Missed Miscarriage at 12 weeks
I have no idea where to start really. I am currently going through losing my little one. I got pregnant after 2 1/2 years of being with my partner, honestly, it was not planned but a very happy surprise. I felt scared but amazing that finally my dream of having a baby was now happening. Proved by a cheap home test, then proceeded to get it confirmed at the doctors.. I walked out feeling like I was floating. Was so amazing to have the doctor congratulate us on our pregnancy. Antenatal appointments, prodding/poking/blood tests never took away from the feeling of knowing I was going to be a mummy. FINALLY after weeks (felt like months) of waiting for my first scan I couldnt help but squeal a little reading it was only a week away. Knowing I was only days away from 12 weeks, I felt like I could celebrate a little and get thinking of all the silly little things a bit. Feeling ok (as I had through most of the pregnancy) I thought everything was ok. THE day. Scan day, I couldnt contain myself, I felt like telling every person i walked past I was going for my scan. Sitting in the clinic drinking myself to the point of popping, just to make sure we could get a good look at our little one, I get called in. We get in and the scan starts..
I see the baby and it takes my breath away a little, perfect, just really little. The sonographer seemed to be clicking away but I didnt care, no one spoke so I just enjoyed the amazing view with my partner sat next to me squeezing my hand a little. The sonographer then asks me to empty my bladder so he can do an internal scan. Then I knew something wasnt right. I went straight away and came back and lay down. My heart was beating out of my chest and no one seemed to be reassuring me so my worst fears were slowly being realised.. "Im sorry,your baby is measuring just days less than your dates, but we can't find a heartbeart". Instantly winded and within seconds weeping with the heaviest grief I have ever felt. I turn and see my partner in the same state and all I could say was "I'm sorry" I didn't know what else to say and then the ever increasing list of things I might've done wrong were going over and over in my head. I went into another room and spoke to a nurse. I was offered to go and have a surgical abortion there and then or a tablet that would start a medical abortion, but I was in so much shock I thought they must be wrong. Choosing to go home (on a hour long bus journey, crying the whole way) I decided I needed another scan in a week to double check, just incase, because it couldn't really be happening could it? I was at the "safe point" in the pregnancy. 7 full days of crying and feeling like no one wanted to speak to me so they didn't stick their foot in it, I felt pregnant but also the massive sense of loss that comes with knowing you're not having a baby at the end of all of this.
The week dragged by and I proceeded to go back to hospital, part knowing it would simply confirm the previous diagnosis.
Waiting and waiting, we get called in and I look at the tiny baby on the screen, smaller now with the week that had gone past, I knew. My heart shatterred into a million pieces and again the apology that goes along with it.
Another chat later, I chose to go home and do it all as naturally as possible. "It will start with a slight spotting, the get worse and worse until its like a heavy period" I was prepared.. with the plan of any slight bleeding, I should go to A&E. "It could take a few weeks.." I ignored that, but a few days in, i realised the problems waiting for something like this to happen may cause. Tired, moody and nervous, I barely left the house incase, and another week passed. Feeling like nothing was ever going to happen, i booked myself in for the following wednesday to discuss my options again.. the thought of carrying around a "dead baby" was starting to get to me in all honesty.
Wednesday 1st may comes along; with tummy pain and dread. All day, going to the toilet just to check.. nothing happened.
Thursday, exactly the same. The night gets on, my partner couldn't be home, I decide I better just go to bed as nothing seemed to be progressing. 2 am, tired and upset, my tummy pains got worse and worse. I stand up to go to the bathroom and think I've wet myself. Confused and embarrassed I turn the light on and to my horror, it was blood. Waking my mum, it just seemed to be pouring out of me without so much as a warning. Bath towels at hand, pouring blood over my floor, my mum rushes to ring an ambulance. 2 towels soaked with blood, Im passing out with the loss of blood and clots, I thought I was dying. Finally the ambulane men turn up. They seem shocked at the amount of blood and rush me to hospital. After drips, blood tests, injections to stop my bleeding and a horrific internal examination with forcep removal of tissues, they thought they may have been able to try and stem the bleeding. 5 minutes later they seemed to be proved wrong. Crying madly I was rushed down to theatre for a D&C. I come around and feel weird and empty and although im glad to be ok, the realisation my baby was definately gone. I didn't realise at that point if I hadnt come into hospital when I had, I probably would've died.. I was exhausted and all I could do was cry. White as a sheet from blood loss, dizzy and sick, I felt worse inside.
I was discharged from hospital once my tests came back, blood pressure was stable and they were sure they had slowed the bleeding down and got home to the scene of my loss.. blood everywhere and the same bed I sat on when I first saw my positive pregnancy test, I felt my whole world had finally crumbled to nothing. Breaking down crying I have felt like Ive been under a dark cloud since. I feel weak, sore and completely miserable. Every baby I see, or bump makes me feel like asking if they genuinely deserve it, and if them being happy with their babies is the reason I dont have mine, I just feel like if I had someone to blame, I'd feel better. Having any reason for it is better than not knowing why it happened. I had never heard of anyone having a missed miscarriage before, so I had no idea what to expect or what to do now its all "over".
Any support would be amazing, as I feel like my partner and me are so distant at the moment. Neither of us know what to say or do and Im scared not only have I lost my baby, but I'll end up losing my partner too..
I feel useless, worthless, a complete failure of a mother before I even got the chance to prove myself.
What did I do wrong? Why do I not deserve a baby when there are people who don't want their children?
I hope someone can lead me in the right direction, or I can help someone else who is going through the same thing one day.
Missed Miscarriage at 12 weeks
Oh hunny that was the most heart wrenching thing I have ever read. It is not your fault and nothing you did or didn't do would have changed this.
I don't know what to say except talk to your partner about how you are and how he is, tell him you are scared of losing him to. Be a rock for each other because your relationship is precious.
Most of all be kind to yourself, rest grieve, scream...do whatever you need to to get through this awful time. Thinking of you xo
