Shy Toddler

To say my girls are opposites would be an understatement.

DD1 has always been extremely outgoing. She was jumping off my lap as an 8-month-old wanting to be handed around to people on the train. As a 3-year-old she was shouting to people on the other side of the road saying, "hello friends". She talks the hind leg off a chair and stops everyone she sees for a chat. She has no concept that strangers might not find the fact that she has a purple bike and is going to school next year or that mummy is 43 ABSOLUTELY RIVETING. You get the picture.

So going from that to DD2 is a total surprise. DD2 is 2 and 3 months. She's always been quite reserved. If we have visitors she won't say a word, stays close to me and turns away if they look at her too much.

I'm not worried as such - she's just shy. Very happy and chatty generally but just struggles around people she doesn't know.

Should I be 'doing' anything to bring her out of her shell a bit? Did your shy toddlers get a bit more outgoing as they got older?

You could be describing my DDs 1 and 2, except my #2 also has an anxiety disorder, which meant that I really couldn't push her too much or else she would just have a major meltdown and we would go backwards.

DD2, 4 yrs 5 mths now, started kindy this year and I was incredibly worried about how she would cope away from me, and in an environment that I felt would be at least initially completely overwhelming for her. She did really well, although remained quiet and shy for the first term. Now her teacher and TA are telling me how incredibly well she is getting on, she's volunteering to get up in front of the class to sing a song, answer questions etc. She has a really tight little core group of friends but is generally incredibly well liked by the entire class - she was off sick for a fortnight last term and when she went back there was a chorus of "Yay, E's back" from lots of the kids.

She is still very shy in situations outside her comfort zone but I don't push her. If someone in a shop tries to talk to her and she doesn't engage, then she doesn't engage. She is pushed to say please and thank you wherever its appropriate but that's it.

Its taken me a while to get past the point of trying to "fix" her so she is more outgoing like her sister. She is the little person she is and she'll find her own way. I now have the opposite problem with her elder sister in teaching her that it actually not ok to just volunteer any and all information to complete strangers!

She'll do it in her own time, with whom she wants. Most shy children do - those who are forced to socialise can develop some nasty anxiety issues around socialisation (we all know quieter people who don't like using the phone, for example).

FWIW, my DS is "shy". It rocks. He generally won't talk to strangers, doesn't like to be too far from me when we're out and about, keeps my little secrets (like I'm 26, according to Liebling). Some people he takes to and won't shut up, but that's fairly unusual.

Yes, I'd like him to talk to friends of mine he doesn't know well. I'd love him to say "thank you" to people he doesn't know who do nice things (like holding a door open). I'd be happy if he could meet people without hiding behind me for 10 minutes first.

But I'd much rather he didn't talk to strangers or even "people I only see 3-4 times a year for a few hours", given that child abduction rates haven't gone down since the 1970s.

Yes, I think that's good advice Lulu - I'll encourage her to be polite but not go outside her comfort zone.

FB - I don't necessarily see talking to strangers as a bad trait in DD1 and one that will put her in danger. I realise the term "talking to strangers" has dangerous connotations but to me I see the danger as one of compliance ie. doing what a stranger asks you to do/going where they ask you to go. That's so not DD1 :) but is definitely DD2.

I agree with Lulu just let her develop in her own time.My DD I would have classed as shy and awkward in some situations but then shortly after she turned three something flipped and she stopped all the not speaking, hiding behind me etc behaviors she became quite different if anything too much the other way with anyone she met becoming her new fav person (has toned that down a little now). It was a very sudden immediate change several people said what happened to 'shy' CJ?

I did worry about it slightly because was so different to my personality but it was my parents it used to bother more.