Talking to a 4 yo about Death, Visiting Relatives Grave - Advice

DH's Dad passed away when he was only 13, He's been gone for almost 29 years so I never met him and obviously neither have our kids.

DH went to visit his grave today, and DH and I got talking about how to talk to DS (4.5) about these things. DH worries that DS is too young, he doesn't know about death yet. I think at his age its appropriate to just explain it matter of factly, kids seem to just accept things and explanations, and if he's curious he's the type of kid that will ask for more info. I reckon we should just tell DS about his departed Grandad, tell him about the after life and he can visit the grave if he wants. I don't think we need to make a big deal out of it, just explain it as it is. We aren't really religious, we hope that God exists and that there is an afterlife and as DS starts school at a Christian School next Feb he's soon enough going to learn it all anyway.

I feel telling him about Daddy's Dad and how he is in heaven looking after us all is a simple way to explain it, and then answer what questions DS then asks.

Just wondering what others think? If you've had a convo like this with a similar aged child - how did it go? What type of things did you say, what did they ask etc?

TIA

We brought up death a lot earlier, so don't really know how DS would have coped first dealing with it at 4.5 - but I agree with you, take their lead. Explain that a grave is for remembering people who you love who are no longer here, and see how it goes. Only explain afterlife stuff if you feel confident you know what you believe, as children can ask some pretty clever questions.

Personally, I feel very uncomfortable with the whole "dead people watching you from heaven all the time" concept of death. Really creepy. Dead people are NOT still with me either. I'm getting freaked out just thinking about that! But to others, it brings comfort and many who say things like that do find comfort in it.

Good Point FB - I dont want him to be fearful in any way, so perhaps the remember people we love explanation is a better way to go

I always think my Nan is watching over me, not in a creepy dead stalker type of way, more a making sure I'm ok kinda way hehehehehe

When my mil passed away we made the mistake of not really talking to dd1 about where nanna was all we said was that she had passed away and was no longer here and watched us from the sky, (we don't believe in heaven but dd liked to think she was flying to the moon) we didnt take her to the funeral or visit the grave as we thought at 4 that she was too young instead it caused fear and anxiety as she worried about it all. It was about 18 mths later that I finally realized why she was upset snd anxious she was scared something would happen to us. So we explained where nanna was buried and visited the grave. She took a drawing and was happy to see where nanna was. The anxiety definitely improved. I think with your ds be honest and answer any questions he has and talk about the grave and ask if he wants to go,

both my parents are deceased and we visit their grave often. my dad passed two weeks before i gave birth to DD1 so I've taken both my girls since they were babies (they're now 4.5 &2.5yrs). once they hit around 2yrs and started asking questions i explained that Granny and Poppy were both very ill and had to go live with the angels and so far that's enough for them. DD1 has recently decided that when there are rainbows in the sky, it's Granny and Poppy's way of saying hello. i have photos of both my parents up in my house and both DD1 and DD2 say good morning to them everyday and blow kisses to their photos.

I started talking about death when they asked questions so about 3 years old. They wanted to know about their daddy's mum who had died of cancer more than 25 years ago. I kept it age appropriate (I think) and they do understand that we all die sometime but we try to be as healthy as we can so it is not for a long time.

My eldest really struggled with it last year and we had to rehash it again to give him some answers. He was able to understand more and that helped.

We started really talking to dd about death this time last year as we were going to dh's parents grave on Father's Day. She had previously been exposed about 9 months previously when we attended my uncles funeral, but she didn't ask questions until last sept. we told her that daddy's parents (and grandparents/brother all buried very closely together) had gotten sick and had passed away. We couldn't see them anymore like we could see each other but we could go and visit them at the cemetery or we could talk to them any time and hopefully they'd hear us. She asked more about the people and who they were and what they were like. And left it at that. There has been minimal talk about it except when she has seen ads for things like the guy dying on Offspring, until yesterday. I was rather upset as a lovely old man I've known most of my life passed away. She cuddles me and said it was ok, he was sick and wouldn't feel sick anymore, and people would remember him. Then she gave me a big cuddle, made sure I was ok, and went outside to ride her bike :)

I think, as long as you keep it age appropriate, and don't make it too big for them to grasp, they are definitely not too young


And I do agree with the comment about being careful when saying things about being watches I've or discussing heaven. You have to have a clear idea of what you believe and how you are going to explain it. When dh lost his brother, their great niece was only 3 and a bit. Her parents kept telling her that w had gone to heaven, but didnt explain the difference between body and essence (or however they wanted to believe it to be), so when she was taken to the viewing she got very confused about heaven and why he was still at the funeral home. There was some serious confusion with that. So yeah, be really clear where you want an explanation to go cos kids are curious and if things don't add up, it messes with them!

Here's a fabulous book that's perfect for a 4 year old. It's one I've used a few times in a Kindergarten to open up conversations about death.

Beginnings and Endings with Lifetimes in Between
By Bryan Mellonie, Robert Ingpen

We've talked about death with DDs 1 and 2. While we're not religious, they go to a Christian school and so we do what we agreed and support the school's teaching which includes God in heaven obviously. While I don't personally believe it, I think its comforting for children (at least it seems to be for my kids) to know that there is a beautiful place where everybody goes where they die, and where everyone who has died before that loves you is waiting for you. We recently lost a cat and my parents a dog, so the kids think that the cat and dog are now together playing in heaven with my grandmother.

We don't say people in heaven are watching over us because I agree with TFB - that is an unsettling notion for me and I don't like giving my children the impression that they are always watched.

As for the actual grave, I have explained to my kids that when you die your body stays behind, like an empty snail shell they collect out of the garden. The bits that make you "you" go up to heaven.

My step-dad, who was ill with pancreatic cancer for 18 months, passed away in April, my DS (almost 4) had become very close to Poppa and saw him get very sick so I didn't need to explain that part but explaining he passed away while I was grieving was hard, but he saw that it was ok at the same time. My grandfather passed when I was around his age and I was not allowed at the funeral "because its not appropriate for children" and I have struggled with that my entire life, so I took my son too (it was closed casket). If he felt uncomfortable at all I would have walked out, but I think it's important for children to see how people grieve and the different stages and that its all ok. We told him poppa had died and we couldn't see him any more (no sugar coating) and that he could choose a star in the sky for him and he could talk to him any time he wants to (that part is more a family tradition). He has accepted it and still talks about his poppa and says he's a star flying in the sky near the moon and that he loves him lots. He talks about happy and sad times, so I think in his own way he's understood grieving can be sad but happy at the same time.
That's what we did and it worked for us, but that's not to say it will for others.

How is your ds MN any more questions? Dd2 is home sick today and has been talking a lot today about her nanna not something she normally does. She is asking about what is happening which is emotional for me but I have been honest and then we talked about how we remember her by talking about they fun they had and that memories are good. It can be hard for them to grasp people talking about heaven then going to a grave.

Oh MN! You made me giggle. I'm glad your Nan is not stalking you!
We took our then 4 and 2.5yos to their step grans funeral. We talked about it a lot. TBH it was over the 2.5 yos head, but it does mean he vaguely remembers it and there has never been a time when he didn't know about death. But even before then DS1 had talked about death because of wildlife we see out and about and he used to want everything explained in great detail.
At kinder the kids were doing 'words starting with' and when we got to 'd' loads of the kids said dead, death etc. one of the mums freaked out, but I think they know more than we think.

There is definitely no 'one size fits all' answer to death and grieving for children.

I ama big one for telling the honest truth to my children regarding death and dying. Obviously, that's difficult if you are not clear about your own beliefs. I have a cautionary tale for you...

About 8 months ago, our pet rabbit died. We found him in his hutch, already dead. Wanting to be honest and truthful, I called my older kids outside and Miss 2 followed them. I explained to the kids that the bunny had died and we didn't know why, but that it had obviously been very fast as I had fed him an hour earlier and he seemed fine. I suggested that perhaps there had been something wrong with his heart as he had no visible injuries to explain his death. I held the rabbit and the children patted him and said their goodbyes. Everyone was sad, but we were all coping well. DH and the children dug a deep hole in a nice spot and we wrapped the bunny in an old T shirt and put him in the hole. This is where the trouble began! Miss 2 LOST IT. 'No daddy, no! No put bunny down the hole!!' she screamed as she tried to climb in after him. I held her and explained that the bunny was dead and that it was only his body going down the hole as he didn't need it any more. I desperately waffled about bunny heaven - despite not being religious - and the fields of fresh green grass and all the carrots he could eat. The big kids backed me up - DH, being the bunny bury-er, wasn't allowed anywhere near her. It was an ugly scene. So here we are, 8 months or so down the track, and I still hear about the bunny going 'down the hole' every day. Every day. Sometimes there are tears. Sometimes she accuses daddy of burying the bunny as though the bunny were still alive. If someone is sick, she asks if daddy is going to dig a hole and put them 'down the hole'.

'Grandma is not coming today, she has a cold and she doesn't feel well'.
'Oh... Grandma sick?'
'Yes, she is sick'
'Oh... daddy will put grandma down the hole?'

Clearly, in trying to do what I thought was best, I have scarred my child for life.

The moral of the story is, keep it simple and only offer the information that your child asks for. I think perhaps I offered too much information for what Miss 2 could grasp. I didn't think she would take very much of it in, and I addressed my two older kids (8 and 10) without considering what Miss 2 would make of it all. I figured that if the big two were ok, she would be too. I was wrong. Your DS is a little older then my DD and will hopefully grasp the concept of death more fully than Miss 2 does. Whatever you do, don't talk about anyone going down the hole!!

I have always tried to be honest with my kids about death....I remember my Dad answering my DD's question about how Nanny got to heaven in a off the cuff way, 'on an escalator' after that she was terrified every time we went to the shopping centre and even now doesn't really feel comfortable on them. My DD8, was almost 1 when my Dad passed away, so she never really knew him but she knows all about him and has seen his ghost a few times, and it hasn't freaked her out! She still asks questions occasionally, but these days she makes up her own mind about things. Lightning is my Dad taking photos of her, because he misses her and cant believe how fast she is growing...all her own thoughts!
She is the one that insists on visiting the cemetery on special days, she says that its a sign of respect and shows them how much you love them!
I think kids need small amounts of information and they will process it in their own time and come back and ask questions later, usually when you are least prepared for it, but be honest and don't gloss over things!
DD8 went to her first full on funeral this year, and was amazed at how many people were upset, she was just so matter of fact about everything, how this man was so much happier and that he was not sick anymore and he was with his best friend and very happy! It was just crazy, but sweet at the same time, she even explained it to the widow as well, thankfully we know her very well and she just adored what DD said and it gave her a lot of comfort.