When you just can't decide??

We have three children. We just can't decide whether to have any more. It makes sense to stop at three. But DH and I both feel the urge for a fourth. Three kids fit in the house, in the car. Not having any more means that I can pursue my career, we can be more comfortable financially. For a variety of reasons which only exist at work right now, it is a really good time for me to express my interest in advancing my career. Soon, I will have more freedom in the hours I can work. My career is something I have put off for the past 10 years to have my babies.

Having a fourth means continuing to work reduced hours for the next four or more years and no possibility of career advancement. It means a new car. Tight finances in the time I would take off work, and only being able to afford to take about 6 months off. It means handing my body over to pregnancy again and months of pain from SPD.

But someone is missing! And if we don't do it now, the chance will pass us by. But... I think even if I had six more children, there is still the chance that I would always want 'just one more'.

I have tried living with the decision to not have any more and it makes me feel sad. I have tried living with the decision to have one more and it makes me feel anxious.

What do you do if you just can't decide??

For us/me, I am pretty confident this is our last. We have decided not to do anything permanent until the youngest is around 2. We will revisit the topic then

Good luck!

ETA- the spd this time has really put me off.

I felt the same way after DD2, someone was missing. We already had the big car though, and I was already a SAHM, and realistically, I'm going to go to uni and study, so whats another couple of years tacked on to that when compared to another person in the family to love? DH didn't want a 4th, he was happy to stop at 3, however he knew that I would regret not having one more than he would regret having one.

So we had our 4th and we were done. Absolutely done, I didn't feel anyone was missing and I knew I made the right decision.

Now I'm pregnant with #5 because accidents happen apparently! Its not been an easy ride though deciding whether or not to continue with this pregnancy because we felt so very much done. But we decided that the universe did this for a reason even if we don't know why!

I think you will know when you are done.

I love how you say someone is missing. Not just we want 4. I think if you feel someone is missing that could be your answer that number 4 needs to come. Just write on the fridge "someone is missing not heaps of people are" it might help you not think about number 5,6 and 7 ;)

Honestly, reading your post, it sounds like you've already made up your mind, you just need that gentle push to go for it!

So go for it! Go make your missing person :)

I agree with Jaycee, I think it sounds like you want another one. I say go for it. I'm sure the career stuff will come up again in the future.

Me and my DH feel exactly the same as you. I could have written that myself give or take a few different lines lol

We however are currently ttc. If we had good fertility I am sure we would not its just after taking years to conceive with my 3rd and basically not preventing for the past 2years and only one hint of a short lived pregnancy in that time we decided if it happens it is meant to be. Despite this most months when I am nearing the fertile time we don't know what to do. Its ridiculous.

For me I still have the feeling someone is missing. I don't know if that is because I have had multiple early losses or because I always thought I would have 4 children. There are a lot of reasons to stop now but I know in my heart if I don't give this my best shot I will regret it forever. I don't think for most people you regret having another child but you certainly will if you don't. I don't want to always have that feeling someone is missing and that my family is not complete.

Thank you all for your comments and advice. :)

Mildez, like you, my fertile period comes around and we are at a loss - it really is ridiculous!! Do we or don't we?? Condoms, pull out... leave it to chance?? We have always been very fertile, although I am a little older now (36). I feel like 'leaving it to chance' is really making the decision to have another, and that makes me feel anxious!

So each month, as I near O I feel very broody... then O comes around and I panic and either avoid DTD or tell DH to pull out. (Sorry TMI!!) Last month, I had a very faint positive (likely an evap line!) on a HPT and even then I felt very undecided - not entirely excited, but not terribly disappointed.

My DH will be 40 in a few months and he wants to try until then. If it doesn't happen then it 'isn't meant to be'... but I reckon we should make a decision one way or another!

It is driving me mad, this indecision!! :wall:

I can relate to that. When I got my recent BFP which I ended up loosing my DH recently admitted it really threw him and he wasn't excited about it. That was a big of a shock as it wasn't like it wasn't planned. In the end I said it was up to him and since then he has been not careful at all so that is a nice change to what you described as to where to let the end product land lol.

I really really want to be pregnant again and have been getting really disappointed and a bit down at times when its a BFN. But I also know if and when I get pregnant we will also be anxious about have we done the right thing and the financial and career changes it will mean. I guess once your holding a precious life in your arms you know what a miracle they are and non of the other stuff really matters at the end of the day.

...so could've written your post nickle!

no advice...just reading each reply with relish and pretending that I asked the question hahahaha!

...so could've written your post nickle!

no advice...just reading each reply with relish and pretending that I asked the question hahahaha!

TBH, if it was me, I would wait it out a little, save a little more - or buy the car when you are on more hours. With your career advancement, how long would you need to be in the advanced role before you could take maternity leave?

Like others have said, it does sound like you really want another one and if DH is on the same page, I say go for it. Follow your heart (not your head). I thought our third was our last one and now I'm really wanting a 4th. Good luck!

You have to do what's best for your family. It seems to me that advancing in your career is the best course of action so that you can provide the best for your family in the future. Four more years of doing the same is a long time and what if you don't get another opportunity to express an interest in advancement? Your desire for more children may be your natural biological clock and sometimes that's not the best voice to listen to because it can root in your brain and take over rational thought-head vs heart and all that. But only you know what's best for everyone involved and what you can do in your career for promotion in the future.