Why can I only visualise the bad parts?

Hi, I've got a few questions for anyone who is a guru about this stuff ;)

When I think back to my previous births in preparation for this upcoming one, all I can see in my head is how scared I was with DD2 and that I was screaming and begging for my midwife to help me. I know I didn't cope at ALL during that labour and thats all I seem to be able to see.

However, I know that I didn't act that way during DD3's labour - I worked with the contractions, and I think I only screamed when pushing because of her bad positioning - not during the actual contractions.

So how come I keep focusing on DD2's labour and my fear in that instead of focusing on DD3's good labour when I did cope and the worst thing I did was say the eff word a lot?

I just don't understand it, and its beginning to really get me down because I feel that I won't cope during this next one. I know I need to work through it but I don't know how?

I can't answer you, but I know I was more anxious in the lead up to DD3's birth, because I started to think there was no way I could possibly have 4 natural, no complication births. I felt like I was tempting fate & was really getting worried about ending up with a c/s. Biggest fear of mine...

I feel a bit like that as well. Like, maybe the first two vba2c's were just flukes and I've had my luck with births and I'll have a c-section like the first two. Which isn't really scary to me, I don't like them and I sure don't want one, but the thought of it doesn't scare me. The thought of '"failing"my homebirth attempt scares me more actually....

have you tried completely immersing yourself in the fear and yuckiness of the birth? I found i needed to do it, (at a time when i had energy and space to handle it) in order to then move on and consider other options. when i kept running, it kept creeping up on me, and i felt bad without making any ground on it.

for me, it took almost the whole 2nd pregnancy to feel ready.

So how do I do that?

Two things here from my perspective.

1) pinpointing exactly what it was / is that scares you. And challenging / managing that fear.
For me 'control' (or a lack thereof) was my issue. So I had to come up with ways to gain back my sense of control.

2) until you get (1) under control, don't try and visualize in such depth. Focus on breathing and relaxing all the muscles in you body and letting go if tension. If you are unable to skip over the fears and anxiety of birth itself, focus and visualize instead the happy outcome - you holding a nursing a newborn. Both of you content and happy.

I don't know if I can help, exactly, but I know the feeling you're talking about. I was fearing labour a lot more a month or two ago, compared with now. I was really looking up against it, remembering the pain and semi-panic of transition, especially with some of my births, and having a hard time dealing with that. I remember yelling and just begging to please be done, and could someone help me just be done with this all PLEASE! I hate that memory.
I guess I've kind of gradually worked through those fears, thinking about them, reminding myself that I will get through it and it will be OK, and consciously remembering the better labours instead of the more painful ones. (DS's labour was amazing! Not the pushing part, but the dilating - I couldn't believe it when they said I was 10cm already!) I can't say exactly how it happened, but I'm really feeling better about it, and looking forward to meeting this baby too.
I wonder if it could help if you sort of thought through your "worst case scenarios". So you're afraid of "failing" your homebirth. What would that mean? What would cause that? If you and your midwife did everything you could to ensure the safe and healthy arrival of your baby, would that really be failing? Do you trust your midwife to give you the best care and to help you make the best decisions? If that's the case, then you can't "fail". You might have to transfer, but hopefully you'll be able to have peace of mind knowing you made the best decision for yourself and your baby. A transfer isn't a failure, IMO. Having lousy care and poor information for decision making is "failure" if you want to call it that.
Then, I wonder if it would help for you to really work on remembering your better birth experience. Think about how well you coped and how easy it was (OK, I know it's not EASY, but comparatively... :) ) and how smoothly things went, etc. Tell yourself you can do that again. It will be fine. It will be great. It will be a lovely birth.
Even if it turns out that you run into some issues, at least you won't go into labour feeling stressed and afraid, and being in a better state of mind will help you out. I reminded myself that "a coward dies a thousand deaths, while a brave man dies but one." By being afraid and focusing on all the bad things, I was only hurting myself - spending time being afraid, looking up against labour, and possibly even setting myself up for a harder labour by being in a bad head space. If I decided to focus on the good, then I wouldn't waste time being afraid and upset, and I would be more likely to have a better experience anyways. And if things did go bad, they'd only be bad for that time - I wouldn't have spent hours beforehand worrying about possible bad things.
Know what I mean? I feel like I'm not explaining myself very well. If you want me to try to clarify, I'll give it another shot! :)
Finally, I always like reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth before I have a baby. It just reminds me that my body works. Childbirth is a normal natural event, and generally goes very well when left alone. Good to remember before you deliver.
Hope you're feeling better about labour soon! All the best!

I wonder if maybe visualisation may not be the part of preparation you need to focus on? I haven't been in your exact position but after one birth that left me a bit spooked (the birth didn't go badly, I felt like it was me that handled it badly, losing focus, not being my normal pretty calm and rational self etc.) I don't think I would have personally been capable of visualising anything too far different from #1. Partially because I don't think visualisation is really my strong suit, it's just not the way my brain works, and partially just because I didn't have any other good birth 'material' to work with!

But other things did work, things that suited how my brain does work. Really what worked for me was not so much focusing on 'seeing' it in my mind, but reminding myself that really I am a tough chick who can dig deep and really do things when I want to. I'm determined at everything else in life and have done great things with that determination so why should I not be just as determined and successful at birth. I've been through some tough stuff in my life and got through due to my strong will so I'll just do the same in the delivery room. Gradually this evolved into seeing it as a challenge....I love a challenge and love rising to the occasion and kicking butt. Birthing #2 was a challenge being put before me and I was (eventually) really ready for the challenge and really ready to prove what I could do and that I could keep my mind focused and I could be calm and rational. BRING IT ON.

Of course deep down I knew that there are tonnes of things out of my control that could make it all go pear shaped, but the bit I could control was how I approached it, what was going on in my head and what I did. So I guess what I'm trying to say is perhaps like me visualisation is not going to be your best tool, maybe try some different tools for size and see if another fits better?

I think you guys have touched on something important - I hate not being in control. I hate the fact that I don't know when I'll go into labour, how long I will be in labour for, if the pain will be greater than it was for the others.

I'm scared that it will hurt more and I won't cope - like, worse than I how I was with DD2.

This one is so different, maybe because it was an accidental pregnancy? With DD2 I was so driven and determined to prove everyone wrong that I had that to fuel my desire to get through labour. DD3 was fueled for my desire to do better than I did with DD2.

But this one - I have nothing driving me, so I think its scaring me that I don't have anything else pushing me to get through this, its just all me.

Huh. That could be something to work on.

Oh and Cricket, I've read Ina May recently and have taken notes and will have them by my side during the labour. I guess I just don't have any faith in myself to get through it again.

You're going to prove it wasn't a fluke that you had two great VBACs. You're going to prove you can do it, and do it well. :)

Give yourself a little bit of time to process things yet. I don't think there's any magic word that will instantly take away your feelings of fear/'stress. I know it's definitely been a process in my case. Every time you start feeling stressed about the upcoming birth, try to redirect your thoughts to the better delivery, and to the things you KNOW to be true about birth. Or just try to tell yourself you can do it and it will be OK. Gradually, I believe you'll start feeling much more positive about the birth.