boys and keeping their private parts private

Hi,

My son (5) told me that he and his best friend (6) play with each others penises. Going so far as his best friend likes to put his head on my son's naked penis...
It seems to be always initiated by the friend and apparently he really likes to see my son's penis.

I don't think this is appropriate for them. I've told my son that his penis is private and it's not appropriate for other people to ask to see it or play with it. He seems to get this and doesn't get it out all the time like he used to when he was little and tries to avoid other people seeing it when getting changed. But things are different with his friend and the play seems to be escalating.

I don't know what to do. I'm concerned if I say he's not allowed to do this, then maybe they'll do it anyway but he won't tell me about it.
I don't want to break off the friendship, they are fantastic for each other (except in this respect) and we live next door.
I guess I should talk to the friend's parents about it and see if they know and if it has been an issue before.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to put a stop to this? Or at least reign it in?

As awful as it is to say, there are some warning flags flying here. I would seek professional advice from child protection services or the equivalent.

I would not be letting the boys play unsupervised from now on. That way you can monitor it.

Hmm I was worried about that too, but didn't really want to admit it.
I think I'll still talk with his parents first.
And I guess at least we can supervise them at all times now to prevent it happening anymore. [Yes exactly BlackCat]

This exact thing happened to us with my DD and the boy next door. They are best buddies and play together a lot and attend kindy together as well. One day on the way home from kindy, DD conversationally tells me that today Kid-next-door put his penis on her bum!! Minor freak out lol. I called kindy who said they had been playing together in the bushes and they promised to keep a better eye on them, then I went next door to talk to the mum who was just as shocked and speechless as I was lol.

Of course that raises warning flags, but we explained to the kids that pants must stay on and supervised for a few weeks and nothing else happened. It seemed to be just a passing curiosity. I would definitely talk to the parents as they may be unaware and a little chat with him about what is appropriate behaviour may solve the problem. Abuse certainly isn't the only thing that can cause a kid to be overly interested in this kind of thing, particularly if internet security is a bit lax or if there are older children in the house that may be a little indiscreet about the subjects they are watching and talking about.

that does sound alarming - does this boy have older siblings who could be exposing him to pr0n? Even accessing anything his parents may have? Kids naturally like to explore their bodies, but his has gone beyond that and has crossed the line. Kids who are exposed to pr0n/sex etc can act out what they see not realising that what they are doing isn't cool. But I completely understand you not wanting to make a big deal out of it because that could make him feel ashamed of himself and he will keep it a secret from you, especially if it feels good to him. Make him feel good for telling you and say how awesome he is that he can talk to you about it. And while you should definitely talk to his parents, also be aware that they may not be receptive to what you're saying - not many parents would like to hear that their child is doing what he's doing and may even insinuate that it's your boy that's the leader. Good luck.

According to safeguarding laws where I am, exposing your child to explict material is abusive. So watching these type of internet videos unsupervised, and especially if supervised by other children, that is a safeguarding issue as much as physical abuse. I know it doesn't seem "as bad", but it is inappropriate and needs to stop. In a loving, gentle way, of course.

And could be natural curiosity. But I wouldn't want to dismiss it as that and discover later there was an issue.

Did you talk to the mother? I was pretty nervous about going over there to say something about it because it is a pretty awkward conversation to have, particularly since her DS was the one that instigated it. She was rather horrified but there was no blame on either side and we just etched out a plan to supervise more rather than free play and we both had a talk with our own kids as well as getting the kindy teacher to pull them aside and explain the pants on/privates are private things.

It is my strong suspicion that the older son next door may have been the root of it all. He is a lovely kid but still a 15 year old boy and I suspect he may have watched something (maybe even just a movie with a sex scene or pop ups that come with torrent sites etc) that wasn't appropriate that little brother may have seen.

There is a children's book called 'Everyone's got a bottom' that I bought for my boys. It talks about your body being your own etc and not for others to touch.

Thanks guys.
Good to hear you had the same experience and it had such a good resolution artechim.
I haven't talked to his parents yet. Things are complicated by the fact that my baby is pretty sick at the moment.
They've been playing here today so I've been keeping an eye on them.
The friend does have an older sister (18) and something he said I think he has seen something inappropriate on the TV. Maybe just a normal sex scene.
Yes it is a bit awkward but I'll talk to his mother next chance I get.
Thanks I really appreciate all the replies. Part of me was wondering if this was just a normal boy curiosity thing and they'd just stop themselves. So it's nice even just to hear my thinking that it's inappropriate confirmed.

Id also be making sure they dont play unsupervised, and focusing on 'privates are private" with my DS.

Hey nyigi,
wow that is an awkward situation. I wouldn't know what I would do. Have you talked to the parents already? What did they say? And did you notice it happening again? I don't think it's an alarm sign for abuse, rather curiosity. But still concerning.