How to tell DH he's got himself a SAHM

Hi all

OK just need some worky advice.

I've decided that I'm not going back to work ever now. I may do some part-time work when all the children are at school, but that's it. This all stems from an arguement last night that I don't do enough housework and DH is "sick" of having to nag me for dinner. I can't remember him ever doing that, but for the last couple of nights I've been a bit tired (well I am half-way through my pregnancy!) and so not done dinner until about 7.30-8pm. I have made sure he washes up when I cook, but I did the washing from the weekend on Monday: to my mind, he cooked for himself only on Sunday so should have washed that up by himself, but anyway.

To keep up with his "standards" (ie doing all his washing, cooking, cleaning - including the bath after he's used it and not cleaned it after himself), I could just have a 40-hour-a-week job, with no redundancy threat and no pregnancy. Now I'm half-way through this pregnancy and really stressed with everything that's going on (although I won't be made redundant until Jan 2008 now, but that's only because of maternity leave) I just want to have my little nap when I get home (not listen to DH play on the computer), read for a bit, make dinner for about 8ish when I'm hungry, take a bath in a nice clean bath (no point cleaning the bath any more because DH jumps in it and makes it dirty, plus the cleaner smell really gets to me) and go to bed and not have DH turn the light out half-way through my reading.

So, not only am I peed off that my cleaning isn't "good enough" (although I've "improved" since we moved to this house and out of rented), but also that my DH is grumpy about being fed "late" for the last two nights, but I'm pg and have no help: I can't be a full-time worker under threat of redundancy all the time (they're trying to close my hospital), a full-time mummy, a full-time housewife AND whatever he wants, something has to go. I won't give up devoting myself to Liebling (who at least in the early years will appreciate me!) and DH won't give up thinking the house should be perfect and sparkly, so work has to go. He's going to be very upset with that decision!

Anyway, how do I tell him that come Christmas then I won't be earning anything for at least five years, more likely 8-9? I don't mind about work - chances are come Jan 08 they'll make me redundant anyway, so I'll happily give up that (I never wanted a career!). Just DH's reaction.

Hi Ryn.

You sound a little stressed! Maybe it's all the WORK you've been doing!! Holy cow, woman! I can't believe you work full-time, (While Pg) and do all the house work & most of the cooking! Your DH's on a good wicket.

I wouldn't tell him out right that you won't be earning anything for the next 5-8 years. If he's anything like my DH, that prospect may scare ($$$) him a little. I would just keep bringing up the possibility of redundancy issue, in conversation, so he gets used to the idea of you being out of work & that you may consider going back to part-time work after maternity leave, but you would just like to wait and see when the time comes. I would try not to make too much of an issue out of it, just in case DH gets stuck on it and digs his heels in.

Maybe DH's standards will become a little more realistic when bub arrives.

I said I definatley didn't want to go back to work, but an opportunity to work 2 days a week (In a job that I love doing) came up & I took it.

Good luck!

Oh Ryn,
I can so relate! Heres my story if it helps. DH has never had an interest in getting a "real" job. The way he sees it is that I worked hard to gain my position & qualafications (sp?) to be a Veterinary Nurse, I love my Job & he seems to think I don't cope with out actually working. B4 we had kids I didn't care what he did as far as work went & to be honest he did nothing in the 6 years we were together b4 falling pg. He did have some other issues that held him back but thats another story. In that time it didn't bother me. As long as the bills got paid & he put in his fair share of money (centerlink). We shared all the house hold duites. Took turns at cooking/dishes etc.
Once I fell pg I cracked down on him about needing to find work. He didn't need any encouragment as he knew as well as I did that he needed to work in order to support our new family. He got a crap job working nights. I did work after I had Evan & so did he. 2nd baby comes round & he has found a new more reliable job (as far as hours go) working on a mushroom farm. Again he hated it. But the pay was better & he was working days, would often be home by 3pm & the shifts were consitant. I wasn't as keen to go back to work after I had Glenn (hell I wasn't keen with Evan either but was offer the job & it worked in well so...). I did my best to work from home as much as I could taking care of the accounts & things like that. Vet nursing isn't really a work form home type of job! Anyway I didn't mind chasing bad debtors but after a while my boss was becoming more & more demanding of my time & less understanding of the time I had to offer. At this stage DH was totally over working on the Mushroom farm but I had decided that I couldn't keep working any longer. I told him that it was really strressing me out feeling as though I had a standard to meet because he seemed to think I "had" to work in order to be sain. I also felt as though he was pressuring me to return to work so that he could quit & be a SAHD. I wouldn't mind that IF I was earning more money then him & actually still enjoyed my job enough to ba away from my children. Amazingly he understood. I said I would take over his share of the cooking/cleaning etc & be a proper SAHM & house wife. This worked well for a while & eventually work asked me to cover some shifts again. I was happy to do this as it was just now & then & worked in with DH's days off.
Now at the age of 33 DH has found a job that he wants to do & thinks he will enjoy. So he quit his job & took on full time study to be come a librarian. Who was I to stand in his way? It was really hard for a while there as me only working 1 to 2 days a week & him only on Austudy payment was a major strain on our budget. We managed though as we have always lived on a below LOW income. But now he has till July next year of Full time study left but has also managed to get a position with in the Uni of Western Sydney Librarys doing temp work. So at the moment he works an average of 7 to 14 hours a week @ $26 an hour plus time and half if he works a saturday which he often does. So it is finally paying off.

Now I have just realised my story doesn't help you one little bit!! LOL Sorry.
But I think you need to be open with your DH & let him know how stressed you are feeling & that he needs to cut you a bit of slack!
Oh on the cooking Dinner thing, I am soooooo slack at cooking dinner, I never cook 2 nights in a row. But I have found that by peeling & cutting all the veggies (not potato's though, they go yuk) and keeping them in snap lock bags cooking dinner is so much easier. I just stick a pot of water on the stove & chuck in what veggies I want that night & its done (we don't eat meat). I find my biggest drawback when it comes to cooking dinner is the preparation time. But when I am the mood I cut everything up that I have in the fridge (I have found it tends to stay fresher as well once cut & in the snap lock bags) that I don't find it such a task to actually go start on dinner.

Well I hope my rambleing has helped you in some way...

I like that suggestion about the vegies FJ. We're (I'm) a bit casual about dinner at our place too. Hey Ryn, here's some easy ideas that may help your work load at dinner time -
- Buy a cooked chook, bagged salad & loaf of bread on the way home from work. (You could put the chook in the oven & pretend you roasted it!)
- Casserole, where you just chuck everything in & bake for an hour or so.
- Fish n chips
- Bacon & eggs with a tin of beans & some toast
- Toasted sandwiches
- Frozen pizza with added topping.
- Take away
- Have a 'Help yourself' night (Or two)

Hey, seeing as though you are still working, could you get a cleaner or ironing lady to help? Even if it was just an hour or two a fortnight?

Sorry! It's late & I'm waffling!

DH has told me I'm not "allowed" to be stressed at work because I didn't look hard enough for a "proper" job, so any problems I have are my own fault. His standards aren't about to drop, but he's not willing to help out either (even when I ask him to clean out the bath after he cuts his hair then has a bath, leaving a hairy bath until I clean it out). I really hate clearing out other peoples' hair! For that matter, I hate cleaning up my own hair. Maybe he means that when he drops food (eg a crisp) on the floor it's not picked up by me that same night? OK, I know, that is bad of me but I'm really sick of clearing up after him!

I love cooking and baking, just when I want to do it. DH has told me he shouldn't have to get up and cook dinner and I should (although he will sometimes do the washing up), but I'm fine with doing that. When he does the shopping, maybe 2-3 times a year, I need to go myself the next day to get in fruit/veg/edible stuff, so his usual excuse is that I know what we have in and he doesn't. LOL, as if I can remember what I bought 10 mins after putting it all away! I know full well that come Easter DH will be having cakes, biscuits and other treats made for him twice a week, but I'll be at home then so it's different! Yes, so making dinner isn't the problem, having it on the table for 7-7.30 each night is; sometimes I don't want to start cooking until 7.30 and DH won't do it, he'd rather sulk.

I guess I should stop complaining about it: I didn't wake up with him this morning so he'll be in a bad mood tonight because I didn't get him breakfast, but we don't have much food in right now so at least I have meal plans for the next few nights (seriously, we have so little food in that we only have 3 choices for a meal!) and tonights will be a frozen meal I made a few months back. It's just the effort to get up from the sofa some nights that's hard: we do sometimes have frozen food or pizza, very occasionally take-out, but sometimes I just want to sit down and have the world come to me for a change!

Plus I'm worried about my sister in hospital, she's not gotten in touch with me and she's supposed to have been discharged. If only my stupid mother hadn't gone on holiday the day after she was admitted so I don't feel like I have to look after my sister, although she's hundreds of miles away.

I'll just tell him he's right, I need to be better around the house and ask him to make me a list of what I'm not doing "right" so I can improve. I'll improve a bit for a month, then downgrade all those services, blaming work and pregnancy, then magically post-baby they'll improve (even just to current standards LOL) so he'll agree with me that going back to work is a foolish idea, in fact I may try and have it as his idea. If I do go back then all the work I do will stop being done and he'll have to re-think on the SAHM idea.

Geez Ryn, You must be knackered!!!! It is so tiring being pregnant let alone doing everything aswel.
What I'd like to know is why do us Chicks have to clean the dunny, scrub the shower, cook the dinner bla bla bla, and the dudes sit back and watch?? I just dont get it. Times have changed and they need to change with the times i say!!
Housework just never ends for us. I know that i used to chuck tantys cleaning the shower when i was heavily pregnant, cos it was just so awkward to move about in a small cubicle. I'd be banging and clanging, huffing and puffing, and DH still didnt get the hint until I asked for help (in tears I must add) LOL!!
They figure, if its all quite and we say nothing, then its all good! You gotta nag some more Ryn!!!
Sorry, I havent helped much, but know how ya feel luv. Take it easy, look after you and Leibling!!!!

I am going out on a limb here & going to say that your DH needs a good hard think about the role of the Moden women! He'll be in a mod because YOU didn't make his breaskfast! What is he 6 & your his mummy? Sorry but he sounds very selfish & I would be having a word with his mother about the way she has brought him up. Yes its you are his wife but gees we don't live in the stone age anymore. You are a wife, work full time & your PG. YOU ARE SUPER WOMEN! Your DH needs to realise how good he has it. I would tell him that he needs to do things like clean the bathroom because the cleaning stuff makes your head spin & can't be good for the baby. Tell him that if he can't adjust to dinner being a bit later then tuff (we don't eat till late, how early does he want it ready?). You need a chance to unwind from your full time job outside of home before you start your next shift at your full time home based job. If he doesn't like or understand that, tell him to come live with me for a week & see whats it like in the real world!
Getting up to make him breakfast! Yeah Right!

Oh my god Ryn!!your DH sounds like a clone of mine!!!i know how you feel..but the prob is that it doesn't get easier when the baby comes..even though you are home all day its prob at least a couple of months before the baby is any sort of pattern to allow you time to scratch yourself, let alone do housework!!when owen was sleeping the first few mths all i could manage was to drag myself to bed too..you really do need it!! i thought that my DH would change when owen was born, and he actually did for about a week or 2..and then he just went back to normal..for instance: we're moving house tomorrow and on the weekend..i have done every bit of packing so far, plus all he had to do(and he keeps talking about it)is tidy the yard and mow the lawn and pack up all his computer junk in the study..he's come home every night and talked about it and then made a comment about showing me how to start the mower!!!not a chance!!!and he said this morning that he'd do it all tonight(inc painting the roof where the projector was mounted!!yea right!!)..
sorry i've just had a big vent too..just wanted to let you know that i know exactly where you're coming from and if you ever want to talk/vent wwe can bounce ideas off each other!!hope things get better soon!!

My Dh & I get up at 5:45am Mon-Fri He makes me a cup of tea whilke I have a quick shower, we then have a cuppa together I have a piece of toast made for myself & he usually has a muffin or something made by himself.
He leaves for work at 6:10am, I make my own lunch (Dh makes his the night before) I pack Maddy's lunch & Indah's nappy bag, Indah generally wakes up & I feed her, Maddy wakes & she has brekky, Indah is eating toast or fruit in her hiaghchair I do hair, make up etc, get girls organised, Indah dressed etc...
Then I take them into my Mum's or my sis comes to get Indah & I take maddy to my Mum's & it's now 7:45am, I leave for work...
I get home around 5pm, Dh usually has a load of washing going & has brought in whatever he hung out the night before & is folding it, Maddy's reading her school book & having a Milo, Indah's crawling around or asleep.
Dh has poured me a scotch & coke or asks if I want one..
I wash my lunch container & DH's coz it's on the bench...
We sit down have a chat talk about our day etc, I might take Dog & girls for a walk & if I do Dh has dinner going etc when we get home, or either myself or Dh makes dinner or has left overs plated up ready to zap & we eat around 6-6:30pm...

Ryn, I would stop doing anything for him, he is being a baby & a spoilt brat!!!

I dont recall anywhere in my wedding vows saying I'd be a slave to him!! Do yours???

I have always said to DH that the reason I want to be a SAHM, besides the fact I want to be home with my children while they grow up, is the fact that I know if I had a full time job I would still be doing everything I do now plus working all day, and I have no desire to double my workload for little recognition.

I think you should just tell DH that you want to be a SAHM after the baby is born because (insert reasons here) and that is just the way it is going to be. Better to plan for it now. But don't tell him that things will be better when the baby is born and you are at home, that you will be able to cook more, have a sparkling house etc, because believe me, in those first weeks after having the baby you will be even less inclined to do housework than you are now, and it will become harder to find the time and the motivation to keep your house spotless when you have a baby, then a toddler running around.

Wow Tracey!!you have the ideal hubby!!!mine and ryn's need to come to your place for a few lessons!! the prob i find(i don't know if ryn's the same)is that if i criticise him he cracks it, kicks up a big stink and does even less..
eg he used to wash the bottles eveery night coz i'm so buggered by the end of the day, but once i made a comment about looking forward to being pampered on holidays and he said 'i pamper you' i asked how and he said 'i let you sleep in sometimes and i wash the bottles every night'..i informed him that this didn;t count a pampering and it was part of his job as husband/father and all of sudden i'm washing bottles too..
you've got a great guy tracey!!

OOOh, I had plans of cooking & being SUPER MUM & WIFE whilst ion maternity leave I never did anything...
Thankfully my DH would NEVER criticise, or ask me to clean the bath, toilet, shower, floors or whatever, because he simply see's the mess as i do & does it!
I honestly do alot less than he does... But I am breastfeeding & so have to sit down to feed Indah.. So he does whatever needs doing...

I think I am pretty lucky, but I wont be telling him that, coz he actually gets shocked about what little many other guys do & he may start to do less!!! hee hee

Geez Ryn
Your DH needs to get with reality of the 21st Century. He is about 50 years out of date!

Let me tell you what my DH does around the house... bear in mind he is 51 and grew up in that older generation of men - so he could have an excuse but instead he's superman.

My DH will cook any night of the week if I ask him to, cleans the kitchen after dinner, manages all the garbage and recycling, feeds the animals, walks the dog, waters the plants, brings in the wood for the fire, does the shopping, unpacks the dishwasher and puts everything each morning while he makes and brings me a cup of tea in bed. He also does all of his own washing and ironing, as well as our sheets and towels. i.e. totally housetrained!

There are about three things he doesn't do. He won't dust and he's terrible at working out how to get the linen back in the linen press, and he's not good at remembering to make and each lunch.

As for telling your DH you want to be a SAHM - I'd just let that one sneak up on him. Why have an argument now.

The other thing I think you should do is start waddling around with your belly out and groaning a bit more as you get up and down. It's about time your DH worked out you are PREGNANT girl!

Ryn, what a shame you are so far away - your DH would benefit from spending time at Tracey's or Kar's!

I agree entirely that you will do less than you think, at least at first, once the baby is born (and as the pg progresses also). You need to start training DH NOW!! Mine has high standards too, but at least he does a lot to help, so I don't mind. I certainly have not had to clean any bathrooms while pg, either time!

Nagging or critising is very unlikely to work. I recommend playing the pg card for all it's worth. Just start slowly, one thing at a time. Tell him you can't start dinner earlier as you really need to sleep/rest after work, but that if he would like to start it for you that would be really appreciated. Try and get him in the habit of doing this everyday. Then one day start to clean the bath and groan and tell him your back is too sore and you can't reach all the corners anymore and could he please take over that one job until the baby comes etc etc. And when he does anything to help, heap the praise on him.

As the others have said, I wouldn't mention the SAHM thing yet, just take it one step at a time. I wish you luck, keep us updated!

Melanie.

Well, I had a word with him last night. How I managed to misunderstand him I don't know, but apparently he's "sick of telling me several times that something needs doing." All except he doesn't, he just sulks, and I'd tell him to do it if he said he wanted it done! At least he wasn't upset last night - I have had a few mornings when I've overslept during this pregnancy and he's usually OK with that. I think it was because I was also falling asleep at 9pm that helped with that!

He does scrub the loo (I refuse to do that), wash up (except I had to ask his 3 times last night and he kept "forgetting", so has it to do tonight before I make dinner), do the garden, do all the DIY (including plumbing, tiling, papering, painting...), but aside from the washing up, those aren't daily jobs. I do the washing, cooking, vacuuming and general cleaning: however, his gripe wasn't about the dinner time (really?) it was because I hadn't dusted for two months. Fine, I'll dust this weekend then. I'll also buy the expensive cleaners that you just put on, leave and then rinse off, no scrubbing, because those are so much easier if 5-6 times the price. Stuff him! He also makes his own lunch, when he remembers to. But that's easy! And he irons his work shirts and the tablecloths, but that's it; anything I need to be ironed he'll ignore unless I tell him 2-3 times to do it along with his stuff (usually only 1-2 things, not his 4-5).

He's been on at me finding another job once I'm on maternity leave too, I just mumble over that and point out I have to be made redundant first, which I am hoping for. But by then we'll have been living on one wage for six months, all my wage goes on are debts and those will have finished by then (they're almost finished now, I put most of my wage into savings already, not that DH knows that) and he'll have been getting cakes every day for - what? about 6-7 months? - quite a while anyway, so fingers crossed that I'm pregnant again and can't go back to work! Haha, I love putting DH in charge of contraception.

Asking him to do "my" tasks does get him very annoyed, although if he cooks then I'll wash up as that's only fair. Although he's a good cook he won't do it that often. Plus if I ask to be taken out because I can't be bothered with cooking/washing up he gets annoyed! But if he can't be bothered then it's OK. I'm not going to run around with the antibacterial on the skirting boards as he wants me to this weekend - I'm going to point out it's bad for my back, the baby is too heavy for me to be on my hands and knees when I'm not used to that and the cleaners are bad for my head. But I will use the vacuum attachments to get the dust off.

What was my other point? Oh yes, I love baking! It's a family thing - if we're ever at home for a week with nothing to do, the first day or two is usually a TV/computer/telephone Day (so that's the weekend gone, especially with the weekend jobs, like washing and cleaning), by day 4 there's no baking ingredients left and there are cakes, flapjacks, shortbreads, biscuits... we like baking. Now I don't have to wash up I'm wanting to make cheese sauce every night! So for the first couple of months I'm sure DH will be OK with a slight dip in housework (so long as he doesn't come home to anything too drastic), but I will bet that by Easter, when the baby is about 10w old, the cakes will start. Even just the chocolate crispy buns you make with 5-year-olds, they'll start.

And his mum - she was a SAHM and kept the "perfect" house; well, actually, aside from the dust in my house ATM we're about the same. Like vacuuming day is a Thursday, so if anyone walks mess in at the weekend it just stays there for a week. She doesn't bake either, aside from at Christmas, and for 3 of the past 4 years (one year I wasn't there) DH and I have helped with that. Washing is only done on nice days, so you can go for three weeks without doing washing in her house. I have to wash every weekend, even just the essentials and put them on the airer to dry. But she does run around after FiL, whose tasks are washing up after dinner and the DIY. I suppose I should be grateful my DH does the garden too! But she does run around after the boys a lot, that's her choice and it has taken my DH ages just to be trained into making me a cup of tea when he makes himself one! Actually, I trained him by drinking his drink if he didn't make one for me, but now he asks every time if I want a drink.

He needs to stop playing games and being such a baby. If he doesn't like the way you do things, he can do it himself.
Tell him he is lucky he doesn't live with me, if he dare criticized my housekeeping, on top of working AND being pg (or complained he had to TELL me to do something) he would receive a frypan to the head.
There are things that need to be done to keep the house running, and TWO people to do it.

I hope you get this sorted before Liebling arrives, the last thing you want is his whining input when you are finding your way as a mother.
Being a new mum usually means dishes wait and washing stays on the line while you catch some sleep on the couch with your boob out.......

After having 3 children my DH's attitude has totally changed regarding his standards at home and me working. Before having our first he expected everything to kept spick and span at all times, although he did his share... and he also pressured me to get another fulltime job when I had to find a new job when i was 6 months pregnant.

These days he says "in an ideal world you will never need to work outside the home. There's more than enough work that needs doing at home, especially until the kids can help out more". He also says he is "grateful" if there is a meal when he gets home because he knows how hectic it is here of an evenings".

These changes took 12 years. I hope your DH adopts a new attitude a little bit sooner than that though! Just make sure you allow him to care for your child without any help from you (ie go out for a whole day now and again) so that he fully appreciates how difficult it is being a childminder and housecleaner at the same time. this is the only way it will sink in.

ETA: I totally agree with that last line about sitting on the couch with your boob out! LOL making milk and feeding is EXAUSTING!

Ta girls. He's already on at me getting a new job! So it looks like I'll be teacher training in September (taking Liebs with me to lectures!), although how we're supposed to do this with no car... anyway, doing my TT course then working full-time... unless he changes his mind.

His idea of "letting me take it easy" is to tell me he can't hang out the washing whilst I make lunch because he has stuff to do... like play on the 'net. Or sitting there playing games and asking for a cup of tea. Or when he does make me a coffee (always without sugar, but I'm getting used to that now!) leaving it in the kitchen for me to get. He was really upset I spent hours in bed on Saturday due to sciatica! Oh yes, and because I refused to clean all the windows and just lay there doing nothing while he did them. He just doesn't get the "in pain" thing. But he didn't nag me to vacuum this weekend and it did need doing (of course, he didn't do it) and I'm sure he'll have done the washing up before I get home tonight... well, he may do it after I've cooked dinner.

I'm just really sick of living in such a mess because I've left some jobs for him to do! I am sick of having to clean up after he's done a job, because he never does the washing up properly and doesn't even wipe over the work surfaces when he's done. If he cooks and freezes down food, he doesn't label what's in the foil container (despite me asking him to). OK, so all he ever cooks is Spag Bol every 2-3 weeks, but I still would label it! I'm sick of if I physically cannot vacuum the house I live in a tip! Oh, but he worked so hard by wiping over the windows and shifting the fish tank into the sitting room without any help - making me out to be the bad one! I couldn't walk on Saturday! I couldn't even flex my foot or roll over on the bed without feeling pain! OK, so I could hobble into the bathroom or the kitchen, but it wasn't comfortable.

Sorry, that wasn't going to turn into a whinge. But he's in no way considering that I could not work even for a year because he has decided our home is too small for three people. Three grown-up people, yes - for example, our home is too small to share with my mother. But it is large enough for two grown-ups and a toddler! I'm just sick of him not wanting to stay in our home any more - he was the one who picked it! Well, OK, we did so together, but he was the one who decided to buy a house last year and wanted the one we have now. And how am I supposed to work when we only have one car, public transport means he has to set off at 6am not 7am to get to work and I can hardly walk to the University to train, especially not with a buggy! Can't even get the bus at rush hour with that.

And then he wonders why I'm in a bad mood so much...

I don't think he's ever going to be OK with me not working, but at least with doing my PGCE then I'll have summer holidays at home and fingers crossed the training won't be full-time and mostly working from home... not that I'd like to see what my DH would do if I needed the computer for work and he had to get dinner! And so there will be 6m before I start my training (on pretty much full pay), 18 before I get a new job, and I'll want to be there a while before TTC#2, so Liebs will be 3-4 before any sibling comes along now. Then again, I was thinking Liebling would be almost 3 before a sibling came along, so that's not too bad.

So, sorry about all the rambling, I'll point out to DH that "working" on his car isn't work, nor is accompanying me to my scan this morning (so he should realise we've got a huge baby and I need to relax, but he still wouldn't say anything nice!), it's all playing with his friends, so he IS going to vacuum and clean the kitchen tonight. It needs doing: he is going to do it. And just watch the arguements start...