Does being selfish make you a "terrible" person....

So I just had an emotional meltdown, DH is away and he told me on the phone to just choose what you want to do (for Mother's Day) which made me feel like I had to choose between my mum and spending the day with him doing the stuff he needs to do with his mum and daughter. :(

anyway, so my meltdown included a long winded text to him as follows...

I'm sorry. No other family I know does things separately when it comes to stuff like this and I feel like you don't want to spend the time with my family - like you don't care.
I know I'm making a bigger deal than it needs to be, but I feel like I sacrifice a lot for your daughter, i am always thinking about whats important for her and sometimes I wish I came first. You just tell me not to worry, or just make a choice, but you don't understand what you are asking me - choose my mum or you... Really..?! How can I possibly do that... I want to choose you, but I want to be a good daughter. I feel like a pathetic pile of crap that can't get anything right, even with this I am stuffing it up and annoying you, but I just want you to understand that I am finding it challenging. I want you to say it will be okay and we can work it out -not that I have to choose between two of the most important people in my life.

Even worse I know you are going to ignore this and not even mention that I sent it. I know my irrationality probably reminds you of your stupid crazy ex wife and I hate that, but you know I can't keep pretending that I am okay with everything.

I just want you to let me know I am not alone and don't have to make the decision by myself and not a ****ing idiot like I feel. Not to change the topic or pretend it didn't happen. That my feelings are okay even if they are a bit silly. That my stress is on your shoulders too. That we will make it happen together. I just don't want to feel alone. I try really really hard not to make you feel bad and to push things aside and be a good, non stress, low maintenance wife... But I can't keep stuffing all my frustrations inside in the worry they will remind you of her.

anyway... I know its stupid to send him a text to say how I feel, but I just can't say it... I am sure there is a whole year of weekly counselling in that concept alone... But anyway... He has never responded before to my attempts at written communication with him, but he did call back tonight. This is a good thing of course :) And did make me feel better...

But our conversation included a discussion about everything that's going on for us with TTC. He said things like "you have to be selfish, we have a small window of opportunity for this and you will be the one thinking about it in 40 years, not your brother or sister or anyone else, you have to be selfish and not worry about what they think"

i said "but if I am selfish wont that make me a terrible person" which of course he said no. I know he is right in one breath, and in another, I feel like... Hang on, it's not okay to be selfish, we need to be a community, we need to look out for each other and try to do what is right for the important people in our world. Thinking about others is what makes us "good people"...and I that there is another assumption, that being a good person is what we are striving for....

I believe that we are all innately selfish at some level, and I feel like I fight against it within myself all the time.... And see it in others... My mother once told me I was selfish... Self centred, in that my automatic reaction was to think about how the situation would impact upon me, before I decided what to do... She said that's usually chose the 'good helpful option' but she insinuated that it didn't come naturally... I had to think about being nice.... At least that's how I took it....

So it got me thinking what the BB community thinks..... How does being selfish fit in your life....? What are your experiences of others, and how do you see it in yourself... And what do you think about it??

And maybe that would help me feel a little bit less miserable about the choices I am making to think about myself and what I need at the moment. Although perhaps I am not doing such a good job at it, which is why I have been crying for the past two hours :(

I just thought I was happy, I thought I was doing okay...

But one little bump in the road and the whole car has broken :( :(


Ill be okay tomorrow... Really... I'm just experiencing emotional meltdown right now and could do with some words of encouragement and to feel less alone in this stupidity that is my brain.

I think it's okay to be selfish about some things. And trying to have a baby is one of those things. Your family should understand that too surely? Sometimes you do need to learn how to say no, that doesn't necessarily make you selfish, and if people are so demanding of you, they are the ones being selfish in reality.

Oh my gorgeous friend I am sending you a big hug.
There are times in your life where you need to be a little selfish we all do and I think now is one of those for you.
I also know you are not the only person who feels bad for having to make the decision to be a bit selfish and think of yourself and your feelings for once.
I am glad that dh called you back this time and you got to talk and if the only way you can say it is in writing then sometimes that is what you have to do.
I hope you work out this weekend so that everyone including you gets a little bit of what they want.
I here for you, you know how to get hold of me even if it's for me to listen to you cry and let it all out I don't mind one little but. You are not a crazy person or awful person you are a wonderful women dealing with an awful lot at the moment. Hug hug hug hug xoxoxo

Lots of hugs to you my lovely.

I am sure I had a friend, (ahum) to tell me that it was okay to be selfish and think about what I needed, because if I wasn't happy then how could I be apart of anyone else's happiness

I think there is a huge difference between being selfish for those kind of reasons (like having a baby etc) and being a complete selfish asshat who only ever thinks about themselves...

You are NOT the latter - you are one of the most selfless, caring emotional people I know.

It's all about balance. If you have the right balance, no, it won't make you a bad person - it will actually make you a better person!

I recommend reading "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. This stanza is relevant to you:

:

---

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

---

There is a difference between being self-aware, self-protective and having self-respect or being self-centred. That doesn't make you selfish. It means you are honouring yourself. You dont need to be a martyr to others' needs to be a "good" person. Sometimes saying No is the best thing you can do.

I totally agree with L&B, well said :)

I think it's perfectly OK and normal and acceptable to be selfish sometimes, after all, you've got to look after your own needs and always put yourself first. Gosh, I know what I want to say but can't put it into words perfectly. I know one thing, you are such a beautiful and generous and understanding and level headed person, and very thoughtful and kind. Always put yourself first and foremost hun, it's not a selfish thing to do, it's a necessary thing to do to be the most happiest you can be. Big hugs gorgeous xoxoxox

I only have one thing to say.. Without knowing the situation, you are WAY too emotionally invested in the exact current circumstances. If you can, get away, even for the day, go out with a girlfriend, friend, your partner even (banning talk of current circumstances) I just want to breathe with you and tell you it'll be okay. Because it will. Can you go to therapy and do a big debrief? One session won't solve anything but it sure as hell makes me feel better for the week.

Thanks everyone. I do feel a bit better today, am going to call my mum later and just tell her what I want to do for the day, hopefully she will be okay with that. I think they forget that this is the first Mother's Day where I am supposed to actually BE a real mother :( not just a step mum
feeling a bit stupid for the rant, but that heavy feeling is still there, so I know I'm not totally 'right' at the moment.

Also it is possible that I have some extra medication running around in me which is messing with my emotions .... But I am keeping that quiet... ;)

Katters I do have one of my regular appointments with my psychologist booked for next Friday, which will be good. That's what I wanted DH to do, just tell me it will be okay and we will work it out. It was my Facebook status last night too... "Just breathe, apparently its good for you" But I had to tell him that's what I wanted, and its not the same when you tell people to tell you what you need... So thanks for breathing with me.

Gosh I wish my brain would turn off, not sure i can accept that is okay to be selfish, although I would be totally say thing all those things to my own clients... Sometimes I really feel like a hypocrite.

did a guided meditation before bed, which helped me tune out. Am going to try and do that every night to help at the moment,as I suspect things will be a bit all over the place for a while.

Deep breath.... It's a beautiful day in Melbourne and its my day off work, so I have opened the house and am going to get some vitamin d in me

Gee I'd make a great husby. :D

Thanks for motivating me, instead of laying around watching Grand Designs, I'm going to get off my bum and get my house shiny and smelling of bleach and lavender carpet powder. :)

Okay, fourth time lucky....trying to get the words our right here so I don't upset you. (Don't know how many times I've deleted what I've written!)

I can understand where you're coming from.

It is okay for you to be selfish.

In fact you aren't being selfish at all.

What you are doing is hurting.

There is nothing worse than a mothers day when you were supposed to be a mother. Just like there is no worse thing than a fathers day when your child doesn't have a father but you see them all around you.

We take so many things for granted in our lives that it's hard for people to understand how much it hurts to see happy families together. Gosh, even if they aren't so happy, just doing the weekly shop or anything mundane. It tears at your heart and leaves an emptiness that nothing can fill except that which you are missing. My body ached watching families together, a family that I thought my son and I would never have.

This mothers day you are hurting and I think you deserve to do what ever it is that you want to do. If you want to go and spend the day with your mum, I think you should. Make the day about her. The other thing you could do is just to tell your DH that you want to spend the day with him. His daughter can go to his mothers house (drop her there on the way out). Go somewhere and enjoy some grown up time together. He's probably hurting to but doesn't know how to help you.

Allow yourself to grieve and allow yourself to heal.

Wishing you love and joy on your journey.

:hug: gorgeous girl.

Something I have learned with age is that sometimes it can be all about me. It can be myturn for a while. Everyone else has had their time, and I am sure they will have another turn. I used to be the people pleaser of my family, the one to sort it all out and be the peace keeper and while in my mind I thought it was making me a great person, it was getting me no where. Everyones lives still went on when I stopped making it all about them and started invested in myself.

I dont think selfish is a good word, I think investing in myself is better. I still like to keep the peace but only if it makes me happy to do it.

Mothers Day is really hard when TTC. Especially after your loss last year. This year it should have been your special day. Your feelings are relevant, should not be dismissed and neither should you be made to feel bad for having them. There are important and make up who you are.

As for your DH making you choose unfortunately men think this is their way of helping. That way he is seen as not putting pressure on you when, frankly, we see it as a cop out.

My mum always says to us girls "If you understand that men and women are completely different, then you will be alright. Its when you assume they think like us, you will run into trouble."

These days I invest in myself constantly and I am alot happier. I dont hurt anyone in doing so (I am not a mean invester) and have great relationships with my family, friends and DH so something must be working.

I hope your feeling a bit better today and can catch up with good girlfriends for a debrief xxx

I just wanted to let you know that I thought of you yesterday. I hope you ended up having a lovely day.

Oh Cass thankyou so much.

Actually it was a bit crappy. Sunday night my sister text to tell me she has something to tell me and would call me Sunday (which she never did) i reckon she is UTD... And if she isnt thats a dumb text to send me, and my sister in law announced her second pregnancy at lunch - I wanted the whole world to swallow me up.

But... DSD made me a lovely necklace - even though it broke I was truly appreciative. And DH and I went out to the movies. So I survived. It wasn't the ideal day. But I made it.
Thankyou lovely lady x

Lots of hugs. xoxox.

Hearing about a new pregnancy is certain to be a bittersweet event. When we were TTC DS2 my cousin announced her surprise pregnancy. I cried like a banshee because she has always said how much she hated being pregnant. I thought it so selfish of the powers that be to grant her a baby and not me. Hang in there. You can only get through these things one little step at a time. Be kind to yourself on this journey. :hug:

I think it's lovely that your DSD made you a necklace.

Sister never called, but I asked my mum who confirmed what I knew. My sister is too gutless to tell me herself but yes she is 12 weeks pregnant. Happy Mother's Day myturn :(

mostly I'm okay, not going to behave like my sister would and not go to her birthday this weekend, although I'd liked punish her, I am not that kind of person. Going to let her stew and make her tell me herself though.

Speaking of what NOT to do... This is IT!

I am deeply saddened that your sister chose 'that' way to yell you her news!
If she knows what you are/have been going through- her delivery of the news shows no thought for your feelings at all.
Unfortunately there are many people out there who just don't 'get it'
Well done to you on being the bigger person....

Many, many, many :hugs: