How often do you leave your kids to sort their own battles?

DD is 6 and DS1 is 4 1/2. Some days they fight like cat and dog. I know it's a brother/sister thing too, and totally normal to argue/fight, but some days they just go a bit batty! Like today....

I try not to get involved too much, but it doesn't seem to be working for me/us. I try to tell them to talk to each other and use their words, or walk away from each other if the other isn't listening or if they need space. This arvo (mind you DD has been home for all of about 55mins!) they have been at each other, and have made each other genuinely cry at what they were doing/saying to each other. They hit, they scream, call each other names, and just generally be nasty. I sent both of them to their rooms for 5 mins and then made them talk to each other civilly, apologise and tell each other they will be nice, they won't hurt or insult each other and I told them they would spend more time in their rooms if they can't treat each other with respect and kindness.

But I really don't want to micro manage them like this. I want them to just be nice to each other, or if they're in a bad mood, to find somewhere to calm down/rest/whatever they need to do to cope in each others presence. They can play really well together and usually do, but there seems to be alot of times I am rousing on them too.

What other strategies can I use to help them manage their emotions? I don't want to have to be stepping in on their arguments all the time, they need to learn to cope themselves! Or am I asking/expecting too much?

I've only got just the one 7 month old baby so this might be a crazy idea, but is it possible to have a quiet/personal space? So if they are feeling annoyed or upset at each other, they can go to their little space to be alone and encourage them to go there instead of calling for you and/or fighting?

I have the same problem re micro-managing. My DH says I should just let them be and they will sort it out but I can't stand the noise and the niggling! I grew up as an only child till I was 13 so I genuinely have no experience of siblings being siblings. DH on the other hand was the eldest of 3 and says everything our kids do and say is normal.

I try to let it go as much as I possibly can but usually, like you, I end up separating them. If it is just words and not nasty words I will try and let them sort it out, once it becomes physical thats when I step in. Also if they are outside and really really arguing loudly then I will pull them all inside because I am conscious of our neighbour.

My two are younger so sometimes I have to step in to avoid the two year old hair pulling, but generally I ask if they need help or can they sort it out themselves. Sometimes dd asks me to remove ds because he is wrecking a game and I think that is fair.

When I was a kid mum used to send us all outside if we fought and said 'call me if there's blood'. It used to unite us and generally we would get over whatever we were squabbling about.

I'm fine with them sorting their own battles but I am very strict about fighting either physically or verbally. It's ok to disagree or to get heated when trying to resolve a problem. But no nastiness, no physical attacks. I've been like this with them from a very early age. I really dislike the notion that fighting is normal.

Ang, you sound similar to me. I did have older brothers, but they were 9 and 10 years older than me, so there wasn't really much fighting between me and them, though there was plenty between them, since they're only 16mths apart, just like my two eldest kids.
I try to ignore it until it's a bit more serious, or if they're physical, but that seems to be happening more regularly. I would really love it if they would just go their separate ways when they're too in each others faces. There is tonnes of room in my house, there is no issue with having a room to themselves to cool off and chill out.

Arcadia, maybe I should try the outside thing too. Go outside until you both figure out your issues with each other, or you can sleep in the cubby house!!! (J/K!)

Rouge, I think that's what is the problem, in the past their arguing has just been that, they have little spats, then all is well in their worlds. But lately, probably since DD started big school and DS1 started pre school, they've been name calling (just silly little kid words like poo head, dumbdumb and slug, which comes from DD more than DS1) but to me that is the beginning of it all! DS1 has also started hitting DD pretty seriously, and DD is starting to retaliate (though not so hard hitting as he can be). So I really want to nip it in the bud, but I want them to figure out how to talk to each other too.

Maybe address their behaviour but not the problem. With situations like this I often ask leading questions rather than tell them how to behave. If that makes sense. Also ask them how they would feel if you acted this way towards them and if you acted this way towards your partner. And if you do act that way nip that in the bud first ;)

I try to remember to do things like that. Ask them how they would feel, or how they think their words/actions are making each other feel. I also ask them how they think they could make up for it/help the other feel better (as in apologise, give a hug....)

I think I am becoming too caught up in it and I'm getting a bit to 'screamy'. Because I am getting so frustrated at the behaviors, I just rouse at them, tell them to go to their rooms, and then they just automatically apologise to each other afterwards. But they learn nothing that way. But again I don't want to be with them all the time, and micro managing them....

I wish I could give advice but all I can say is that I totally understand.

I'm hoping its one of those 'this too shall pass' type phases!!

I know it sucks when you have to remain calm. But if we don't we're kind of being hypocritical.

I do the sit on the couch until you sort it out thing. And when they were little I would guide them in how to talk about how they feel and how to come to a resolution. It works. The first few times might be a battle of stamina. As they'll probably just want to call your bluff ;) but when they realise they can't continue playing/eating etc until they have reconciled you'd be amazed at how quickly they learn ;)

My mum used to tell my sister and myself "take it outside and only one of you come back" lol. I can still here her saying it today. We then used to go outside and brawl, get tired and limp back inside best of friends. Well until the next time anyway :)