One of those really hard days...

Im having one of those really hard days. I miscarried our first pregnancy a couple of months ago. Now I’m on CD17 and had a positive OPK a few days ago and wondering if we will fall again this cycle. My hope and excitement has brought the MC back up in my mind and I have been thinking about it a lot this week. Sometimes I tear up a little and other times I just take a moment to let myself think about it and then move on with my day.

I was visiting my mum today and she informed me that we would be going to my uncle&aunts house for Christmas lunch this year. As soon as she said it I felt my chest turn hot red and my throat tighten. My cousin and his wife are pregnant. We fell at the same time but theirs stuck. I instantly thought of seeing them with a beautiful pregnant belly, glowing with the excitement we once felt and watching people swooning over them with proud smiles. They will know the sex by then, just as we would have. We planned on announcing the sex on Christmas day.

Of course, I do not wish anything bad for anyone and I certainly don’t feel that they don’t deserve to have their healthy bub and excitement that goes with it. But, there is just no way I could spend the day with them, watching them.

My mum said I can’t just avoid pregnant people. And I don’t! I have other friends who are pregnant and I can rub their belly and give them that smile that speaks louder than any words and really mean it. Unfortunately my cousin represents exactly where we should have been, but aren’t.

Mum said maybe I will be pregnant by Christmas and so it wouldn’t be so hard to see them. Falling pregnant again certainly won’t make me feel better about losing our first. I will still remember our loss.

I felt the tears welling and left my mums’ house leaving her feeling terribly guilty. She didn’t mean to upset me and I know that. She has been wonderfully supportive.

I’m not much of a crier usually but when I cry for my lost baby, I cry hard. So I had to get home and I have never been so happy that DP has chucked a sicky!

So now I’m just having one of those really hard days when it all seems fresh all over again. Does anyone else have those really hard days when something unforseen happens and triggers that underlying sorrow that otherwise would have stayed hidden?

If you have gotten this far through my depressing post, thank you for reading :hug:

Hug
I'm sorry for what your going through I m/c baby 1 and can't imagine what it would be like to see someone who got pregnant at the same time living the life I imagined I would be but had been taken from me

I'm so sorry to hear about your m/c hun :hug: And I'm not at all surprised that for someone that has lost a baby, it is very hard dealing with pg women and happy pg news. It really hurts and it stings and it does take away that shine, it's just the way it is, it's our coping mechanism. One thing that my psychologist told me that I always remember, is that you don't have to put yourself in situations where there are pg women and babies especially when you've just had a loss. Period. It's OK to avoid social functions, christenings, baby showers etc. One day it will become easier, but that's up to you to decide when that will be. It's that much harder for you as your cousin's wife's baby would be the same age as your little one. I have a friend who was 4 weeks behind me when I fell pg in Feb this year, except I had a m/c and she's just had her baby girl 4 weeks ago. I was excited to meet her little girl but was hurt as well that I didn't have mine (I was also expecting a girl). Quite a few months have passed now, and I have learned to accept and cope with my m/c so it's not as bad now. Thinking of you hun and wishing you peace and healing as you go through your journey :hug:

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