Coming to terms with lies

I just have a question. In the last year two relationships have ended in my life. In both circumstances they have ended with the other person telling some big lies about me and my beliefs.
I have dealt with the emotional side of the relationship ending. That I can do. But what I seem to be having problems with is the lies that were told. It erks me because they are so untrue, I cannot stand that they are out there, being told to others. Waiting to have to explain myself to others etc.

So heres the question. How do you move forward and let go of it? I know I cannot stop people from voicing their opinion of me, telling lies about me, but how do you move through life without letting the lies halt you?

Tah

I'm going through the same thing atm and I'm not coping well with it at all. I have basically hidden away, which I know is bad because it just supports their lies but people will believe what they want to believe. I have found that I do have some pretty awesome friends who have supported me through this but I still find myself mourning the loss friends who believe what they've been told. It hurts and there's nothing I can do about it.

:hug: Tinks.
Im doing the same. Im hiding away. Im finding it really hard to be around mutual friends and family. Like you I know I have some awesome friends, but most of them are mutual friends to where the lies are coming from which just makes things more complicated.
Im tired of hurting, of it affecting me. I just need to the tools to move forward (without having to move towns :lol: )

Thank you :)

I've recently realised that the reason a few people haven't spoken to me in a while is because they've been told lies about me. I don't know what kind of lies, but some vague comments have been made, I've come across them, and put two and two together. I'm not sure I'll be able to get over it anytime soon, so I'll be watching this thread hoping someone has an answer :(

I have come to the realisation that the people who tell lies have their own problems and insecurities.

If your 'friends' believe them, they are not your friends. They would come to your defense and they would come to you and say "hey, this person said this" and give you a chance to explain.

It sounds simplistic and I know it isn't always as easy that. It seems to have worked for me and weeded out the bad and kept in the real.

:hug: everyone..it's tough going.

Thanks Heather,
You are so right. Sounds easy but not really in real life.

I understand that, I can rationalise it, except it. But how do you let go of the emotional attachment of knowing that there are active lies about you? Does that make sense?

I find when I am happy with my life and myself and life in general, 'things' do not bother me. I have the attitude I have posted about above.

When I have self doubt about myself or life is being difficult, that is when I start to have trouble letting go. I take a step back and really think about me first and how I am feeling and make the adjustment with me and then everything else falls into place.

:hug:
Is it possible to talk to the people who have started the lies? Ask them why they have said what they have? Ideally talking to them peacefully, showing you are the better person.

For me I find it hard to move on when I don't understand why/what happened.

It takes time - it's not something you can decide over night and magically have all the pain disappear. i've been through this more than once - with both family and friends. the family thing dragged out over a couple of years. i "lost" a lot of friends, who chose to believe the lies. in the end, i looked at my life and wondered if i needed people in my life that would believe what was said, and i realised i was better off without them. i didn't need them in my life to validate it - it was pretty damn good without them and their dramas. i know there are STILL lies coming from that particular branch of the family, as i have reconnected over time with some mutual friends - the ones that hadn't taken sides and had moved away from both of us, and then noticed that i moved on and she maintained her bitterness. as you've probably noticed on fb and probably here too - i'm a pretty open person! so when i went on living and just being me, and she got stuck in the bitterness, it became apparent. i've heard more about the lies that were told, and now i just find her pathetic and have moved on to the point that i almost pity her the existence she has - it's not a real life if she is living vicariously through others all the time, and only feels like she is fulfilled if she is dragging others down

The ex-friend - i actually pity her and her minions now. similar stuff - doing all they could to cut me down, and i wouldn't budge and be what they thought i should be, so they decided to take me down a peg. thing is, it didn't work. yes, i insulated myself and deleted a lot of mutual friends from fb - not because i didn't trust them all, but because i was withdrawing for ME, and if i did have a rant about her (which, from memory, i don't think i did), it wasn't fair on mutual friends to be seeing it. i got abused by one person for not letting her decide on her own if she believed the other or me, but at the same time, she showed her true colors by 100% supporting the other and calling me every name under the sun. it was hard, and i know as recently as a couple of months ago there was still stuff being said, but meh, again, i figure if they're lives are so pathetic they have to tear me down to make their own lives worthwhile, i actually pity them. i am saddened that i culled some people in the heat of the moment, and i do miss their interactions, but i can't change that. i had to be true to me and protect myself from the negativity - both real and perceived by me at that time

i am always going to be true to me. i'm not going to bow down. i'm not going to let it defeat me. if i live my life true to me, those that matter will see that, and the rest will be like water off a ducks back (eventually - as i said, it takes time to get there)

i'm sorry you're going through this hun (and you Tinks) - it's crappy and upsetting - but you CAN get through it - both of you

Thank you all. :)

heather, you are right, my self esteem level definitely impacts how I handle the situation. Right now Im working on mindset a lot, and before this current hiccup came along I was doing well, but Im getting back on track.

Little_O, I have tried talking to the person, but more lies just seem to spew out and then she blames everything on me. So in the end I just gave up, and stopped trying to work out what the problem was.

BG, thank you :) A lot of what you have said has resonated with me. :) And you are right.

Last saturday night I had this nightmare. I was at home and there was this bull racing through my house. It was massive, its horns were super sharp and it was trying to attack me. Anyhow, it kept charging at me, and I kept pushing it away but it kept charging.
So when I woke up the only thing that came to mind was the idea that I have take charge and 'grab the bull by the horns' and own the situation.
Im coming to the realisation that for me, people telling lies about me, are people trying to take the power away from me. I wasnt in control, and thankfully I wasnt comfortable being in that position.
So I got up, had my morning coffee and brekky. Then I sent a text message to the person who causing all the trouble at the moment. Firstly I thanked them. Then I explained that I had realised that their problems with our friendship is just that, theirs. Otherwise she wouldnt feel the need to fabricate lies in order to end the friendship. Then I thanked her again.
I feel like I have taken my power back because I have called her out on what she is saying. I thanked her, because now I realise that what has happened hasnt been about me, but her, and I need to thank her for that, I didnt want to spend another minute of my life wondering what I had done to cause the end of a friendship. And I was able to stand up for myself and inform her that I am not going to turn a lie into a truth.
I have no idea if this is the long term answer to my original question but its a start. I think its about taking the power back, but not stepping into their shoes and treating them the same way they treated you.

Beansbeans: good on you! I think that is your answer. As far you could you tried to sort te situation out. If they won't let it be sorted And continue with their pathetic lies that's their problem, but at least she knows you know now.

Like others have said, true friends will stand by you.

Hope this has healed you a bit :hug:

That is great, well done for taking control back.

I think you have answered your original question in how you handled the situation.

:hug: