Trying to find out what happens hormonally at ovulation - contributing to my happiness and wellbeing

Trying to find out what happens at ovulation. For 1 1/2 years now every single cycle l have extreme 'pms' type stuff -- trouble thinking, dififculty with thoughts, very very depressed feeling very very easy to Anger and go into Rage!! (I hate that one!), morbid thinking processes and no desire to go anywhere, do anything or be around people (too much potential for hurt with such sensitivity) ... then right around ovulation AHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... a change. huge, notable and at the same time very normal. Right around ovulation I just simply feel normal again! ("simply"... extraordinarily)... I have confidence, feel competent again, find myself starting to make plans, I feel "all fixed", like I'm just me again, back to normal and able to handle things. I get upset, but it does NOT destroy me, I feel myself bounce back within. I feel fine, normal and good. I WANT to get out of bed.. I WANT to go outside. I find myself throwing off the heavy cloak that hangs over me with such vigor that I think: Wow!! Why was I living like that? Enough of this -- I want to go outside, make phone calls, do things, go walking... it's great. I feel myself planning fo the future, wanting to do things... and then, right around day 16-18 of cycle the massive crash occurs. feels like a dump of hormones somehow, because the change is so intense and abrupt. I have cognitive difficulties, find it very very very hard and laborious to think, lose nearly all interest, want to curl up, protect myself, stay inside. If I do happen to interact with others then the little things they say can set me off into intense blues or anger and such upset that I just try to avoid it and wait for the next ovulation. I lose feelings of competence, the bouyancy I had within that helps me handle stress disappears. there's an abyss and my thoughts turn extremely morbid. To deal with it and mitigate the symptoms, I stay away from people and also rarely allow myself to think during those weeks - because the thought process is SOO muddled and the outcomes are morbid, low and down. I wait for ovulation --- then I try quickly during the few days, the window of opportunity I get each month to function to think things over, try to make decisions, get my phone calls, etc done, go outside, do some exercise, clean up -- I'm in ovulation phase now, that is why I am able to write this out, to think clearly, to feel strong inside, to feel capable, able ... fine and ....

I think if I could feel the way I do at ovulation every single day of the month --- oh it would be glorious, a miracle!!! I would really have a shot at life, at living!!

As it is now, all the plans I make at ovulation and the things I want to do and no matter how hard I try with positive thinking to bring this bouyancy with me beyond day 16 or 17 or whenever it hits.... I have never yet been able to do it.

Sometimes the worst symptoms don't hit at the time of 'pms' .. sometimes I find that just by staying quiet and keeping a low profile, I am able to get through those days ok. Sometimes I even get a little reprieve right before the start of my period when I have what I call a 'mini ovulation' phase, because I may have a moderate, medium level desire to call people to go outside, do things (I relish it!) ... During the cycles when that is the case then I typically have the extremely bad days right at the beginning of the next cycle. I never skip them somehow. During the worst days I stay in bed, have total lethargy become unable to move, think clearly and care about things and the thoughts are morbidly depressive...

Those worst days can happen either around days 18 or so or sometimes they come at the beginning of the next cycle like around day 4 or so.

The one thing that is constant for every single cycle for 1 1/2 years now is that at ovualtion: === HALLELUJAH!!!!!!! I can LLLIIIIIIVVVVEE again.

And I don't mean that I become manic or exhalted or anything like that.

I mean I wake up and smile and WANT WANT to get out of bed (often after days of not being wanting to move). My entire internal being changes to feeling normal again and truly the most amazing feelings I experience during that time is a sense of "competence"... as in: I can get out of bed and I'll be ok, I can walk across the room and be ok, I can wash something and be ok, I can even make a phone call.

I have been doing research to try to determine what exactly this is... because it does not seem to fit the traditional PMS or PMDD configuration.

My period does not guarantee a cessation of the symptoms, for me only ovulation does!

Also, the 'good' competent days I have are not 2 weeks of pmdd, but rather the few days surrounding ovulation.

I have been going through a very stressful time, suffering from a few trauma, and intense personal stress--- I believe maybe this contributed to hormones out of wack (weird sleep patterns, trouble being ambulatory, etc) ---

but now the hormone imbalance is preventing me from getting better.

it is not possible to make any appointments or make any improvements when I can only really live or even have a shot at it for the days around ovulation.

So I am trying to determine what it is that happens exactly at ovulation.

Why I feel such a direct and deliberate shift (I can sometimes actually feel the moment when the chemical shift or whatever it is takes place, at the start of ovulation it can actually feel like a lifting of the heavy heavy veil. This past cycle, for example the 3 days before ovulation I was so extremely low and morbid and lethargic and having trouble with everything. Then in a moment, around 7pm something lifted, I felt my entire thought process shift, I was able to think some very good, better thoughts. I felt hope again. I felt so much better. I kind of smiled, turned over, lifted the covers, got up out of bed and thought: hmmm, I think I'll make some food. So direct was the shift.

now I have been thouroughly enjoying as much as I can my few days here of reprieve, getting things done I know I can only do during these days, before the 'jailer', my sentence comes back and I cloud over again and eventually lose this normal, happy, content feeling.

I have also distinclty felt the "dump" -- it acutlaly almost feels like a dumping of chemicals or something into my bloodstream (if that is what happens). Once I remember it didn't happen as early as usual and I got a couple extra days of normal. Then, sitting watching tv and trying desperately with positive thinking and a good attitutde to hang on to my life as I know and like it -- dump, down down down it went. I could actually feel a shift happeneing and there it was.... then I just had to wait again for the next ovualtion.

So now I live for ovualtion basically,

And I am SOOO glad for it.

But it is also sad, because I only have a chance to function normally inside (with a feeling of resilance, bouyancey, competence and desire) for a few days a month, the rest of the weeks become sort of a blur and I survive and get through them and count down the days to my next ovulation. I look ahead each month to see when I'll have my good three days and plan to do things then.

I have not been able to find any information on this perhaps rather unusual (?) hormone configuration.

And I feel frightened to tamper in any way with my ovulation, because I CANNOT lose those days! So I feel weary of hormone regulation, etc.

Furthermore, I want to discover exaclty what this is - and look to balance and hopefully 'cure' it! This means that I am *not* interested in any SSRIs or other brain drugs.

I tried them and they made me worse !
Any advice would be appreciated x

Sorry this was such a long reply but anyone have any thoughts ?

Hmm not sure but...
When I did my ivf cycle just a few days before trigger/ov I fell into a funk. I actually wrote about how flat feral and black I felt. I had a BT that should my estrogen had dropped dramatically and I had an injection to boost that and bingo in less than 12 hours I was back to normal.
Not sure if this is helpful but just throwing something out??? I wonder if you find out more about you E levels???
Wish I could be more helpful