Does my DH have a problem?

OK, I know I should maybe talk to a professional about this, but the area expert is my boss so I thought I’d just see if anyone here thinks this is normal.

My DH doesn’t want to have sex! He’s happy with about once a week, if that! I did coerce him into it a bit on Saturday (not that it took much doing), but I did have to guilt him heavily the night before pointing out that it was TWO WEEKS since we’d last had sex. He wasn’t Mr Up-and-at-‘em (so to speak) before the pregnancy, we’d usually only have sex on a weekend, but I’m really feeling it now! I know that relationships go through times like, but he’s been like this for ages. Didn’t bother me pre-pregnancy, but while I was on the Pill and now I’m pregnant it really annoys me and I feel like I’m constantly nagging him for sex, when in fact it’s usually been over a week when I start really pestering him. This isn’t normal for a young man, right? He’s 25, so not exactly too old. At first he was happy with up to three times a day (more so than I!) but that slowly faded to every night, then every other night… now every other week. I did ask him if he thought he had a libido problem and he said no, but I’m sure this isn’t normal! It has been well over a year of this – does he just not fancy me that much any more? It really bugs me, because when I was working 14-hour days and would come home and he’d expect sex (sometimes), now even on the weekend, or on a Friday when he only works for 5 hours then plays on the computer, it’s too much of an effort for him! It’s so annoying. It’s not like I ever demanded mid-afternoon sex, although the second he does he doesn’t let it drop until I give in. He gets really mad at me if I try that tactic, or mention more than once or twice a day that maybe we should be getting jiggy once in a while. As I say, it's usually been a week or so before I start with that!

Do you think my DH has a problem, or do you think that I have a problem (be honest!)? I’d be happy with, I don’t know, maybe once mid-week and on weekend nights too. I didn’t think that was too much, but it seems to be! DH is more mornings than nights, I can live with that so long as he doesn’t just jab it in my back for an hour then get out of bed leaving me frustrated! And think I have the problem! Also, what are the ethics of getting some testosterone gel and just giving him a massage, or putting it in his shower gel? (That was a joke, just in case you are scared for my DH!)

BTW, I've tried all the sexy undies/clothes/microminiskirts/makeup/food/doing all the housework... and his idea of a bedtime story is entitled "Cuffbert the Smelly Wolf", anything "nicer" I come up with I'm told that it isn't suitable for children... that was the idea, you fool!

Hi Ryn,

My DH & I don't BD as much as what we did when we were first got together IYKWIM.

I don't think you have a problem. I have heard the sometimes pg women either get very horny or quite the opposite!

Maybe DH doesn't want to do it b/c you are pg? You know some guys think that their doodle will hit the baby on the head!

I don't have any particular suggestions but have you asked him why he doesn't want to bd as much or anymore?

I have - he just shrugs. It's not the pregnancy thing, as he was like this before, it's only really starting to annoy me now! Before this happened he'd happily go a couple of weeks, although he'd sometimes start nagging me for my period to leave... like I have an option with that!

I'd rather he just made up his mind one way or the other and went with it - no sex, fine, I can live with that. Sex, fine, just so long as I know it's going to be regular(ish). I did start marking all the times in my diary (with an S for sperm), and even pre-pregnancy weekends without weren't uncommon, weeknights with became rarer and rarer over the last year.

Ah well, maybe I'll appreciate this in six months' time!

Ryn,

hehe... about the af comment.

I started to make in my diary when we BS too! hmmm...

Men sh*t me like that, a shrug! what does that translate to???!

I don't know what to say.......... to give you any support or to make you feel better.

I might pester my dh for info on why he thinks we don't bd as much - I thought both our libidos dropped or that we were both tired coz we work fulltime.

I'll report back if he has anything decent to add.

But in 6 months time, he'll probably want it again hahaha...
I'm sorry :) hehe..
You could always try the diet change aspect, that way it wouldn't be obvious that you are trying to 'fix' him, and it won't hurt if it doesn't work...?
My DP is the same age and I have noticed over the past year or 2 there has been a decline, not huge, but enough for me to keep up with him now lol..
Good luck eh!

Sometimes I have to poke, prod and even beg my DH for some bedroom action.

We were never really ones to BD terribly often, and then I started working and was TIRED all the time... and then I got sick - and we would sadly go for months and months without BDing at all. I think in that time DH adjusted to not getting much at all. Now that we are TTC, things are a little different, but I still am sometimes surprised at how little DH seems to want to BD. I wonder if it is because he starts to think that I only want him for his sperm, but I have tried REALLY hard to never let it be a case of "I think I'm ovulating, let's go"...

Ryn, I know none of this applies in your situation, but I did want to let you know that there are men out there who are a bit like that... but I'd start to worry if it were all the time, and for such a long period of time like your DH.

Sorry, I know I haven't been much help at all...

BW

Kate, what diet tips could you suggest? I don't do fatty foods at all (I hate them!) and I try to make sure DH gets his meat, but aside from that I can't really think of what to change, we usually eat really well.

Thanks for the kind words Jooleshere and BW, I'm just trying to figure out what's with DH! I know I've always had a slightly higher libido (aside from on our honeymoon!) but this is just ridiculous.

hmmmm one thing that is supposed to help is zinc, so either supplements or food high in zinc... spinach? mushrooms? and normal amounts of red meat and dairy... does he get to eat like a carnivore enough? (as opposed to your veggo-ism :) )
Fish is also supposed to be good (hahah this is all so *apparently* isn't it? someone's got a case of the s'posters...) as long as it's not "fish 'n' chips" so much, which is where we always go wrong heh... then you're too full and fat to do anything haha..
Might be worth researching I'd say... especially seeing as I am not a doctor nor a nutritionist and may be full of cr@p :)

Speaking of the apparently...

:

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A woman's sex drive begins to plummet once she is in a secure relationship, according to research.
Researchers from Germany found that four years into a relationship, less than half of 30-year-old women wanted regular sex.

Conversely, the team found a man's libido remained the same regardless of how long he had been in a relationship.

Writing in the journal Human Nature, the scientists said the differences resulted from how humans had evolved.

The researchers from Hamburg-Eppendorf University interviewed 530 men and women about their relationships.

They found 60% of 30-year-old women wanted sex "often" at the beginning of a relationship, but within four years of the relationship this figure fell to under 50%, and after 20 years it dropped to about 20%.

In contrast, they found the proportion of men wanting regular sex remained at between 60-80%, regardless of how long they had been in a relationship.

Tenderness

The study also revealed tenderness was important for women in a relationship.

About 90% of women wanted tenderness, regardless of how long they had been in a relationship, but only 25% of men who had been in a relationship for 10 years said they were still seeking tenderness from their partner.

Dr Dietrich Klusmann, lead author of the study and a psychologist from Hamburg-Eppendorf University, believed the differences were down to human evolution.

He said: "For men, a good reason their sexual motivation to remain constant would be to guard against being cuckolded by another male."

But women, he said, have evolved to have a high sex drive when they are initially in a relationship in order to form a "pair bond" with their partner.

But, once this bond is sealed a woman's sexual appetite declines, he added.

He said animal behaviour studies suggest this could be because females may be diverting their sexual interest towards other men, in order to secure the best combinations of genetic material for their offspring.

Or, he said, this could be because limiting sex may boost their partner's interest in it.

Professor George Fieldman, an evolutionary psychologist from Buckinghamshire Chilterns University College, said: "These findings seem to fit in with anecdotal studies and his explanations seem plausible.

"The rational for why a woman's sex drive declines may be down to supply and demand. If something is in infinite supply, the perceived value would drop."

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So, am I in fact a man and DH a woman? I make sure DH gets lots of fish, he cooked shellfish the other night (which I'm not going to not eat once it's done, although I've been avoiding shellfish for the last month or so), and he usually does himself meat about 3-4 times a week, plus his work lunches, which are meaty. We did grow spinach for a few months earlier in the year (it's just finished) and DH enjoys mushrooms... I think I need to grab my testosterone rep friend and make her give me testosterone gel samples to put in DH's shower gel! I'm sure it's a problem, although DH doesn't want to admit it.

omg RYn!!! I could have written this myself!

When Dh and I first got together we dtd every day, then every 2nd day, then every 3rd day.

Now I have to beg around ovulation time for him to do it. He just seems unphased by it all. He loves it when we actually do it but cant be bothered making the effort IYKWIM.

Ive tried all the sexy stuff too but he just isnt in the mood. Now as a rule we are doing it every 3rd or 4th night but I could be doing it every day.

It really upsets me at times. Its almost like he doesnt want to do it with me.

Anyway HTH :)

Oh Ryn - and Danni - how FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lol Ryn at u thinking u are the man in the relationship!

That article was interesting though..espesh where it said that when we know there is an endless supply of something we tend to lose interest. Would that help ur situation - just showing no interest in it so then maybe they'll see what they're missing and decide they do have a craving for it?????

Prob not helpful - i know - as u've got needs to be met too. Hope things change for u really soon....otherwise u might just need to invest in an aid ;) Actually that might do the trick - maybe he'll feel a little left out - lol!

i tried that rae!! he couldnt care less! :(

Damn Danni :( I'm out of suggestions then....what about that Horny Goats weed u see advertised - could u slip something like that into his food, along with oysters, strawberries....and all those other aphrodesiacs (sp?)

LOL girls - actually I did this last night, went to bed first, put on a really old baggy t-shirt thing that comes down to around my knees, picked up a book and read until DH turned out the light. He was upset I didn't want to ogle at him, but I reckon what's the point as I don't like window shopping. Plus he never ogles at me, so why should I bother looking at or complimenting him?

I just plan to ignore him as much as possible for the next few days and see how that goes (from experience, not that well...) - my DH is off work today with a cold (the wuss, I have that AND morning sickness AND cramps AND burps) so I don't even have to ask how his day went, just make him dinner and sit and read all night.

Plus if I just take the attitude that I'm not going to get any until maybe our anniversary that will be a lot easier! Plus then I can say no to him, hahaha, serves him right and maybe he won't to me in the future! Or just get out of bed in the morning, not sit and read until he wakes up; if I'm not there maybe he won't notice or mind.

Sounds like a good plan Ryn....let us know if u have any success!

Does he smoke? I think that decreases one's libido? Or drink? Is he stressed over anything? Heaps of things can effect your sex drive, despite us thinking men are always up for it (well, 90% probably are).Or, and you don't have to answer this and I hope it doesn't offend you, does he masturbate? That would surely affect the desire to BD?
Ach, I don't know. Good luck!

No smoking and alcohol usually only on a Friday night (that's why Saturday morning's usually my best bet!). I've never known him not "stressed" about some Uni/work deadline or money, ever since we met, and there's not much more stress now. Of course, he does tell me that I can't possibly understand how stressed he is, but almost five and a half years of his stress means I really don't believe him any more. He should have had a heart attack by now!

He tells me he's not using the bathroom for any "special trips" or anything (I did check!). Ah well, I'm sure it will resolve itself somehow...