Introducing A New Partner?

Hi, I am currently in the process of divorcing my hubby and have unexpectedly met someone else. It's a bit out of the blue because I've been friends with this guy for 9 years and never knew he felt the way he does. We've started a long distance thing which I am trying to keep very casual and not too involved as I need to sort my head out with the divorce and moving back home near my family. I am currently in Qld moving to SA and the new guy is in NSW, lol. My problem is that my new boyfriend has asked me to move in with him and while I'm not ready to do that at the moment, it's a possibility further down the track once I get my head together. My soon to be ex hubby doesn't want my daughter spending time with my new boyfriend as he says she is too young not to recognise that he isn't her father and that she will forget who her real father is. I was wondering if anyone else has been through a similar situation and what ages did your children meet your new partner and were there problems with your ex in doing so? I have a step daughter who I first met when she was 5 yrs old and about 12 months into our relationship - at the time we got on but as she's grown into a teenager our relationship is far from perfect and has contributed to my marriage break up with her father. I don't want to make the same mistakes with my own daughter. At the moment she is only 6 months and oblivious to all thats going on around her. Any opinions are welcome.:confused: :)

First of all I just wanted to say sorry for what is going on in your life right now. It must be a very difficult time for you. It does get easier though and its great that you are starting to think ahead.

My husband came into the picture when my dd Jess was 3 and Emmy was 18 months. I had separated from their birth father when I was pregnant with Em. My dh and I had known each other all our lives and had been together before. It felt very very natural for us and progressed quite quickly...we actually married within a year. The children were very keen on him and still are lol especially Em as she was so little. Jess would test him alot with her behaviour and we would have a few talks about being nice and what is appropriate behaviour. I was and still largely am the disciplinarian...so while he always backs me up its really been more me. We have gone on to have 2 more children. The kids have called Darren Dad from the time Olivia was born and able to say it with her babbling. While they have their birth dad in their lives it is Darren whom they regard as their father but that is more because of their own birth dad's lacking and not anything that has resulted from Darren being in the picture. Many people who do not know us assume that we are a nuclear family. In all ways we appear to be so as we have been married for many years and the children are very close. I think its easier for littlies to accept new partners when they are younger..as they get older I think its alot more difficult so we really have been blessed with very few problems. HTH. All the best for you and your future.

Jo

My fiance has three kids and I met them all a month after we started dating. At the time they were 2, 3 and 5. Sounds like your exs main concern is her not recognising him as her dad - maybe he needs a bit of reassurance from you that this will not be the case and also a plan that you will clarify with the child who is who.

I know that it seems common sense to us but I was surprised the other day when my stepson (5) starting telling me something about his "other mum". I had to explain to him that he only had one mum and whilst I love him dearly I am not his mum but his stepmum. Sometimes kids dont get things but it is not apparent straight away.

On a side note it is not actually any of your exs business who the child has contact with whilst in your care and vice versa unless there are abuse or endangerment issues or there are court orders to the contary.

Hope that helps

Maddison's birth dad has not had any contact with her (his choice).
I met my now DH when Maddison had just turned 2. From day 1 they clicked & we never showed any affection in front of her until I knew that he was a keeper! Only bec ause I had seen other couples breakdown & the kids get extremely confused with a few various partners sleeping over each weekend & it's too much for a child to deal with...
So it was quite sometime before she was aware of a relationship & she tried a few times to push boundaries with him to get away with stuff over the years & we married just after her 4th birthday, she has always called him Dad even before we were actuallt a couple so that was really weird...
Most people comment on how much both the girls look like their Daddy & we just agree.
My Dh gets offended if there's any suggestion he is not Maddison's Dad!!!
Take it slow, I guess it will be hard with your EX DH in a different state & that's up to him to maintain contact with your daughter! If he choses to take an active role in her life then he shouldnt have anything to worry about!!!

I met my DH when my son was 2years,3months old after an abusive relationship ended with my sons biological father. DH and I dated for a few months and the 3 of us spent a lot of time together and then within 6 months we moved in together and it felt sooo right. My son called DH by his name and then all of a sudden he started calling him daddy about 2-3 months after living together but we knew we were going to be together for ever and he loved my son from day 1 so we encouraged him.
My ex wanted nothing to do with him and hadn't seen him for a year and then we went through family court, he was granted visiting rights but decided at last minute he didn't want them. We sat down DS and explained to him he had 2 dads but when you are dealing with a 3 year old its not that easy if there is no one there to reinforce that, so he didn't even think about it and neither did we until DS turned 9 and my ex showed up and decided he wanted to play dad again.
After 6 years of not being around,no contact of any sort, we had to sit our DS down and explain to him he actually had 2 dads and he has been seeing him now for nearly 3 years.
When he found out his exact words were" I never knew dad wasnt' my real dad, because my DH loves him and treats and cares for him exactly the same as our other boys.
He calls his biological father by his name and calls DH dad and thats the way we all like it because he is his dad, he has been there for everything and always will be.

If the father is in the picture and he continues to keep up contact,phonecalls, letters, visits etc then your daughter will know him and she will grow up knowing she has a father who loves her and if everything works out with your boyfrind then she is lucky as she will have 2 dads that love her.
If your ex is a nice person and someone she can look up to then you won't have a problem.
It is much easier when the children are younger to introduce a new person into their lives than when they are older.
Good luck with your decision and sorry if Iwent on a bit.
Take care
Michelle

Thankyou so much for your replies. My soon to be ex husband is finding the whole break up thing very hard as he already has a daughter from a previous marriage that he has very little contact with. Ex Hubby split with his first wife when his daughter was a yr old and she grew up with another man as her father and doesn't really consider my ex as her father, only when she wants money from him. I think he's worried that the same thing is going to happen with our daughter. I understand that because of his job he won't be able to have alot of contact with our daughter but I'm willing to cover the costs of her travelling to see him and want her to have a good relationship with her father. For the time being, although we're in the process of lodging our property settlement I am going to remain in the family home until xmas as if we are housemates so that my ex can enjoy watching our daughter milestones such as her first word, first steps etc. At the moment it's working as it also gives me a break from being a full time single mum. I never realised how hard it was going to be until I found myself on my own, lol. Thanks again for the replies.

This can be tough at times. My ex started dating someone when my son was about 18 months old. He used to get on really well with his step mum but not as much now. He throws the old "your not my mum" routine. He does also call her mum which is something he on his own worked out and decided to do. I think he was around 3/4 and he told me that she did mum things so she was like a mum and I was fine with that because he figured it on his own. He is absolutely fine with my hubby but was a lot older when we met and understood things a lot more and he loves doing things with him.