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I was talking with an old friend yesterday and we reflected on how it's so easy to be critical of ourselves as Mumma's. We started to brainstorm some ideas about what makes us a good/ great Mumma.
Here's what I've come up with for me so far...
I'm affectionate, empathetic, I respond with sensitivity, I'm thoughtful, nurturing, gentle and patient. I acknowledge feelings.
(Now I'm stuck...with a tear in my eye.)
What makes you a good/ great Mumma?
There are things I am great at I am sure, but for everything else I am a "good enough mother" - it had always been my philosophy but recently I found the term "good enough mother" and the term is perfect. Here is an article about it from Huffington Post
:
The 'Good Enough' Mother
Posted: 05/18/2012 2:41 pm
I've been stewing about this post for months. MONTHS, people. I wanted it to be perfect: Clear. Concise. Informative. Witty. Earnest. Knowing. Comforting. Wise.
Bah!
My need for perfection is completely counterproductive to this discussion and a direct slap in the face of my intent, but it took me until just this second to realize that. What can I say? I'm slow like that sometimes. Settle in, folks, and let's chat, mother to mother, mother to father, parent to parent, failure to failure.
Once upon a time there was a man named Donald Winnicott. He was a pediatrician and psychoanalyst in mid-20th century Britian. For psychology wonks like me, he is a rock star. I learned about him in graduate school and he changed my life for the better. He's not cool enough to have cured cancer, but his theories were significant enough to include in my wedding vows. And that tells you something about me -- I included psychoanalytic theory in my marriage vows. God bless Mary Tyler Dad.
This man taught me everything I know about mothering.
Winnicott developed a theory in 1953 called the 'Good Enough Mother.' Now before I upset any Dads in the house, know that this theory, in my belief, applies to you as well. But in 1953, there weren't a hell of a lot of stay-at-home dads running around. And those that did exist were probably shunned a bit. So please understand Winnicott's language and theories through their historical context.
In a nut-shell and in Winnicott's own words:
A mother is neither good nor bad nor the product of illusion, but is a separate and independent entity: The good-enough mother .. starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant's needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant's growing ability to deal with her failure. Her failure to adapt to every need of the child helps them adapt to external realities.
The failure Winnicott refers to is not specific to bad things that mothers do that damage their children, but instead, the perception of the child as the child grows and develops that Mom is no longer able to "fix" everything or make it all better. No parent can ever meet every single need of a child from the child's point of view. If this were true, the toddler temper tantrum would not exist. Think about those states of mind kids get into with the dramatic mood swings and crazy demands. No way in freaking hell that those whims should be catered to by a parent, hence the concept of a parent's "failure."
When I first read this theory, I was about as far away from parenting as one could get. I was single, living in a dimly lit studio apartment in Chicago, working half-time and going to graduate school full time. The whole concept of parenting was not on my radar. I was in my mid-20s and way more interested in dating, clubbing, learning and, as I fondly like to say, "developing a personality." Because I was such a squirrel growing up -- no interest in sex, drugs, or rock and roll -- I embraced the late bloomer thing fully at this stage. So, yeah, parenting was not on my agenda.
But those words -- good enough -- spoke to me in a way that made an impression. I carried them with me, mentally, and applied them as needed. The graduate school mantra of "turn something in," regarding papers, etc. was nothing more than "good enough" applied to course work. The Christmas gifts hastily purchased and wrapped just moments before they were opened were "good enough." Throwing all my laundry into one load was "good enough," as clean skivvies were more valued than spending $ on small loads of properly-sorted piles.
After Mary Tyler Dad proposed to me, I applied the concept of "good enough" to our wedding planning -- nothing fancy, nothing spectacular, no Bridezilla here. Truth be told, Mary Tyler Dad was way more freaked out on our wedding day than I was. The food was okay, the dress was acceptable, the wine was passing. Somehow, though, the total effect was sublime.
'Good enough' had served me well in the planning of the wedding, so I decided to integrate it into my marriage by vowing to be the "good enough wife and mother." I take my vows seriously. Irish sentimentalist that I am, I laminated copies for Mary Tyler Dad and I right after the honeymoon that we both carry in our wallets. I wanted those words to be more than fancy promises, so my vows were about Cheerios, work-life balance and good enough wifing and mothering.
The concept frees me with its liberation from expectations. I never have to be perfect, I only have to be good enough. If you read further into Winnicott's theory, you learn that striving for perfection is a sure path to screwing your kids up in epic proportions.
Something else to recognize is that my version of good enough is going to be vastly different than your version of good enough. What is acceptable to me just might be considered neglect by others. And what you consider standard practice is something I might never condone for Mary Tyler Son. That sounds extreme, but my infamous Facebook car seat debacle was proof that parenting standards are hard core personal.
My point is this: Embrace the concept of "Good Enough." Breathe it in, breathe it out. Let it wrap around you and soothe your tired, worried, guilty soul. You will fail your child. You will. It will happen. Some of us do it daily. Some more spectacularly than others. What Winnicott tells us though, assures us from his mid-century psychoanalytic throne, is that it is okay. Everything is going to be okay.
That my 3yr3mth old is a happy healthy well-adjusted boy.
And that I made it this far without strangling him LOL
The fact that I keep on trying to be and do better. All you can do is the best you can with what you have at the time. I'm trying to remember that and be more forgiving of myself. My kids are happy, healthy, wonderful little humans. They rock. A fairly large part of that reason is because I am their mum.
I'm screwing Liebling up less than I was screwed up (at his age). Parenting win. That seriously is my sole "good mama" criterion as I don't do the guilt. I make mistakes and learn, as does everyone, and my 6yo shows no signs of fear, neglect or depression. I rock.
My kids are happy! I do the best I can. I think about how I want to parent and try to do better where I think I can. I parent how I think is right for my kids, even if that goes against the norm.
I'm doing ok :) I really ♥ this 'job'.
My kids think I'm awesome. And they have forgiven me for my mistakes along the way. I see children as people. And even more importantly as individuals. Their respect is earned not demanded. And they are pretty awesome human beings. My proudest achievement to date is their existence. I really really love being a mum. No matter how hard at times it was or how much guilt I have felt over my choices and actions it is awesome. And then there's the usual I've broken a million different unhealthy cycles. But most importantly they are happy and when they are not we work together to fix that. No matter what.
Im not ashamed to sing loudly and make animal sounds and weird actions just to try make my kid laugh ... in public
If you damage my children I will punch you in the face. Either literally or figuratively.
ETA - I didn't read any of the posts I just answered the question in the title. Sorry.
I'm screwing them up the perfect amount; so that they are functional but interesting lol.
But really, I'm great because I don't expect perfection from them or from me. We screw up, we acknowledge it, we move forward. We make mess, we learn and laugh and play together and separately. I'm creative and willing to try anything, I climb the equipment and squeeze onto the slides and get my hands as dirty as they do. I have fun and enjoy it and that probably radiates out to them or something. I'm patient and I function well on little sleep. I'm willing to go against the mold if it feels right for our family.
Being a parent is the best.
Love this! And I like the rest of what you wrote. Sounds like fun. Can you be my mum for a day? Lol!:
I don't yell at my kids. I think I have twice in DD1's life. I have the ability to stay pretty cool through meltdowns, tantrums, challenging behaviour, little to no sleep. I'm a pretty chilled person :) I think the thing I'm most proud of is defying people's preconceptions of what sort of parent I might be. Initially you see a young chick with a nose ring and a tattoo on her collarbone, wearing a beanie and crazy leggings, but then they see me respecting my toddler as an individual and a human being, teaching her beautiful manners, teaching her empathy through my own actions, interacting and cherishing her. I can tell the people who had already decided in their minds what sort of mother and person I'd be before they had even had time to see me in action, and I love their reactions when they realise that they were too quick to judge. This thread is timely. I spent the day with my mum today, and just earlier got a phone call from her, where she told me that she thought I was a wonderful mother, and that she was proud of me and I was doing a good job. This means so much to me. My mother hit me as a child and teenager. She told me tonight that she was proud that I wasn't like her, that I've broken the cycle of violence that she was stuck in. That is probably my greatest achievement.
I smile lots....if you knew my DS he'd make you smile too.
Sometimes I smile through tears as I mother my angel
I play lots....if you had my DS to play with you would too.
Sometimes the play includes a little angel
I work hard ........I hate wasting time.
I listen to DS and try things his way now and then. (which can include bad singing while supermarket shopping)
I stop and remember my angel too as being an angel parent is important
I check DS has eaten some fruit and veges now and then.
Mostly I kiss and cuddle and hand out love so his love cup overflows and he hands out love to others all the time.
I built DS1 a cubby house and covered it in holographic contact paper. It even has a 'fridge' and a plastic slide. I did this (with daddy's help) despite having a 9 week old demanding much of my time.
I sacrificed the biggest bedroom in the house to create a play room. There's a ball pit permanently set up. A freaking ball pit. It goes great with the cubby. I put up with little coloured balls floating around the house randomly because he loves them.
even though I've had an awful first experience with birth, and a boy who has never slept reasonably in his whole 2.5years.... I was brave enough to face it all again.
I was brave enough to attempt a VBAC and fight anyone who tried to stand in my way.
I was brave enough to accept another emergency c/s despite my terror inside.
I have no family support whatsoever. But I'm strong enough to raise my boys without relying on anyone but DP and myself.
The last few days have been horribly hard. Both kids have colds and I'm developing one now too. But I carry on. It's just a cold. not like I had my abdomen sliced open or anything lol. That's my new gauge for agony. I think on that scale. .... I'm doing fine!
:)
I have tears in my eyes reading everyone's posts.
Keep them coming awesome mumma's!
I am a good mummy because I know my kids are not perfect little angels but they have been taught manners and respect. I encourage them to try anything, and I am always there to cheer with them when they succeed or cry with them when they fail. I know a grazed knee hurts and console them when they fall not just tell them to rub it and move on.
I tell my children that I love them every single day because that is something I never had as a child and to this day wish that I had. My heart bursts with pride when I have other mums and school teachers telling me how truly wonderful and caring my children are.
My kids go to bed with a smile on their faces (unless they're having a tantrum), they wake up happy. They know that their parents are their safe place, they know they can come to us for anything and everything.
They know they can get a hug or kiss any time, day or night.
We laugh, we play, we fight, we cry. All together. They will come to know how big the world is, but they will also know that they can find love, friendship, safety and acceptance with their parents.
My baby has never been left to cry. I am a great Mumma because I'm a responsive Mumma and he's such a happy, peaceful baby :)