Our miscarriage experience

I thought I would write down a bit about our miscarriage experience, to help me work through it a bit, and maybe to help anyone else who finds themselves in a similar situation. For the sake of background, we had 7 healthy normal pregnancies before we had a loss. My thoughts are still a little scattered, so I may come back and add things and re-work this a bit, but here's my best attempt and sharing our experience.

Our first loss was early this year. We discovered we were pregnant at the beginning of February. DH and I had taken a couple days holiday together - first time in many years! Sadly I got the flu and felt really terrible through most of that time, and DH was stuck with not much to do but sit beside me. :( I lost 5lb in a couple days. I wonder if the high fever had some impact on that pregnancy, but I really don't know. Anyways, it was while we were away that I got a positive pregnancy test. In my past few pregnancies, I was really really sick through the first couple of months, and so when we returned home, I began cleaning and putting meals in the freezer in anticipation of being unable to do anything when the morning sickness began. But it never did. I felt great. I didn't bloat, didn't puke, never napped, and over all, felt completely normal. I was torn between *knowing* that something was wrong, and hoping that this was just one of those "every pregnancy is different" cases. But at 7 1/2 weeks I began to bleed, on a weekend of course, so my doctor was unavailable. The bleeding would start and stop, and I kept getting my hopes up, and then being crushed again, so finally I went in to the hospital to be checked over. After several tests, ultrasounds, and a lot of waiting, they confirmed that this baby wasn't staying. My family doctor saw me, and followed up with bloodwork to make sure that everything was returning to normal, and advised me to wait a month before conceiving again. That miscarriage progressed uneventfully - basically like a period. DH and I were very disappointed, but ready to try again when the doctor recommended.

However, after one slip up, we discovered we were pregnant immediately after that miscarriage. We were a little shocked, but happy and excited. I was pretty sure this one would stick. I was feeling much more pregnant - nauseated, bloated, tired - all the normal things for me, although not quite to the extent that I had it in my previous pregnancies. We were eager to share our news with family and friends, but really wanted to wait until we heard a heart beat, just to be safe. I was showing very early though - my belly was HUGE after supper especially! It was getting hard to find clothes that would hide it.
At 9 weeks, I went to the midwife to see if they would try to find a heart beat for me, before we had a bunch of family/church/school events happening, so that we could share with everyone. The midwife looked at my belly and said "Whoah! What if we find two heart beats!" However, they couldn't pick anything up yet. I was disappointed, but not really worried, since I knew it was really early. The midwife reassured me that everything looked and felt normal. When she palpated my uterus, it felt like a good size for a 9-10 week pregnancy. My regular appointment was the next week, on Tuesday, and I was sure I'd hear the baby then. But again, they couldn't find anything. Now I was getting worried. The whole time the midwife was scanning my belly with the doppler, I kept thinking "It's empty. There's nothing there." Of course, my dates could be a little bit in question, since I conceived after a miscarriage, so they booked a dating ultrasound and told me not to worry at all, since it's not uncommon to not pick up a heart beat this early. The ultrasound was the next day -Wednesday. I was so nervous going in, wavering between thinking "Maybe they'll find twins!" and "It will be great to have a picture of the baby!" and "They aren't going to find anything. There's no baby." On my drive there, as I was praying for good news, I was listening to the local Christian radio station, and a familiar song came on with lyrics that said "what if our blessings come through rain drops, what if our healing comes through tears", reminding us that God has a purpose in allowing hard things in our lives, followed by the song "never once did I ever walk alone" promising that God is near to us, no matter what. And I knew this wasn't going to be good news.
I went in to the ultrasound still hoping though. I had my prenatal bloodwork drawn in the hospital lab, and then went up for the scan. The technician was friendly and made conversation until she started looking at the screen. And then she didn't talk anymore. She didn't show me any pictures. She didn't let me hear any heart beat. She asked if I'd ever had an internal ultrasound done, because she'd like to do one now, and I knew for sure that she wasn't finding anything on this scan. I said yes, I had had one before. It was when I miscarried last time. I had to undress for that, and I went to the bathroom shaking and cold. I came back to the ultrasound room and saw the computer screen with screen shots from the part of the scan that had already been done. It was empty. I could see empty sac, no baby, just blackness. She finished up the scan and told me the radiologist would look over it and pass the information to my midwife. I dressed and left. I called DH and told him I didn't think things were good. I had to go get my other kids from my sister's house. She asked how the ultrasound went and I just said "I don't think it was good. They didn't say anything." I was exhausted and shaken and didn't know what to do. I tried to carry on as normal. We ran a couple of errands (picking up new prenatal exercise DVDs I had ordered.), but my brain couldn't focus. We went home and I called the midwife and asked them to call me as soon as they got the report. An hour or two later they called and said they were sorry to say the ultrasound showed a fetal pole about 6 weeks along, and I should have been 10 weeks. There was no heart beat. They could refer me to an OB for follow up. I asked if my family doctor could handle it instead. My family doctor called me that afternoon yet and told me I could come right in, after hours. (she's great.) She went over everything with me, and arranged for further bloodwork to be done, to see what my hormone levels were doing. She told me that if they were dropping, then I would likely miscarry on my own. If they weren't, I might need to see the OB to discuss other options. She told me I could expect to pass tissue and lots of clots this time, with more cramping. I was thankful for the heads up. I went home again still feeling stunned and numb and sad, but also at peace.
As Christians we believe that God is in control and he loves us and doesn't do anything without a purpose. This hurts, but it is pain with a purpose. He is doing something for my good and making me a better person through it and bringing me closer to him. That knowledge is a rock I can stand on through this.
Wednesday night, our youngest DS was sick, and up every hour. Thursday he just wanted to be held all day long. It was tiring, but probably also helpful for me to sit and snuggle with him. The doctor called me that day to say that my hormone levels were dropping and I would likely miscarry on my own, probably starting on the weekend. And she was right. Friday I started to spot, and while it was physical confirmation that we were losing the baby, it was also a relief to know that I wasn't going to need anymore intervention to move things along. I packed up all my maternity clothes I had gotten out in anticipation of being able to wear them after the ultrasound. Saturday I was bleeding fairly heavily, and my perineum felt swollen and sore. It felt like I had just delivered a baby, to be honest, but it must be mostly just a hormonal thing. Sunday was more of the same - heavy, sore, and swollen feeling. I've heard others talk about painful cramping, but I didn't experience that. We went to church, and then were invited to a picnic with a group of other families at a park near the church in the afternoon. While we were at the picnic, I began to worry about how much I was bleeding. I figured I'd better find a bathroom fast. I grabbed my almost 3 year old daughter, and made the excuse of taking her back to the church to use the bathroom before dinner, but as I stood up to walk to our van, I felt blood running down my legs, despite the extra absorbant overnight pad I was wearing. I walked as quickly as I could to the van, imagining the blood soaking my dress and people staring, but thankfully, I was wearing a slip under a maxi dress, and nothing had shown through my dress yet! I drove back to the (thankfully empty) church, ran to the bathroom, and I surveyed the damage. (Again, little things to be thankful for - the van keys were in my purse, not DH's pocket, and I have a key to the church!) I had brought change clothes with me for the picnic, and there were lots of wipes in the diaper bag, and I had a wet bag with for DD's frequent accidents. My dress was soaked with blood, and I was a mess. I cleaned myself up as best I could and changed, putting one of the kid's diapers on to deal with the bleeding, which seemed to have slowed again. Went back to the picnic and told DH that we needed to head home. (Poor guy didn't have a clue where I was since I left in a rush without telling him I was going, and he was trying to feed supper to our other 6 children on his own...) We gathered up our kids, made our excuses and said goodbye to our hosts, and he drove about 30km/h over the speed limit the whole way home. I told him I was OK, things had settled down, and it wasn't necessary, but he was worried. At home I went to the bathroom and passed what appeared to be placenta and sac. In hind sight, I wonder if the sudden rush of blood that I felt was actually my water breaking. After that, my bleeding returned to normal period-type bleeding. The heavy swollen feeling passed as well. Monday I was exhausted and thankfully, it was a holiday so DH was home and I could take a nap. I continued to bleed lightly, and occasionally pass clots and bit of tissue for about 10 days. I returned the brand new unworn maternity clothes I bought, which was hard.
I had my next regular period about 6 weeks after the miscarriage started. I was nervous about how it would go, but it was pretty much normal. One day of slightly heavier than normal bleeding, but for the rest, it was about like usual.
Over all, I can count so many blessings and things to be thankful for through this all. DH has been wonderful, holding me when I'm sad and tired and need to cry, and helping when and where he can. We hope to try again, though we may wait a little while to rest and recover. We would love to be blessed with one more little person in our family, but we are also considering adoption in the future, since there are so many little ones in need of families.
I am also discovering for myself what I have heard from others. Grief like this doesn't heal like a cut, in that it hurts and then gets better and is gone. It seems to cycle. It sometimes surprises me how it flares up again, and I am near to tears. I don't begrudge anyone their pregnancy or new baby, and I can be happy for them, but it sometimes also hurts to see and be reminded of what we would have been doing. We had swimming lessons and another aquaintance was there with a beautiful little baby girl, and I was longing to ask to hold her, but I honestly don't think I would have coped very well. Maybe it's better that I didn't get the chance.
If you are reading this because you are going through a miscarriage, let me say I'm so sorry. It hurts. It's so disappointing. :hug: Our faith provides us with so much comfort and peace in difficult times - I hope you can enjoy that too.

Many hugs Cricket. Lots of love and light to you xoxoxo

I'm so sorry. Sending love and strength to you and your family

Big hugs love. It surely sucks xox

Hugs x

I am so sorry Cricket, miscarriage is hard, I had a similar experience in my first pregnancy where we had a missed miscarriage. I also recently lost my daughter at 15.3 weeks pregnant. It is ok to be sad and feeling all the feelings that you are. One thing that brings comfort to me as a Christian is that the fist thing my babies saw when they opened their eyes was Jesus and Heaven. Take care xxx

So very sorry for your loss, sending lots of love and strength xx

Regards,
Dianne

I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.

Thanks so much for your kind words ladies.

Thankyou for sharing your experiences cricket. I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope your able to complete your family either by trying again or adoption when you are ready.

So sorry to hear of your loss xxx

Cricket, im so sorry hun my love and strength is with you.
razzberry, I'm so so sorry hun. My thoughts and prayers are with you both x

Thank you so much for sharing. We miscarried our little angle at 7 weeks and for the most part I thought I had got over it but today (9 days after our D&C) I suddenly became very emotional and upset again. I'm now starting to think its not something I will every get over but hopefully time will help it to hurt a little less. Your story really helped me tonight.