Don't know what to do now...
It's been a year but I can't ever forget. We were in our mid 20s and happy about having our new baby. I felt like the luckiest guy in the world until the woman decided to leave me and change her mind about the baby. I knew I couldn't save my baby but the least I could do was try! And I did but she didn't care anymore.
I know it was my fault because I wasn't responsible and it was unplanned but that doesn't make me feel any better. I really feel like I lost whatever honor I had in me. I had so much combat training in the military and I endured so much! I almost died when I went to Iraq and after this happened I really wish I would have just stayed there and not have to experience the loss of what had come to mean the most to me. But this is what I survived for. This is what I get for being irresponsible and this is the guilt I have to live with for being a guy who cares so much.
Nothing matters anymore and I'm not happy to breathe and wake up each day when my child will never get to wake up nor ever see the light of day. Why do I deserve to keep my life when my baby's heart will never beat again? Is this for the good? Does this exist so that there is no over population in the world? I hated my mother for having had me despite [supposedly] when my father did not want me born. But now I feel I was wrong to judge her.
It all makes me feel that "this" is the most disgraceful thing to be ever done by humanity. At first I thought I'd be better off because there would be no burden of responsibility of caring for a child. I could still finish school and enjoy spoiling myself with the money I would've otherwise spent on my child but now I feel what's the joy in living after I caused the death of my own child? And why am I not brave enough to end it? I have the means. And maybe it would reunite us or at the least end my shame.
I don't know but I just feel like some kind of fraud. I did not plan on living this long and even if I were to have another child, my first one can never be replaced. I would give anything to turn back time and let my baby live. I would endure a hundred years of torture to give my child a chance but I don't know what to do and why to keep living. Should I return to the military and expose myself to war again? Die for unjust causes so that I do not kill myself but rather let someone else do it for me? Should I just forget about it and continue my life where it left off just as the woman has done? I can't do it. My honor does not let me. The honor that for some strange reason I have even though it wasn't taught to me!
This is personal and I'm not sure why I'm sharing it. Maybe someone out there can make me feel even an extremely tiny bit better. Other than that, thanks for reading and have a good day.
