Am I doing the right thing?

My mum is sick - DD and her are VERY close. We have been making sure DD sees mum in the hospital every day. Over the past week she watched mum go from covered in tubes and wires in Critical Care, to being on the normal ward, and then going home, and being quite ok. less than 12 hours after she went home she went back into emergency with a secondary infection (we think) and is now, again, quite unwell. We took DD to see her last night, and DD coped fine (she has coped fine all along) - today however, she is acting out.

it could be tiredness (we've had a full on week, obviously), it could be age related. and it could be from seeing mum unwell

DD has been through a lot in her little life. she has been witness to me losing consciousness due to low BP many times, had to get DH for me when i was bleeding uncontrollably due to miscarriage (and then had boob and fell asleep snuggled to me while they cared for me in emergency). she's had hernia surgery, she's been in emergency for tonsilitis and severe dehydration herself, she's been there after DH had surgeries for skin cancer and open wound management. None of this we could really protect her from (logistically speaking) as we don't always have a carer available if we have to go to emergency. As a result, DD seems to be pretty relaxed and doesn't fret about medical stuff

but she is acting out. she is teary. she is screaming at us and speaking back a lot more than seems normal for her at this point.

am i doing the right thing by taking DD? it feels like the right thing to do - to not hide it - to let her see that granma isn't well, but is being looked after. and it feels right to take her for mum's sake.

i always make an effort to try and get her to talk about why she is yelling and stuff - and i'm even more conscious of it at the moment. she said at one point that she was worried about granma, and then started talking about other stuff and asked me to tickle her.

should i be asking her to talk about granma/hospital, or just letting her lead.

clearly i'm a mess myself with all that is going on - and i don't want her to see how much this is impacting me - but i also can't pretend it's not. and i don't want her to think her feelings are wrong because mummy and daddy don't seem to share them kwim?

Firstly massive hugs BG. You've been through a lot this year!

Secondly your dd is 4.5 right? My dd sudden became so emotional at 4.5 and I thought it was because I had severe ms and couldn't really play, but then chatting to my mothers group it seems a normal phase.

Dd suddenly started crying over random things: her brothers balloon popped and she cried for him (even though he was fine). She would scream about getting her own way when before we could always talk things through. She started running off and slamming doors when upset. You get the picture.

Anyway fast forward to now and she is almost five and she is back to being delightful, easy going and able to control her emotions again.

I definitely think my pg exacerbated issues, and I am sure your mums condition has impacted your dd, but I wanted to reassure you it is a normal phase at this age too.

BG, what a time your having.
Our DD's are the same age. Miss A is going through the same things you mentioned Miss E is. I think it is a stage. I am just trying very hard to remain calm and continue things as normal.

I know that is hard for you to do as things are not normal at the moment. I think it would be harder for Miss E to stop seeing your mum. I agree with Arcadia that it will definately be impacting her but to know that her nan is sick and she can no longer see her might confuse her.

Thanks for the replies ladies - it's reassuring to know that the acting out thing is somewhat age related. I am trying so hard to balance everything. i remember being little and being so scared when my grandparents were sick because i just didn't know what was going on - mum would run off to the hospital and then talk in hush tones to dad, and it scared the bejeepers out of me. so i'm trying hard to make sure DD doesn't have that stigma about it

Mum is looking far worse this week than last - even though last week she was in critical care. DD seems to be fine while she is there, and she dotes on my mum and takes care of her - it's just that the acting out (which has really just started to get bad today) had me worried that maybe seeing mum is a bad thing.

My grandmother was sick with cancer all through my childhood. Our parents were always honest with us, but we very rarely actually saw her at her sickest. I think that's more because the relationship between my father & his parents was never a great one.

When she was in her final days, dad's brother took his 8yo DS in to see Grandma. Honestly, by that point the family wasn't impressed. Dad also advised me not to see her even though I was 19. She had no idea who anyone was & they didn't want us remembering her like that. I appreciate that.

But as she was battling cancer on & off for 17 years, there's no way to avoid us seeing her sick. It was our lives. That's all we knew of her. Sometimes she had hair, sometimes she wore a wig, sometimes a beanie with nothing under it. I don't think there was any acting out for us, because 1, we weren't that close... not as close as my kids are to my parents & 2, that was life for us. That's how we knew her.

Its possible that the acting out is her being worried about what's going on. All you can do is let her know that its ok to be worried & scared. But I certainly wouldn't stop your DD spending time with her. Especially if you're not sure just how much more time she'll get with her.

I don't have much experience with this but would seeing if there are some books you could borrow from a library to read to Miss E that might help her talk about things with help?

Wow, what a lot in such a short time. A big hug to you first off. My experience is a little different but thought I would let u know anyway. Our dd2 was stillborn at term last year and then I had a mc in feb this year. My dd1 was 2.5'at the time her sister died but she has always been a very emotionally aware child. I am preg with our third now and if I keep anything from her Or I don't take her to app she gets extremely emotional and scared that something is wrong with me or the baby. She recently had a big break down when I went and had a blood test done and she was playing at her nanas. I didn't really think about it but as I left I said to her that I would be back as soon as I was done with the tests and apparently after I left she was in tears to my mil that we were sick and dying. Later that arvo she was acting up just like you said you dd was, screaming and crying etc. I had to sit her down and explain that the tests were just to check we were all ok etc. I guess I am getting at, given that your dd has been exposed to so much that being honest and talking things through with her would probably help her as would her seeing your mum. I think if it feels right then it probably is - I believe in just keeping the lines of communication open for her and prompt her to talk about her feelings if she wants to. They may be young but they certainly are far more aware than we realise! Your doing great job in a tough situation! Xoxo

Thanks for your experiences and advice

Mum was discharged this morning - we took dd to visit her every single day (usually twice a day) - for a while I was scared mum wasn't coming home. And then I knew they both needed the contact to boost them.

DD loved having granma home today. She was thrilled to be there doing normal stuff. Seeing both her grandparents together. We have been very honest with dd (more honest than we have been with mums intellectually disabled sister) and she has coped wonderfully well. We have talked through the breakdowns. Explained things mum has mentioned at an age appropriate level (ct, MRI, blood tests etc). DD has asked questions so I believe we are doing the right thing


I'm glad mum is home and things for all of is can return to a semblance of normal and we can get dd back on track emotionally. Hopefully this is the last drama for quite a while!