Need to Vent - Issues with Step Daughter

I just need to vent about this issue and I don't know where else to do it.

This is something I've never posted about on BB before, I've always kept this issue personal...

DH has a daughter who is 11 years old. He and I have been together for 4 years, have been married almost 2 and have our own baby on the way. We have a great relationship but his ex-wife has been committed to trying to make our life hell through their daughter. She is extremely vindictive and both her and her new partner are constantly alienating her from my husband.

Court orders are in place and we are supposed to have her 2 weekends on, 2 off and he is supposed to have telephone contact one night a week. Well over the 4 year period this has now become 1 weekend a month if we're lucky and no phone contact. The phone is always switched off. The only time she answers the phone is when she wants to tell DH that she's not coming.

When she's in our care she is great, very loving and genuinely happy to be with us but when she goes home she tells horrible lies because she believes this is what her mum wants to hear. This afternoon she called DH's mobile and left a message saying she's not coming because when she comes and when she leaves she gets sick in the tummy and don't call back because he'll make it worse! She has never ever been sick when she's come to our house. I believe this is probably due to her mother working her up everytime she comes and gets home again.

Her mother tells her to misbehave, be nasty to us, constantly denigrates DH and I in front of her and I am at my wits end with it.

I really think once it comes out that I am pregnant it will all fire up even worse! I'm only 6 weeks so that's still another 6 or 7 weeks before they find out but I guess I just need re-assurance that we're doing the right thing in trying to ignore it and still encouraging her to come. I feel really awful that I feel like this but she has called back and is now coming this weekend because her mum has plans but I feel like I don't even want her to come. I'm so angry that she plays these games and says such horrible things and then will be as nice as pie when she comes - the thought of it just makes me sick.

I almost feel like DH would be better off saying to her that perhaps she shouldn't come until she's older and can make her own choices but I feel terrible even suggesting it. Her mother makes her life so stressful I really believe it would be better psychologically if she didn't have to deal with that.

Taking her to court is not an option - we have basically been told it would cost thousands of dollars for her to get a slap on the wrist and not change anyway because that's her nature so we would be forever in court forking out wasted money because it will not get us anywhere.

Anyway, sorry for the long post - just really needed to get it out there... If anyone has had similar issues I would love to hear your advice... :wall::wall::wall:

I know exactly where you're coming from. I could have written your post although, we are a little further on..... my husband's daughter is now 15 and it's just plain old awful where his kids are concerned.

DH hardly has anything to do with his daughter (or son for that matter) now. We have tried and tried over the years. We hope that maybe one day, when they are older, they will understand. Their lifestyle with their mother is less than desirable but, like you, a costly court case would solve nothing.

Sadly, we have basically given up on his kids. His son has just turned 18 - he has no job, did not finish school and wastes his days playing xbox. His daughter is mixing with the "wrong crowd" and we don't hold much hope for her finishing highschool. I know that some people think we are awful, but there comes a point when you have to put yourselves first. The pain that my husband has gone through has been horrible to watch. Unless you live it, you can't really understand it.

All I can offer is: Love your husband. Be there for him. Enjoy your pregnancy. Bite your tongue when required.

If you need a sympathetic ear feel free to pm me. Many hugs hun.

Sounds really rough Faye! How difficult for all of you. I am on my phone so can only post briefly now, but I will come back and make a proper reply later.

Main thing is staying as calm as possible, it isn't DSDs fault even though she is causing you trouble and its stressful, she needs to feel loved and I think it would backfire if you suggested she makes the decision when she is older.

I will write more later, but know that you are doing an awesome job of sticking in there and continuing to provide a safe place for her is really important. It must be so confusing for her, so breathe and try to put her behaviour when she is with her mother aside, unfortunately you probably have to accept some hard stuff and try to just enjoy the lovely girl who is there when she does come over.

:hug: ill be back xx

Currently on the other side of the fence. My dd (also 11) refuses to see her bio father but didnt want to tell him, so I did it. I'm sure they blame me but, frankly I don't give a damn. Could it be that your DSD doesn't want to come anymore, quite independently of her mum?? (Not necessarily because of her feelings for her dad, but because when you are 11, friends and extra curricular activities seem more important).

Thanks for the responses...

N2L I'm 99% sure she doesn't want to come I just wish she would tell us that. If her mum said it I would believe it was her mums choice not hers, we would rather hear it from her so we know she's not being influenced. So true about the outside influences though and unfortunately her mother purposely arranges sleep overs etc when she is meant to be with us, it's the easiest way to convince her not to come.

The only reason she ended up coming this weekend is because her mum had plans and didn't want to pay for a babysitter.

Oh Faye, huge hugs hun :hug: I can sympathise as I've also had to deal with an ex from hell. Luckily the kids were a bit older, 13, 17 and 21 (the 21 year old didn't speak to us for 5 years, but that's another story!) and although they lived with their mum, and goodness knows what stuff she was telling them, we hardly had any problems as they had a much better relationship with their dad (still do) than their mum. Big hugs again, perhaps just go with the flow right now and make her feel loved and welcome anytime, I'm pretty sure she's saying those things to please her mum. Plus she's still so young hun, she'll learn to make up her own mind about things as she gets older.