feeling a bit sad for DS (4 yo kindy)

Ds started kindy about 8 weeks ago.
This is his first "formal" learning environment, he has been at home with me since he was born. No day care, etc, etc.

There have been a few incidences at the kindy,
one day when I took him in, he chose a seat next to a little boy, who turns to me and says "Jacob is a naughty boy" I said " oh, is he now?" he then says, "yeah, he is a bit naughty"

then another day we go in, a little early, only one little girl eating her lunch, her mum is one of the parent helpers, I ask J where he wants to sit, he plonks himself next to the little girl, who immediately starts packing her lunch up, her mum notices and says "what do you think youre doing? you can stay right there" mum walks out, little girl gives me a smarmy look and packs up and moves to another table...

then today... we get there a little later than usual, only 2 spots left to eat lunch, a table full of girls and a table full of boys, J wants to sit at the boys table, so we go over and I see the childs name on his lunch box, "here we go, you can sit next to D" J sits, then D starts screaming "I DONT WANT HIM TO SIT NEXT TO ME!!!!!!!! NO, NO, NO!!!" :o
I probably just gaped at him for a minute, then just said, "well thats not very nice is it?" I looked around for a carer but everyone was chatting away and seemingly oblivious to the situation....
So I said goodbye to J (who also seems oblivious) and left...

my heart is a bit broken for him though... wehave had chats about him making friends, his second week, after being told by him that he plays by himself every day, I asked him why he didnt play with any of the kids, he said they wont play with him, I asked why and he said that its because he yells at them.. oookay, que chat about introducing yourslef and asking to play etc...

DP and I were called in for an interview last week, about J's progress, they were concerned about his development, tbh I really think that much of their concern is due to the fact that they dont see kids who stay at home (no daycare) anymore... they have admitted that this is the case when I brought it up. gee they actually have to work! LOL

they think he may be behind a bit developmentally, with low muscle tone, have organised a session witha speechie etc... they asked if he was prem, or had any major ilnesses etc.. basically he is very advanced in lots of areas but very sl;ow in others ... when I explained about the whole tonsil/adenoid/oxygen thing, the director was quite relieved and actually said "well that all makes sense now!"

J is still excited to go to kindy and see all the kids, play etc, he has not once said he doesnt want to go. but it seems like every day he has some new thing to tell me about how someone said this to him, or someone did this to him etc, etc..

I just dont know what to make of it...:shakehead:

Aww, big hugs sweetie. I couldn't read and not reply. Firstly, big hugs to your little boy. It would break my heart if this was happening to my DS as well. My DS who is now 3 has been going to cc since he was 2 and a bit, only because his doctor said to send him there so his speech could be worked on being around other kids his age. It was the best thing I've done in terms of his speech development, although he does still play largely on his own and that was the other reason I've sent him, to develop his social skills. I'm just wondering if your DS is not used to being around other kids? Either way, the kinder teachers should be supporting him in socialising with the other children and encourage him to make friends. I would have regular chats with the staff there to see how he is going. Good luck hun.

Hugs hun would make me sad as well. I have concerns with DS1 as well, when I ask about who he plays with he doesn't seem to know a lot of names but always seems happy enough at kinder and excited to go. I was parent helper the other day and I don't know if it was because I was there or not but he only wanted to be with me and play with me and take me everywhere. I asked the teacher who they have on a thurs (other 2 days are a diff teacher) and she states he plays well with other kids. Watching the other kids thought I wondered did he really as all the boys seemed very rough and OTT and all the girls were very girly girl and didn't want to be near the boys.

It is so stressful leaving our babies, DS1 has been in CC 1 day a week for 2 years and this year his best friend at CC is no longer at the same centre and he is still very sad and keeps asking for her and he went back to CC in jan.

Thanks Girls, I am feeling like I have let him down by not sending him to cc, I could have gone back to work and then we would have just been able to scrape it in, but there didnt seem much point me going to work just so he could go to day care ITMS??

J tells me that there are 2 people he plays with, another J and a little girl, but then he had a bit of a falling out with the boy as he threw wood chips at him.. the story goes that they were throwing them at everybody then Josh turned and threw them at Jacob, so Jacob doesnt want to play with him anymore...

The girl, mia, we hear about every day, according to the director she is a "mother" type who has taken J under her wing. But today J said that Mia wouldnt play with him because she had to play with someone else... he was very sad :(

I chose this kindy because its such a small local community, within walking distance and I plan on sending him to the primary school attached.

The director came up to have a chat the other day because Jacob had been pushed off the slippery dip, face firt into the bark, they had to administer first aid etc.. she was very impressed as J got up, and told the kid who pushed him, that it wasnt nice and he shouldnt do it "you hurt me!" had it been 6 weeks ago, J would have run up and smacked him in the head! (true, he would have, I have been very concerned about his violent outbursts, part of the reason I didnt want to send him to CC)
This parenting gig is pretty tough sometimes hey?

I wonder what your DS's teachers are saying to children about their response to his behavior and the language the children are using (naughty). I hope his teachers are saying to the other children that your DS is learning about how to be around lots of other children in a new place, just like everyone else.
It would be useful for a Preschool Field Officer to come and visit at kinder and observe your DS to see what is really happening. It can be hard to see clearly what happens before an incident every time, so another set of trained, experienced eyes can help. A PFO is then able to put a plan together and make some recommendations to put into place in the kinder and at home.
Sometimes children use not so socially acceptable ways of trying to connect with others and instead of a connection forming, further distance is created.
I'm also hoping that your DS's teachers are focusing on building a strong relationship with him and are giving him positive feedback for positive behavior.

IMHO Not sending your child to childcare and keeping him at home with you is really the natural way of raising a child. I would love to stay at home with DD and not return to work later this year but its not an option for us. I agree with you that it didn't make sense for you to work just so your DS could go into care. Any challenges that he is experiencing now may have been noticed earlier but it seems like his teachers are getting the ball rolling in partnership with you.

Frangipani: that was my concern too, J being labelled a "naughty kid" from what I have gathered though the kindy does apply the dealing with the behaviour, not the child type thing (sorry brain fried at the minute, Im sure you get my meaning!)

J was very delayed in walking and crawling, talking etc... when he had the choking in his sleep thing happening last yera and we discovered his abnormally large tonsils and adenoids, after his op, the docs all said that due to his deprivation of normal oxygen levels that was all to be expected, J has improved in leaps and bounds since then (almost a year ago exactly now)

The kindy has involved him in one of their specialised motor skills groups, where a small group of kids goes to the oval/gym to do some gross motor skills activities, he really enjoys it (according to the director) they think he may have low muscle tone due to the fact that he refuses to sit cross legged on the floor, he will lay, kneel, etc, but not sit.

For the first week, I heard that they couldnt even get him to come inside for "quiet time" he was on the playground, outside, so they let him do his thing, until eventually he got the gist of it and what all the other kids were doing...

The director is lovely, J and I get along with her famously, there is one lady there though (who is a trained childhood educator?) who gets on my nerves as she speaks to me as if I were a 4 year old too, I dont like when adults speak down to kids, it just doesnt sit right with me, J doesnt like her much either, if we arrive and she is there, he goes in to sleep walk mode, all limp and closes his eyes, goes all mute, so I'm assuming that the two of them have had some kind of run in.

Director has said that she will call us back in either before the end of term or in the beginning ofthe new one, to discuss J's progress, I think I might need to start keeping a list of concerns to go over with her..

This is the first year DD has been in formal care (3 yr old kinder 3hrs twice a week). I have been surprised at how quick the first term has gone.

Some of the carers responses, or non responses, that you described would concern me more than your little one adjusting to the different environment. However, it is promising that they are organising appts for assessment for you. Maybe they are adnavced in some areas and not in others too.

I wonder if having a play date out of kinder with one or two of the kids might help him on kinder days. Give them a boost in getting to know each other when there is not so much going on.

Maybe do a parent helper day? Its a real eye opener watching the dynamics with all the kids, how they all behave and interact with each other. Very interesting. Could give you your own look at how your son interacts and how others interact with him.

I would start with doing a kinder duty and then speaking to the teacher about getting him assessed if you still have concerns. There are a couple of children being assessed at our kinder.
I did kinder duty a few weeks back and it was a real eye opener watching the dynamics of the group. While I was there a lady (assessor) came and spent 2 hours with this child which was just playing with them and being right there when they were playing with other children...One minute the child was playing in a dolls house with a couple of other children and in a split second this child had thrown a wooden piece of furniture at another childs face...even the assessor didn't see that coming...things happen so quick!!!
I think organising a playdate with another child at kinder is a great idea!!