feed. I did and sure enough my contractions started again. After a little while of standing there with my hands resting on my knees I got the urge to push so I just went with it. Being absolutely exhausted I did fear for a moment that I'd collapse in a heap and not be able to push him out so I was telling myself that I'd just use every ounce of energy to give it my best go to get him out as quickly as possible. I yelled for DH to grab me from behind as that way he could hold me up and I could put all my energy into pushing. I remember my midwife and second midwife telling me to slow down when pushing. At the time I was thinking no bloody way am I slowing down in any way. He is coming out now because I don't have anything left to give and are you freaking kidding me this has gone on for 3 days I'm not delaying it any further haha! So I pushed with all I had to give. I remember my midwife telling the others look at his rotation as he was coming out. I thought to myself, oh my goodness I don't care haha I just want to get him out already! I was even thinking can’t you just rip him out to hurry the process up a bit! After a few pushes though he was finally out. The instant relief is just the best feeling ever. My midwife passed him straight to me and I just knelt down with him in my arms staring at him. He was finally here, I've done it! Our little man was finally here! He didn't let a cry out at first but as I repositioned him in my arms he let out the tiniest cry. He was so relaxed and content in my arms it was so sweet. After a while my midwife reminded me that I still had the placenta to go. Oh yeah you forgot that, as the new baby in your arms is far more interesting. So she helped me up to the toilet to see if I could birth the placenta. I remember with DD I was getting cramps at this stage and felt I could push it out but this time there was nothing. No feeling at all! So my midwife gave it a small tug and out it came, thank goodness that part is done I thought to myself. Apparently I had a large bleed afterwards and that is why they brought DD to me to feed so that it would stop the bleeding. Shows how much I notice when I'm so busy checking out my new baby as I had no idea. I was happy that DD got to see her brother being born and had to laugh at her copying the sounds I was making whilst having a contraction. As he was coming out I could also see DD pointing and yelling out "baby" "baby" which was rather cute.
There’s no doubt in my mind that choosing to birth at home again was the best decision I have made for my baby and I. There truly is no better experience being at home surrounded by people you know and trust for one of the most special and rewarding things that life brings. I truly am blessed.