Living in an IVF holding pattern

Hi,
I haven't been on the forums much but have read posts from others over the last 13 months of doing IVF. I live in a remote area with no-one else nearby doing IVF, so it is reassuring to hear from other people, and I appreciate it. I'm also single, so it can get overwhelming sometimes.

Although I have only been on IVF for a short time by lots of the accounts on here, I am starting to wonder how long I can live like this. It's sending me a bit crazy. I'm 34, with very low ovarian reserve and blocked fallopian tubes, doing IVF with donor sperm, and I have had 3 (high dosage) ICSI rounds which failed - though the last one was a chemical pregnancy so it kind of felt like progress after 2 negatives and a cancelled FET. I started IVf because I knew I really wanted kids and I took the AMH test at 32, to find out if there might be any future problems, assuming there wouldn't be. It was a shock to hear after the test, 'If you want to have kids EVER you need to start now, and even now may be too late'. Not enough time to hang around and look for a partner, so I just got on with it. Anyway I have embarked on IVF as a single, and throwing everything at it, and kind of desperately committed and motivated.

But it's been a tough year and the toughest is turning out to be how to forward plan, especially when the negative thoughts start to kick in. It's like you have to freeze your life because changing one thing might affect your capacity to drop everything every 8 weeks, take time off work and spend all your savings on another IVF round. Each round of IVF I feel like I've not only bought a lottery ticket (similar odds) but that, instead of paying $2 for it, I'm spending thousands on the ticket, still with as low a chance of success! I feel like a crazy woman. Also, because I live remote I need to fly to Melbourne and take 10 days off work each round, so it's tricky in lots of ways. I like where I live, and have a good job and support, but I could move if I had to. It's just a worry that I would uproot myself at a time I need to be relaxed...

Anyway, what do other people think about forward planning with IVF? Does having your life on hold drive everyone nuts? I'd consider changing jobs, move to the city, I'd like to buy a house, I'd like to meet more people or start a relationship, I'd like to do lots of things but anything that involves potentially taking a pay-cut (I'm paid well because of working remote), or even being unemployed for a few months just feels not possible while I'm doing IVF. But then who knows how long I'll be on IVF for?? Do I stay in a holding pattern for 2,3,4,5 years, because having a family is the most important thing in my life? But what IVF doesn't work after all that? What do I have to show for the last few years, and what will I be left with if I don't keep my career/ relationships healthy? I wish I knew - like when you study - 'This is hard now, but in 2 years it'll be done and you'll have a certificate! [or equivalent]'

I imagine waking up in 5 years in the same freeze framed life, still trying for a baby and saying 'Where the hell did my life go?'
I know I should be being positive and assuming I'll have a child in 5 years time, but gee it's hard to keep telling yourself that. Well I find it hard anyway, lately.

Thanks for any comments, it's good to hear other people's thoughts.

I think everyone feels the same way when doing IVF, I know I did and we were only on our IVF journey for under a year. For me after several years trying naturally I was willing to put my life on hold for a long as it took. But I can tell you that after the second failed attempt I was feeling deflated and like it would never happen. The last round we did I was already planing what we would do next cycle only to find out it had worked. I think in the end my want for a baby took over any feelings of having to put my life on hold and planing what to do each cycle helped me get by. I wouldn't be in a hurry to leave where you have a good support network because once you do get that bub you will need them as it's a pretty tough gig the first 4 months. Just try and remember they say that if you get 2 or 10 embryos there is usually only one or two successful pregnancies per batch. Bert of luck.

Can completely relate ... However cannot imagine how hard it must be doing it on your own.. Or having to do Fly in , Fly out treatment. Although I do understand the difficulties and challenges of arranging work schedules around cycles is (I travel extensively and find it very difficult to explain to customers why I will be home bound for four weeks)
DH and I have been TTC for over 4 years with the last three doing the various IUI and IVF rounds. It definitely does feel like everything else gets put 'on hold'. Like being held in a holding pattern in an aeroplane waiting to land, just not knowing if you will land safely and 'arrive' at our desired location or if we are going to crash and burn (so to speak). This whole time has taken a drain on our emotions , our relationships (with each other and those around us), our finances have taken a hit, time and time again. (Three house deposits and counting ). Like you we pin our hopes on the next step and them suffer deep regret when it doesn't work, mostly I think because after all the money and time we have spent and we still have nothing to show for it... To those that don't know our journey intimately it looks like we are 'wasting our lives and money'...
Earlier this year we took a break and went on a 6 week trip OS, again nay-Sayers , suggested we 'settle down' and buy a house etc .... If only they knew that a house would seem empty and hollow if we couldn't have the children to fill it... That trip was like a life line for our spiritual well being and the health of our relationship... We were able to come back with a renewed focus and enthusiasm for another attempt.. So what I guess I'm saying is I think we all have moments of fear and grief in this whole process, that's completely normal. I think it is vital to make sure you take time for you and maybe you do need to take a break (even just one cycle) ... Big hugs to you

Thanks for the replies Mrs Mac and Blinky. I haven't replied for a while because my mood got lower and I felt more overwhelmed since I wrote my post, and I've been trying to bounce back. I'm feeling a bit better now and appreciate the replies.

Mrs Mac I'm glad your IVF was successful, I always like to hear success stories! I do see how my desire for a baby SHOULD override feelings of having to put my life on hold, and mostly it does. But sometimes....I guess it would be different if I already had a partner, because I definitely feel like IVF and meeting my life partner aren't really going to be happening at the same time. For now, I have to put meeting a life partner on hold, because I want a family - ironic eh...

Blinky - I'm glad you can identify with being in a holding pattern. Yes, even though the money isn't meant to be a big deal (desire for a child should be everything etc), it's just So Expensive for such a very long time. You have to be financially vulnerable at the same time as being emotionally, physically and socially vulnerable (friends with babies etc). It's just so unsettling, in a chronic way. But great idea about the trip! I'm definitely considering a decent length break - somewhere with a totally different climate and people and environment, possibly a big walking trip, just to feel like I can rely on my body again. I almost don't have faith in it these days - like because it can't grow a baby it can't do ANYTHING I need from it. It's an unhelpful and hopeless way to look at it, but those negative thoughts keep coming up lately. I do worry that a trip might lose me a vital month when maybe it would have worked, but I don't know - mental health is definitely equally if not more important than physical in IVF, at least from my experience.

Apologies again for replying late, I hope everyone is well :)