Grief, BF and formula

So as many of you know, I had a breast reduction 20 years ago.
My gorgeous DD is now 5 1/2 weeks old and is breastfed while receiving formula as well through a SNS- Supplimental Nursing System(feed line) which we've been using successfully for about 10 days.

For the past few days I've been thinking about how it would be to just breastfeed, but its really not do-able, unless DD was attached to me constantly. I'm not sure how much milk Im making at the mo(last check I think it was about 50% of what DD needs) and will pump tonight to get an idea.

The thing is, grief has hit me BIG time today.... big sobbing grieving tears. How do I come to terms with this? I know she is getting breastmilk from me and that I love BFing. I just wish I has the time and energy to pump even just once a day so she'd get more from me.

I have time to pump now, but DD was unsettled with tummy pain so Im wearing her now as she sleeps. I feel so guilty for not pumping to give her more breastmilk but I'm often so tired at the end of the day and just need to sleep. After the first feed at breakfast time DD and I go back to sleep until she wakes for her next feed and somehow I dont usually get time to pump until after dinner when its late and I'm tired.

I bought a second SNS so I could use it overnight and BF DD at the same time but a bottle is so much quicker when Im tired and DD is half asleep.

How do I deal with this grief? How do I get to a point of being ok with how things are? Will I ever be at peace with not pumping or should I find a way to work it into my day?

I'm sorry you are grieving. Only you can decide about the pumping. Your DD is still so very new - try to go easy on yourself. Your emotions/hormones etc are all a bit messed up, and you know that you are lacking sleep as well. FWIW pumping is not as efficient as breastfeeding, so she is getting more than you can get yourself.
Please be gentle with yourself. What you have done so far is great. Better than never having tried at all. :hug:

:hug:
I think it's really important to acknowledge the grief - it's very real.
Are you a reader? Miriam Labbock has written some really interesting stuff on breastfeeding, guilt and grief.
When there is an interruption to the normal reproductive process, our mammalian brains can interpret this as the loss of the baby, triggering a physiological state of mourning, even if logically, in our higher brains, we know that what is happening is the for the best.
The way this affects us, and what we need to work through it is very individual. Some women find talking to a counsellor helpful - and an ABA counsellor can help with this for eg - or might find comfort in doing something proactive, or in something else entirely.

You are working really hard to feed your baby and doing a great job. Your feelings and well being are also very important. If you need to take a break and get some rest, then that's ok, too. Finding peace with all this could take a bit of time, but I hope you are able to. If you feel that what you're experiencing is more than this, or that you need help, please talk to your GP or someone else you feel comfortable with.

Take care!

:hug: Frangipani Lou..1st, I don't know much about BFAR but I feel I can somewhat relate.. My supply is very low (I think it's hormonal) and my son was failure to thrive so he was getting topped up through an NG tube. I did briefly use an SNS but just couldn't get the hang of it. DS isn't topped up anymore, as he's older he just has water through the day then a BF morning and night and sometimes if he still wants more and seems frustrated at the breast he'll have a bottle. I still express 3-5 times a day because I don't want him to have fomula, but also because if I don't my supply drops even further. I have been expressing for 13 months now and it's just a part of my day.

If you do want to try and express, remember you don't have to pump for ages.. It's probably better to pump for shorter times more frequently. As Lenny said though, bub would be getting more at the breast anyway!

If you don't want to express then thats ok too.. If you want to give bub more breastmilk, maybe you can look into donor milk? I didn't pump enough for DS so he was supplemented with donor milk. It's not right for everyone, but for me it took so much pressure off, knowing he was still getting breastmilk even if I couldn't provide it for him.

Feeding bub through an SNS is hard work, as well as dealing with a newborn! You are doing a great job to be giving her what you can.

As for how to get past it? I have no idea. I'm not there yet. I love breast feeding but HATE expressing. My goal is Feb. I would love to keep breast feeding, but I think my milk supply will drop and he'll wean once expressing stops, so I have it in my head that February will probably be it for both expressing and breastfeeding.

Anyway, I'm sorry breast feeding isn't easy for you. I hope you can make a decision you are comfortable with. If nothing else, just let yourself get lost in the moments bub is on your breast :hug:

I had probs feeding both my girls and neither were exclusively BF so I know exactly what you mean about guilt/grief.

The constant head battle of wanting to express more but not finding the time really is exhausting. I found it interfered with my entire day as it didn't matter what I was doing - housework/cuddling/playing/cooking with DD1, I felt like I SHOULD be using that time to express. I think it's worth looking into whether shorter but more regular expresses to build supply (rather than building an EBM supply if that makes sense) would be do-able. FWIW when I was relactating, I found it OK to express or attach DD2 on an hourly basis for 5 mins here and there - much easier than expressing for 20 mins every few hours.

The only thing I can really tell you is that the grief eases with time but right now you're in the thick of it. I found that I was much more at ease with my decisions at around the six month mark when you can see that they're thriving.

Hugs. I fed DS1 EBM for 11 months. While I was proud of myself for getting through it, I cant say I'd do it again. Expressing is really no fun at all (understatement), and at some point you need to balance your desire for giving your baby breastmilk with the need to maintain some sanity.

You are doing a great job - just do whatever works for you xo

Aw hun. I've only just seen this - you should have given me a call. :hug:

Some things to keep in mind... As Lenny says, DD is still so little. You are both learning and growing and working this out together. You will have good days and bad days, that is ok.

Many mums experience a huge range of emotions around Breastfeeding - they are all valid and should be acknowledged. It is ok to be sad at the way things are.

I'll give you a ring tomorrow for a chat ok? :comfort:

Thanks OP, that'd be great :-)

At the risk of stating the obvious, in another couple of weeks DD will be much better at "pumping" than any pump, and you can always give her an extra feed instead of pumping. Also, one of the better ways of increasing supply when your baby is feeding well and being the "pump" most of the time is just to squeeze out the last little bits after she has fed - even if you squirt them down the sink or into a flannel. Takes almost no time, and would have much the same effect as pumping.
Please be gentle with you - it may not seem like it, but you are doing a really good job there.

I can comment on the grief aspect of your post as I too have felt the pain of not being able to exclusively breastfeed. All I can say is that you have to remind yourself that your grief is real, it is okay and it will pass with time. At first, I could barely be around people breastfeeding without feeling like I was going to cry. Now, although I am still disapointed, I have accepted that this is my lot in life (not having enough breast tissue to produce enough milk for a baby). And I remind myself that being a mother is MORE than what you feed your little one.

With my 2nd child, I knew what I was facing, I did my best and I made choices that were right for us as a whole family. This for me meant that I would feed DS2, then top up from the bottle and only pump if he hadn't fed in the last 3 hours (a very rare occurance). DS1 needed me to be his mother too, which for me, meant I couldn't spend hours feeding and pumping on end. I needed to stay sane for them and to rest and to play with DS1.

You are doing a fantastic job. I've heard from a GP that as little as 50mL of breastmilk a day has so many good "things"in it for their immune system etc.

Thanks guys. Well this morning I did the test.
I pumped while DP gave DD a bottle and in 30 minutes I got 78mls! That means I've got almost 80% supply! Far more than I thought I had. I thought it would be closer to 50%. So it was well worth doing the test today.
Spoke with my LC and she said that I could try just BFing for the first 2 feeds of the day and see how we go.
And not to worry about pumping.
DD isn't always finishing the suppliment in the SNS so she's obviously getting lots of breastmilk from me.
Feeling a bit better :-)

That is fantastic! Remember bubby would be getting more from the breast than you'll get from the pump..