My 3yr old going through some serious SEPARATION ANXIETY - help!

Hello out there,

In need of some support/advice/guidance or even just empathy. My sweet and 1/2 year old boy is going through another bout of separation anxiety.
He is definitely a bit of a sookie guy / sensitive soul. Both my husband and myself were big cry-babies when we were youngin's, so maybe it's genetic ;)

Anyway, that's really who he is. He takes a bit to warm up to things, even if he "knows" the situation (i.e., childcare, where he's gone for a long time, kindy, friends' houses, playgroup, etc).

He isn't shy, he's actually incredibly loud & outgoing once he is comfortable in a situation. His physical, intellectual, verbal and social skills are all developing beautifully - he's just emotionally immature still. I *thought* this was fairly normal. After all, I am exposed to other 3.5 yr olds all the time, and see varied degrees of behaviour and development. True, my DD is on the far end spectrum of "still gets sad when mummy leaves", but up until recently I wasn't concerned.

Now I am - simply because this "round" of separation anxiety is seemingly worse and going on for awhile. I've chatted with a few people who know early development and I've been told kids can go through 2-5 "bouts" of sep anxiety before they start school. Ok, cool - so he's going through one. And it truly is a matter of - he is upset when I have to drop him off at kindy or childcare, cries, etc., but calms down within a few minutes after I leave (I am told - I tend to call, esp on very bad days, because of course I want to check on how he is).

True to textbook, he has a big cry, then is fine, starts playing, has a great day, plays with his buddies, etc. When I pick him up he's happy & excited, tells me about his day, etc. etc. It's just that no matter what I try to do, he still has severe separation when I have to leave. I've had extensive conversations with him (as much as one can with a 3 yr old!) to ensure that he likes childcare and kindy, that he's having fun and all is well with carers and his peers.
I've tried to get to the *root* of a reason why. I've tried tricks I've read in articles - leaving him with a photo of the family for comfort, ensuring my goodbyes are happy & upbeat & swift, so that I'm not lingering and prolonging his anxiety.

I know the more I stress about things, the more likely my anxiety is going to transfer to him. The reason why I'm upset about this all of a sudden is that his Kindy teacher (where he attends two sessions, for a mere 5 hrs a week) told me last week that she thinks he'd benefit from another year in 3 year old Kindy, because of his emotional factor.

I was floored by this - not because I don't see it myself or want to believe it's true, but because I didn't see it as such a huge issue until she approached me a fortnight ago. Now I'm a wreck. I also think that his recent sleeping issue is playing in - he keeps having broken nights, for no apparent reason, and he gets up far too early (earlier than his GroClock that we set every night), especially since he recently dropped his nap. So I think it's an overtired issue - as kids obv get emotional and ratty when they're overtired.

But now I just feel judged and like there's something really wrong with my child because he cries for a few minutes after I leave. There are certainly other kids who do the same now and again, but my DD is pretty consistent with it, so it's probably fresh in his kindy teacher's mind.

Sorry to ramble!! I know I haven't even really gotten around to any questions per se yet. So here goes:
-Do I allow myself to stress like this over one woman's opinion about my son? My instinct says - yes, I agree with her that he's got a lot of emotional developing to do. But being a sensitive bub is who he is, always has been, and it doesn't mean he can't be ready for 4 yr old kindy in six months from now. And if he cries there too, is that such a huge deal? Aren't there kids who still cry at dropoffs when they start school, too?

I'm blaming myself a bit too, which isn't making for good. I keep thinking - ohmygawd, what if he's emotionally messed up cuz of me somehow? I thought we had a strong bond and attachment. He was breastfed, he started 1 day a week at childcare at age 1, and has since grown in number of days. But he's at home with me more than half the time. He's got a good balance of social and home life. I'm a good mom - I just am pulling my hair out about his anxiety.

Is there any other strategies I can employ to help him??
Does he need to see a child psychologist? (my husband says this is silly, that he's perfectly fine, just on the rare end of the spectrum of anxiety in kids his age)

I have the offer of enrollment at his Kindy for next year, for 4 yr old Kindy, so it's our decision (and I need to make it by Friday). It's just causing stress with me, because now I feel like I don't even want anything to do with that Kindy, and that i'm being judged when we go in for dropoff if he's the slightest bit emotional. True, he'll be in a different room with different teachers next year, so it shouldn't matter I suppose.

Arghh - ok, I'm done rambling!!
Mama's Stressed!!

Hey daffomere, Firstly, there is nothing 'wrong' with your DS if he needs another year in 3 year old kinder! Lots of kids do two years of 3yo, it's not about whether there is something 'wrong', it's just about whether he is 'ready'. If I were in your position, I would be asking for a meeting with his current kinder teacher to discuss the reasons for her recommendation. I suspect that it is based upon more than a few tears at drop off - perhaps there are more signs that your son needs a bit more time to develop his social maturity and resilience?

I want to put this gently, because it is clear that you are feeling sensitive... this is not about you, or your parenting or what is 'wrong' with your DS. No one is judging you. It is just a matter of figuring out what your DS needs and providing that for him. Perhaps he needs another year of 3 yo kinder, perhaps her doesn't. Sit down and have a chat to his teacher, talk it over with your DH and do what is best for your DS. :hug:

Darl, just want to reassure you that it's nothing you're doing wrong. Some kids are just made that way. I know because my second daughter is just like this. Takes ages to warm up. Some of my friends have never heard her talk because she clams up yet she's a chatterbox at home. She is going through a 'phase' right now. I had to call the childcare centre this morning because she was saying she didn't want to go. We worked something out but she still wasn't happy when I left. I know it's rough.

Now, if she was my first child, I would no doubt be beating myself up. Because she's my second, I'm a lot more accepting of the fact that she's just made that way. My first child has been brought up in exactly the same way yet she is THE most outgoing child you could possibly meet. Everyone comments on how extroverted she is. They are opposites who just came out of the womb with different personalities. I have done nothing to turn my children into introverts or extroverts and neither have you.

I have 2 girls who are not sooky at all, they are outgoing, have been at CC from 12m and generally always happy to go with people they know other than mum and dad - no issues.

BUT both of them had exactly what you are describing in terms of separation anxiety at age 3. It was only with me, not with their dad and was so bad at times that he had to do all of the drop offs because it was just too traumatic. With DD1 I assumed it was because I had DD2 at home and wasn't working and that she knew so she was putting on a show but the CC carers told me that they see it a lot at that age and they assured me it was a developmental phase. They told me this again with DD2 but because I had seen it before I wasn't worried.

There is a lot of time to mature between now and starting kinder next year so I would go with your gut and what you believe. I would also flag it with the teacher next year to keep an eye on him and if there are still issues he can repeat 4 yo kinder (assuming that because I am Vic and you can do that).

Don't beat yourself up, you know him best, go with what you believe to be the best option for him.

Thank you!!
I really appreciate your response - and I think you're right, a meeting to discuss is probably a good logical step!!
Our chat the other week was chaotic - in that my son and my DD (she's 1.5 yr old) were pulling on me to get out of the kindy and go to park, so I wasn't able to have a proper chat with her.

And I hadn't even thought about the 'developing resilience', that's a huge consideration.
thank you for your words!

Thanks for your words, Fiona.
My son is my first, so yes, that's probably a reason why everything is so raw with navigating the sea of parenting. I have DD who is 20 months, and though she's only little, she already appears VERY different in temperate than DD. For instance, on the days they go to childcare together, I drop the 1 yr old off first, and she's like "Bye bye!" and good to go, whereas the 3 yr old is the crying one. Always makes me kind of chuckle. (and if you throw supposed gender stereotypes into the mix as well).

anyways, thank you thank you for your words!

Some kids are just extra happy to be with mum. My DS1 still cried all through the first 3 terms of kindergarten. My DS4 is 3.5 now and hates going. He screams and cries and hides under the table so he doesn't have to go. Then has a great day when he actually gets there. I would definitely meet with the carer when you have your questions ready and are more able to concentrate. If its just the separation anxiety I wouldn't hesitate in booking him for 4 year old kindy next year and like someone else said - if it's still an issue later he can do 4 year old kindy twice.

There are some definite similarities between our LO's...

DS was 3 in May, and while he doesn't suffer traditional separation anxiety, he is an anxious child. In fact, I was talking to his 3 yo kindy teacher today (after raising the issue with her earlier in the year) about getting him some help. She is going to recommend a few avenues - paeds and OT. She's never mentioned repeating 3yo kindy. But she did say his kindy next year would be concerned, so I think it wise to look into it earlier rather than later. I too never considered, and still don't, that he's not 'normal', though I do know he's different from other kids.

DS is articulate, intelligent, sensitive, creative and friendly. His social/emotional, and physical skills don't match these skills - he's overly cautious and definitely not a risk taker. DS is very clingy at home and follows me everywhere, even from one side of the room to the other. Not like that when we're out and about so much anymore, unless its busy. He wakes at night and comes in (often saying he's 'lonely' or needs a cuddle) and never waits for the sun to come up on his Groclock either! ;) He is constantly asking DH or myself to 'keep him company', to the point that it stops him enjoying normal play (he can't go get a toy from the box on the other side of the room as its too far to go by himself). He doesn't climb or play at the playground like others his age, preferring to push the coloured sliding balls around or play shops (I always used to wonder if anyone actually played with those parts of the playground when there were slides and ladders!!).

I know it seems a bit extreme to be thinking of professional help for a three year old, but I would rather intervene earlier than later, and if the professionals think there's nothing to be concerned about, then that's fine.

Kids are all different, and I don't think you should be blaming yourself for yours being the way they are. I don't blame myself for the way DS is. But if I can help him to cope better, then surely I owe it to him.

Personally, I agree that lots can change in 6 months. Can you accept the kindy place, but cancel later if you change your mind? Surely other families move or change their minds at short notice too...yes, it's inconvenient for the school, but you need to worry about what's best for you. Look into avenues for support and see what you can find.

I hope me sharing our situation helps. Would love to hear what you decide.