Toddler Discipline Without Shame (9 Guidelines)

Great article I just read and thought was worth a share :)



No Bad Kids – Toddler Discipline Without Shame (9 Guidelines) by Janet Lansbury

A toddler acting out is not shameful, nor is it behavior that needs punishing. It’s a cry for attention, a shout-out for sleep, or a call to action for firmer, more consistent limits. It is the push-pull of your toddler testing his burgeoning independence. He has the overwhelming impulse to step out of bounds, while also desperately needing to know he is securely reined in. There is no question that children need discipline. As infant expert Magda Gerber said, “Lack of discipline is not kindness, it is neglect.”


The key to healthy and effective discipline is our attitude. Toddlerhood is the perfect time to hone parenting skills that will provide the honest, direct, and compassionate leadership our children will depend on for years to come.

Here are some guidelines:

1) Begin with a predictable environment and realistic expectations. A predictable, daily routine enables a baby to anticipate what is expected of him. That is the beginning of discipline. Home is the ideal place for infants and toddlers to spend the majority of their day. Of course, we must take them with us to do errands sometimes, but we cannot expect a toddler’s best behavior at dinner parties, long afternoons at the mall, or when his days are loaded with scheduled activities.

2) Don’t be afraid, or take misbehavior personally. When toddlers act out in my classes, the parents often worry that their child might be a brat, a bully, an aggressive kid. When parents project those fears, it can cause the child to internalize the negative personas, or at least pick up on the parent’s tension, which often exacerbates the misbehavior. Instead of labeling a child’s action, learn to nip the behavior in the bud by disallowing it nonchalantly. If your child throws a ball at your face, try not to get annoyed. He doesn’t do it because he dislikes you, and he’s not a bad child. He is asking you (toddler-style) for the limits that he needs and may not be getting.

3) Respond in the moment, calmly, like a CEO. Finding the right tone for setting limits can take a bit of practice. Lately, I’ve been encouraging parents that struggle with this to imagine they are a successful CEO and that their toddler is a respected underling. The CEO corrects the errors of others with confident, commanding efficiency. She doesn’t use an unsure, questioning tone, get angry or emotional. Our child needs to feel that we are not nervous about his behavior, or ambivalent about establishing rules. He finds comfort when we are effortlessly in charge.

Lectures, emotional reactions, scolding and punishments do not give our toddler the clarity he needs, and can create guilt and shame. A simple, matter-of-fact “I won’t let you do that. If you throw that again I will take it away” while blocking the behavior with our hands is the best response. But react immediately. Once the moment has passed, it is too late. Wait for the next one!

4) Speak in first person. Parents often get in the habit of calling themselves “mommy” or “daddy”. Toddlerhood is the time to change over into first person for the most honest, direct communication possible. Toddlers test boundaries to clarify the rules. When I say “Mommy doesn’t want Emma to hit the dog”, I’m not giving my child the direct (‘you’ and ‘me’) interaction she needs.


5) No time out. I always think of infant expert Magda Gerber asking in her grandmotherly Hungarian accent, “Time out of what? Time out of life?” Magda was a believer in straightforward, honest language between a parent and child. She didn’t believe in gimmicks like ‘time-out’ , especially to control a child’s behavior or punish him. If a child misbehaves in a public situation, the child is usually indicating he’s tired, losing control and needs to leave. Carrying a child to the car to go home, even if he kicks and screams, is the respectful way to handle the issue. Sometimes a child has a tantrum at home and needs to be taken to his room to flail and cry until he regains self-control. These are not punishments, but caring responses.


6) Consequences. A toddler learns discipline best when he experiences natural consequences for his behavior, rather than a disconnected punishment like time-out. If a child throws food, mealtime is over. If a child refuses to get dressed, we don’t go to the park today. These parental responses appeal to a child’s sense of fairness. The child may still react negatively to the consequence, but he does not feel manipulated or shamed.


7) Don’t discipline a child for crying. Children need rules for behavior, but their emotional responses to the limits we set (or to anything else for that matter) should be allowed, even encouraged. Toddlerhood can be a time of intense, conflicting feelings. Children may need to express anger, frustration, confusion, exhaustion and disappointment, especially if they don’t get what they want because we’ve set a limit. A child needs the freedom to safely express his feelings without our judgment. He may need a pillow to punch — give him one.


8) Unconditional love. Withdrawing our affection as a form of discipline teaches a child that our love and support turns on a dime, evaporating because of his momentary misbehavior. How can that foster a sense of security? Alfie Kohn’s New York Times article, “When A Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do As I Say’,” explores the damage this kind of “conditional parenting” (recommended by experts like talk show host Phil McGraw and Jo Frost of “Supernanny”) causes, as the child grows to resent, distrust and dislike his parents, feel guilt, shame, and a lack of self-worth.


9) Spanking – NEVER. Most damaging of all to a relationship of trust are spankings. And spanking is a predictor of violent behavior. Time Magazine article, “The Long-Term Effects of Spanking” , by Alice Park, reports findings from a recent study: “the strongest evidence yet that children’s short-term response to spanking may make them act out more in the long run. Of the nearly 2,500 youngsters in the study, those who were spanked more frequently at age 3 were much more likely to be aggressive by age 5.”

Purposely inflicting pain on a child cannot be done with love. Sadly however, the child often learns to associate the two.
Loving our child does not mean keeping him happy all the time and avoiding power struggles. Often it is doing what feels hardest for us to do…saying “No” and meaning it.
Our children deserve our direct, honest responses so they can internalize ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, and develop the authentic self-discipline needed to respect and be respected by others. As Magda Gerber wrote in Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect, “The goal is inner-discipline, self-confidence and joy in the act of cooperation.”

Fantastic, thank you for posting. Is there a link so I can share on FB?

Yeah, I just never know what links are ok, lol! I just had a look around the site though and I think this is alright.
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Love this!! I often struggle with what the natural consequences actually are though? Like for eg. we have told DS and DD not to climb a tree in our yard, today he climbed again and fell out and scraped his nose so I guess that is all he needs for that to drill into him, but say they are fighting and hitting each other? or talking back to us and arguing? Our kids are a bit older (4 and 5) but I always struggle with finding the natural consequence for things other than taking their toys away ITMS.

I'm not up to the fighting/hitting stage with DS but I plan on talking to him about how the other person feels, so the natural consequence is that he's hurt someones feelings and now they're upset and may not want to play with him.

Struggling with finding the natural consequence for playing with the gas heater. Potentially burning to death seems a bit extreme. Daddy goes mental also seems inappropriate, but that's whats been happening! This article is EXACTLY what I've been looking for recently, so thank you :)

That was a great read! Thanks!

Here are some natural consequences I do with Liebling (age 5):

If you get dressed when I wake you up instead of stripping then screaming that you're "shivery" and therefore cannot dress yourself (when I have given you your clothes so you can strip and dress under the duvet), you get 3+ breakfasts before school as we have time for that.

I know there is a light behind the TV, it is a power switch. It is electricity. If you play with it, you get hurt, like in Star Wars when Darth Vader dies.

The oven is really, really hot. I'll open it and you can put your hand near the warm air from the door briefly. That's ouchy hot, isn't it? How hot would it be if you touched it? Good idea, let's not do that. (or) If you do touch it, it will burn you. Like when you kicked Mamma's coffee all over your arm and her face. So it hurts then you have to have cold water on it for 15 minutes, which you don't like, so it doesn't blister. (or) If you touch it, you get cooked like the sausages. No, I don't think we should touch it either. (Lots of examples for lots of different hot things and depending on how dark my humour is at the time!)

That isn't respectful talking to me. I don't talk to people who don't respect me. You can apologise and we will talk about the issue or I won't play with you until you show respect. (FWIW, Liebling is welcome to question my decisions, so long as it is respectfully done - although that's classed as "talking back" by some.)

Fighting hurts people. Is it nice to hurt people/Do you like to be hurt? Then why do you choose to hurt another? Let's apologise for hurting then talk the problem through together without violence.

Any thoughts on how to get a 2 year old to do things she is asked? Eg have her nappy changed, get dressed, brush hair. She often won't do anything I ask. I've tried using a normal tone, asking her to help Mummy, be a good girl etc. It makes no difference. I'm getting too pregnant to 'manhandle' her (i.e. carry her to her room to get the task achieved). It's starting to do my head in.

Have you tried telling her why you want her to do these things, or saying what will happen if she doesn't? "Good" doesn't mean much to a child: "good" can be running around playing with a friend or sitting still - both of which are opposite activities. And if you say "be a good girl for mummy" then tell her she isn't good for not being compliant - what's that doing to her self-esteem? She's still good, she just isn't compliant.

Have you also tried asking why she doesn't want to do these activities? EG Liebling doesn't want to get dressed in a morning because it's too cold - so either I help him so it's quicker or he gets dressed under the duvet. Liebling doesn't want his hair brushed because there's a knot in it - it will get knottier if I don't brush it so he has the choice of brushing his hair himself properly, me doing it or us shearing it all off again. I've always asked him to clarify why he is being oppositional, as soon as he was speaking (before that I understood he didn't like it, then explained why I was doing X anyway) and helped him to explain if he didn't have the words.

Thanks TBF - you're right about the use of 'good', need to get out of the habit of that. I've tried saying things like "we need to get dressed now or we will be late for swimming" or "I need to change your nappy as its very full and can't feel nice on your bottom". But it makes little difference. I think she is learning to test her boundaries and it's not helping that some days I am less patient thanks to pg hormones etc. Asking her why she doesn't want to do these things is a good idea though. Will try that. And try to be more patient! Thanks :)

Mrs P, can you try making it fun? If the first time I ask something I ask it in a fun way my kids are all for it! lol. i.e. 'ok, little bunnies, can you hop over here for me so I can brush your hair' ... and they hop over because they think it's a game. Otherwise, I just let them see the consequences, i.e. sorry, we can't go to the park yet because you're not dressed, as soon as your dressed we can go!