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I feel so guilty my son was being naughty today and continually doing the same thing I kept telling him not too I know he is still young but I found myself getting so fed up and angry at him i smacked him on his nappy and then I look at his sweet face and feel so guilty that I could ever have those feelings towards him
I feel like I'm turning into my parents and its so triggering they werent abusive but I don't want that anger towards my son that they had towards me with their discipline
I know exactly how you feel! I have felt that way before, and I would let that feeling guide you. Search for more positive, non-physical discipline methods.
What other tools do you have in your parenting toolbox? At about a year old, pressing buttons on Mamma is a fun game! But it is all about learning where the boundaries are and about learning consequences.
Also, was he upset by the smack? Did you apologise to him, even if he wasn't upset?
Time in works well, as does distraction. You don't say what your son was doing: playing with something (which could be removed), going into a room (which could have a gate on), pulling at your clothes (which you can change), hitting you (when you can remove yourself as a consequence)... most stuff a young child does can be stopped by just removing the temptation. Pulling floor-length curtains may mean you need distraction techniques rather than removal ones, but child-proofing the house is something everyone has to do to some extent or another - even if it's just moving the bleach to somewhere a child can't reach it (learnt about doing that the hard way when Liebs learnt how to open the child gate and get into my kitchen/sanctuary).
I don't have any tools I did t think it would be an issue for me
I'm not sure I understand - you say you grew up with your parents smacking you, you believe it caused you damage (although it was not abusive) and you don't want to do it... but have no alternatives to smacking to ensure that your child understands what you believe is right, what you believe is wrong, and why these morals should be incorperated into his lifestyle?
You need to grab several parenting books, or read articles (this site and Pinky McKay's site have some good advice, IMO) about alternatives to smacking and other discipline methods (discipline meaning to teach, not to hit). I can't give you a full range of alternatives in a post, but will name some that worked for me:
Time in
Chatting
Stopping playing (but not isolating)
Lots of chatting about stuff before it was ever an issue
Moving dangerous/precious items
Treating Liebling with the respect I wish to be treated with, especially in 60-70 years when I'm dependent on him!
Distraction
I agree with everything The Flying Butter has said! I am so exhausted right now I wasn't able to put together such well written out advice.
I was smacked as a child, and I do believe it was abusive, and it really has put into perspective with me how and why I feel the way I do about smacking. I DO NOT want to put my children through that, and the only way I can effectively do that is to not smack, at all, because I don't know where exactly the line is between physical punishment and abuse. I want my children to not fear me, I want them to see me as approachable. I want them to respect me so in turn I will respect them. I want to teach them, but not through fear, embarrassment and shame.
Tfb : I don't find the physical punishment was abusive they smacked a normal amount and only when we misbehaved it was the anger in their eyes that scared me and I don't want that but I can feel it but I think I will avoid physical punishment with ds because I don't want to go over the line I guess it's something I need to go over with my psychologist I've been offered a book by a friend on shepherding a child's heart
Jellybean88 - DP and I talked before DS was born about how we didn't want to use smacking in our home like our Parents had done with us. Quite strangely, one day, when DS was around 10months old he did something and my first 'instinct' was to smack. I didn't but I mentioned to DP how I couldn't believe how my first response was to smack DS, after everything we had talked about how quickly the urge rose to the surface. He felt that the same thing had happened to him. From that moment on I realised that the way we had been raised had most definately had a primal imprint on us. I was so disapointed that I had had that urge to instinctively hit.
I have to say that DS is no2 19 months old and that urge doesn't seem to be there anymore. I guess we are changing as we are raising our Son. It really takes a conscious effort in the beginning to use new ways of teaching. We used distraction, we used removal and now as he is getting older we use words. I also have a mantra that I have used since DS was born. "I am the adult and you are the child". I find this was great for helping me to refocus.
Of course DS is only so young and I'm sure my patience will be tested a million times over but if I work using those tools I hope that I will raise a balanced little boy who will grow to be a person who never feels that urge to lash out himself.
I hope that you are able to find the tools that you need to work through issues with your DS as they arise.
Thanks I'm glad I'm not the only one
Hey hun, I dont have time to reply in anymore detail right now but... Partly because I know a little about your beliefs etc I was going to recommend the EXACT SAME BOOK! Please do read it if you've got it the Tripps have got a wonderful grasp on things and explain it very simply. We ALL struggle with the emotions we feel and portray to those around us sometimes our children unfortunately don't always miss that. I think the most important thing is to strive to be better and explain to your ds that you are human too so will make mistakes on occasion to, we all need forgiveness! :D:
It is really hard even when you do decide to not raise/punish your children in the ways that you were raised. there was alot of learned behaviour during our own childhoods - kids are sponges for learning! So, like what TFB has offered I recommend arming yourself with some positive role-model parenting behaviour. be that a friend that you cherish that also has more gentle parenting approaches (and be brave to ask them how they deal with crap days...sometimes it can feel that other parents just swan through parenting without crappy, teary challenging days...which is bollocks of course, but when the confidence is down, well, you know what it's like...).
have a google search for some gentle parenting sites (like pinky) and the one that resonates most with you, go and then begin implementing their strategies. it's not going to happen overnight...we are talking about undoing alot of learned behaviour. I have found in my journey that is not so much the strategies of what to do with my kids bad behaviour, but how i deal with my own ITMS. I have had to do a lot of discovering regarding how do I handle the crap situations. In my case, alot of it is simple measures (simple in terms of application...not so simple in recognising in time to stop the reaction) like literally stepping back, taking a massive deep breath and explaining why what they have done is inappropriate/naughty/dangerous and how that can make the people around them feel...ie if one of the girls snatches/pinches etc the other one. I know that your DS is still a bit little for the big explanation, but the big breath and stepping back is still a valuable tool as a mum...oxygen is your friend so inhale it deeply and the stress of the situation will lessen i promise!
FWIW, I was raised in a smacking house, no other methods of discipline. "I was smacked and I'm OK" was the thinking behind it. Whereas I think "I was smacked and I'm not OK" - I do believe it lead to me fearing my parents' reactions and not trusting them when it came to talking about stuff in case it was used against me. While smacking my sister and I received wasn't physically abusive, I do think it causes damage - as you do from your posts.
I give myself time outs, so I can calm down. Liebling understands that when he has a "time out" now (not something to do with a baby!) it is about calming down, thinking about undesirable behaviour and how to change that. We still have "time ins" when we talk though this, but Liebs can do it for himself now so gets time outs too. For me, thinking about the desire to physically hurt a young person because they have irritated me, knowing that is wrong, and thinking how I can modify the situation/my response/my actions needs a good 10 minutes as a minimum! "Mamma's coffee time" also works at the end of the day.
And I have smacked my son. It's instinctive. The joy of being human is that we can overcome instinct and engage our brains to find a better solution - thus changing the instincts of our children and grandchildren. Interesting that I was hit at home and not at school: at home I have to think "it's not OK to hit" (less these days than years ago), but have never considered hitting a child at school, and they can be "naughtier" than Liebling.
I was schooled in Fiji for a few years so was smacked by teachers as well
Just wanted to tell you, you are so not alone. I was smacked as a child and after 3 years it is still instinct for me to smack (worse still, it is out of anger/frustration :() Usually when Im at the end of my tether, but I still do it. I wish I had asked for help at the very begining, like you have. So good on you!! It is hard to admit and ask for help, but you have taken the first step. It is extremely difficult to break this habit. And I beat myself up every single day for what I put my baby through.
Im working on it, very slowly getting better. But it is HARD.
I hope it is easier for you because you caught it early, rather than let it go for a year or so before trying to fix it when it got really bad.
One thing I will say is try not to replace it with yelling. I did (not intentionally) now I have 2 bad habits to break :wall:
Lol calluna I yell too thank yesterday went well I was with a friend most of day so took some if the stress away it is just so much more overwhelming when your pregnant all this running around and getting headaches and nausea
It must be really hard being pregnant as well. :hug:
Its so much easier when theres witnesses. Lol
You give him a smack and you feel like you're turning into your parents??:
I've smacked my kids and yes, I was smacked when I was child for being naughty. No, it didn't affect me and no, I don't think it's completely acceptable. But yes, sometimes I do smack my kids. I also yell and like to slam doors. My parents never slammed doors, in fact, that was a "smackable offence" clearly that one didn't catch on....
Give yourself a break. Kids will push your buttons and, yes, you are going to to react. Accept that. I don't think he hates you because you smacked him on the bottom. He probably got over it way before you did. Try some of the 'tools' that others have suggested and see how they work for you. With DS1 I used to count. With DS2 the word 'stop' seems to work.
My mum told me a story where my brother was pestering her all day. I want a drink. I want a drink. She gives him a drink and he doesn't want it. I want, I don't want all day. She was over it. She was washing up and he came up to her and said one last time, I want a drink. She said fine, I'll give you a drink. She poured him another drink of water and poured it over his head. He was not impressed but quit asking for that drink.