Techniques for nearly-four-year-old tantrums

Hi all,
Been a long time since I’ve been in here – good to see some familiar faces still around!

I’m hoping to get some coping advice and strategies for my nearly four year old son, who pretty much has at least one tantrum (lasting 20 mins to over an hour) every day. From my perspective he is too old to have this many tantrums? He is an excellent communicator (speaks perfectly well and is early reading and writing).

The tantrums begin when he is asked to do something in our normal daily routine. I give him plenty of notice (eg. time for last play now, it’s time to brush your teeth soon, watch him until he’s finished off playing with whatever it was and then remind him to brush his teeth now). I’m always very calm, put my hand out to help him along, etc. Sometimes I have the time to be patient, but when it’s something like getting my daughter from school, we need to be there by a certain time and I can’t wait for an hour long tantrum. It then disintegrates into a screaming, yelling match – in fact, I think he wants it this way – some kind of satisfaction in this for him? He is also very physical and has hurt me on a number of occasions, including biting me on the forearm through a jacket and top and leaving pretty decent bruising.

This has been going on for some months. We had success with a reward chart, which I had hoped would get him out of the habit of the tantrums. The reward chart lasted over 6 weeks and he barely had a tantrum in that time. So, this shows me that he can control them when he wants to. But I can’t go on having reward charts all the time, and I’d like him to take some responsibility to stop himself from behaving this way. He also said when the reward chart was in place that if he didn’t have it he’d be able to have tantrums again. This and some other comments suggest to me that he gets some satisfaction from it all. He also mentions that he can’t stop, when he’s in the middle of it. I have tried teaching him ways to think things through, to take deep breaths when we get mad, count to ten and make a decision, etc. This works during calm times, but once he is distressed, there is no getting through to him to use these techniques.

As with most tantrums, a lot of the time it’s irrational (eg screaming at the school gates because he wanted to be at home and not collect his sister, when if he wasn’t having a tantrum, we’d be back home by now and not at the school).

This is really impacting on our family life, and I feel particularly guilty that I’m not able to fix it for my daughter, who is missing out because so much of our focus is on getting through another tantrum. Anything that has worked for others? Any long term strategies that can assist him (and me!) would be awesome!

I'm just thinking about what sort of things my DS (just turned 4) responds to...

- During the tantrum are you getting into a screaming match with him, or do you ignore it?

From the outside and with the limited info you've given, it sounds to me like he wants the attention.
While you were using the rewards chart he was getting positive attention and positive reinforcement - clearly that's what he needs and respond to.

My DS is really excited when we give him responsibilities and he gets to feel like a 'big boy'.
Since having DS2 9 months ago, we have created a shelf in the pantry for him so he can get his own snacks (he stills asks when he can have one), he is then free to choose anything from the shelf. As of this week, I have bought a small cereal container and put rice bubbles in there so he can self serve breakfast. BUT the condition was, he has to wake up and brush his teeth and get dressed and then he can make his breakfast ALL BY HIMSELF! He thinks this is the greatest thing ever, and he is finally getting in super speedy mode - it used to take 20 minutes of arguing and fluffing around.

Anyway, my point is, giving him responsibilities and trusting him to do some things, gives him sooo much confidence and has really improved his behaviour. Sure, he spilt some milk this morning, but so what - he actually tried to clean it up by himself saying he could do it.

I am by no means a 'perfect' parent, nor am I always (read rarely) patient... And I yell as much as the next person, but my son is also a really good communicator, so I find that if I talk to him and try to treat him like an equal and not just a 'child', then he responds heaps better.
We negotiate and talk things through with him and he seems to appreciate that.

May or may not help... But I just think you probably need to try something new to break the tantrum routine/cycle.

I have some gentle ideas for you. I'll come back and post when my brain is a bit more alert.

Im usually able to de-rail my 4yo when she starts to get worked up. I validate how she is feeling, and ask her how we can fix it. sometimes I can get away with saying "We will go to the park on the weekend" and putting it off for a few days (but then I DO take her to the park of course)

i recently did a positive parenting course, and before working on the 'issues', we spent time trying to build up the child's emotional piggy bank (recognising the good things they do, and praising them as often as possible). this created more positive behaviour, and also helped us to see the good things she was doing.

check out your local community centre or health nurse, and ask if there is anything in the local area. mine was done via telephone call once a week and has made a big difference to our house.