XH manipulating kids, custody choices when older

This is kinda confusing, I hope I can articulate it reasonably well

My XH and I have 50/50 time spent with our boys. 3 nights one week, 4 nights the next.

Lately DS1, who is 7, has been saying this like 'Dad says when Im 12 I get to choose where I want to live'.
I asked whether he had brought it up and he said no dad just says that on days when we go to your house.

He's also trying to force all of the children's sporting activities to be where he lives.
I'm particularly upset about this because they're with me every Friday night, at his insistence, and when one sport is a Saturday morning thing which varies between 830am and 930am starts, I think its a bit much for them to have to get up an hour early do that I can drive them the 40 minutes to his suburb, when we could walk to the sports centre near me, and they could go to his place afterwards.

But its more than that. Based on his past behaviour (12 years of it) and history of emotional manipulation and passive aggressive behaviour (towards me and particularly DS1) I think he is doing it because he thinks that the more things they do near him, the more likely he will get full custody of them, which he has said outright he wants and believes himself to be entitled to. Its the way he does things. He runs campaigns, sometimes months and years in advance, to make you think something was your choice.

Is he right in his thinking?

I'm not sure how to handle the situation. :wall:

If you have them every Saturday morning, then you can enrol them in whatever activities you like on a Saturday morning. Or a Friday night for that matter. I'd change them at the end of the season.

That is - unless they also have training, you'd need to find a place that did training on your nights as well as games on Saturday mornings in your area. So for example, if it's basketball/footy, you'd find a team that had training on a Thursday (as an example, if Thursday is your night) and then games on Saturday mornings.

As he has insisted that you have them every Saturday morning, I don't see why you can't organise the activities in your area. They need to make friends and meet other kids in your area as well as his area.

Are the days in the week that you have them always the same?

Catastrophic - School nights are, yes. My boys are with me 3 school nights and alternating saturdays nights

so it kinda goes...

He has them Sun, Mon, Tues
and you have them Wed, Thur, Fri
and every 2nd Saturday...

Could you do what Divvy suggested and look for a sport on your days?

Which school do they go to? your suburb or his? Maybe if they go to his suburb you could say that sports should be in the alternative suburb?

Yes. That was the plan, for basketball.
Until he found out and joined them up near him first.
Now he will say things like 'Well, its up to you if you want to move him out of a team where he is settled and has friends, and break up all those friendships, then thats your choice"

They go to school in his. Theyve always gone there, even when we both lived here, which is 20 minutes away. He moved there after we separated.
So its not like he doesnt have friends here that he would be getting to see if he played sports here.

I can look for another sport here on a saturday morning, but because basketball is already on Saturdays, I'm again 'sabotaging' his friendships.

I will try to get XH to sit down and discuss it, I just hope he will be a little bit more reasonable and prove me wrong.

He's 7. He's only been playing a couple of seasons. It's perfectly normal to move them. People move all the time. My 7yo is onto his second basketball bloc because I moved.

I would discuss it with your son not your ex. And explain why it would be easier if he played for your local team. And the. Inform XH.

That's what I'd do.

I didn't wanna read (again) and not respond, so here is my 2 cents :)

You mentioned sitting your ex down and talking to him - has he proven himself capable of proper adult conversation before? There's no need to put yourself through it again darl; discuss it with your son, and make the change. Would EXH even notice? Does he actually go to the games?

I don't know if you're already doing it, but keep a journal of the things he says to the kids that you find manipulative - I think they would go much further in a custody hearing than the location of the boys sporting activities. Bug hugs to you :comfort:

Definitely keep a journal about what is happening so you have evidence over a long term, not just relying on memory.

Also, I would talk to your DS before your ex. After all, he is the one doing the sport and he may prefer to change.

Why does your ex want full custody in the future and not now? Because he thinks children get easier to look after as they get older? I would try to concentrate on developing the best relationship I can with my kids and ignore ex as much as possible.

I don't think you should talk to DS before the ex in case DS mentions it to him before you get the chance to.

My thoughts and what we have lived by - your time, your decision.
This isn't a major long term health decision, its weekend sport. You're not stopping it, you're moving it. Do what suits you and your kids in the time you have you spend with them.

I'd move to a closer one to you, so that you're not unnecessarily missing out that extra 2 hours of quality time (or sleep - and therefore better temperamented people!) every week.

My suspicions would be going where yours are, but at the end of the day, he's 7. He'll make more friends, and it will be good for him to have a nice local community :)