Not sure how to feel!

Ok I'm not sure if this is the right spot to put this, but I'm thinking that maybe out there someone has felt the same way as me. I'm not going to re-write what i posted in the TTC 1-6 mth thread, i'll just copy and past:

I'm feel pretty good about AF, but yesterday after telling my SIL that AF was probably going to arrive she goes on to ask me what 2 lines on a HPT means if 2nd line isn't as dark as the control. well i had to explain it to her without having to total crying fit! even now i find it pretty hard to type about it and not cry. so then I had to work all day with her yesterday. I get home and i tell DP and pretty much i just fell a part. I know i haven't been TTC for very long, but I can't wait to be PG. this is really SILs first month TTC and she wasn't even really trying. SIL is someone who doesn't really want kids, is only doing it because thats what her DH and father wants her to do. She says that she doesn't want anything to do with the baby and that she wants to come back to work straight away (i know that might change once she has the baby), and really she doesn't even need to work as her daddy bought her house for her and he can give her any money that they need. I was so upset about it last night. I said to DP how am i supposed to be happy for them when all i want to do when i think about it is cry! I know it sounds like i'm being petty, but i really don't know how i'll cope if its confirmed as a +ve. I just find it unfair that I really want it, yet its not happening for us and she doesn't really care, in fact doesn't want it as yet and she may be PG.

So this is what I wrote just before:

ok more on my SIL saga. Don't get me wrong she is a lovely girl and I love her to pieces, but then only reason she decided to go off OCP is because she couldnt be bothered buying it anymore. I don't think she is insensitive, just very Inward looking, she doesn't see how some things might affect other people! IN fact she is "worried" that she might be PG! So here is my problem, she still might not even be pg, but after 3 positive HPTs i think the chances are probable, how am i supposed to be happy about this? Everyone else in my family is going to be over the moon, i mean its a grandchild! They all know we are TTC and if i act sad its probably likely that they will tell me to get over it. I want to be happy for them, but at the moment i'm finding it very hard not to snap at SIL (who i work with). I'm just so ****ed off right now! I feel like asking her "how could you do this to me?". I know its all very selfish of me and i keep telling myself to get over it, but at the moment i can't.

So i need some advice, how do i get over this? I want to be happy for them, but at the moment i'm just not feeling it. :crying:

There might be a chance that she isn't even PG, but i am trying to prepare myself for if she is. I am really happy for them, but i'm just so sad that it isn't me. I keep telling myself its only been 5 mths and I KNOW that isn't a long time.. And knowing how insensitive my brother is, i just don't want him saying anything to me. I can't talk to my mum about it because its not my news to share with her, plus she won't really know how i am feeling because she will be happy about the Grand kid. I've only got DP and you guys to talk to about this. I just really want to be happy for them. I also want to be supportive of her because i know she is so scared, but I just can't be at the moment. How do i get over this?

Really sorry its so long!

Bron, I just want to give you a huge hug. I had all this when my SiL fell pg last year: she was announcing hers just as I'd have ideally been announcing my baby (15m before I fell pg), my problem wasn't TTC but that my DH wasn't ready to TTC; still, the emotions I went through are very similar.

You're quite right in not saying a word to your family: trust me, they will all think you are the most evil b*tch who ever walked the face of the earth (even my mum, and it's not her grandchild: it's my MiL's grandchild, and later my mother's great-niece - SiL never mentioned about TTC and my cousin kept calling hers an "accident" all the way through her pregnancy). It's far, far better to have a good support group of like-minded girls. We all know that you are happy, deep down, but you have other stuff to deal with first and believe me, you do have to deal with it.

You're quite right, it's not fair, and nothing anyone can say will make it fair. There will be days when you don't even want to think of her: don't. If you have to avoid family things, do so. Say you're ill or something - this could cause a mental problem, such as depression (again, trust me on this) and your mental health issues are just as important as her baby. Call-screen when you can't cope. You will never feel happy for your SiL while you try to force yourself to: I want you to buy her a congratulations card if she is pg and then forget about her for as long as it takes. OK, the card won't be easy to buy but I do know you'll be pleased you did it in a few years.

My SiL sounds similar to yours; she ended up extending her maternity leave and now is a devoted mother. Just because she didn't do things "my" way doesn't make her a bad person. It was very, very hard to tell myself that before I fell pregnant, but I'm glad I did manage to finally be happy for them without any extra feelings going on before I fell pregnant.

Just wanted to say that getting "over it" isn't easy, but getting through it is do-able, and I really hope you fall pg very soon so you can share your pregnancy journey together.

Best of luck to you.

Thanks for your support Ryn. I went home last night and had a big cry to DP. He was very supportive and he said it will be our turn soon. I know it will be! I said to DP that I'm probably more upset about it because AF arrived. I was upset about getting that and then SIL tells me and I went from 'poo AF arrived' to 'Shes PG and I'm not' :crying:

Today I can sit back and think Wow I could be an aunty again! whereas yesterday i was just highly emotional. I know she is very scared and not very well informed about these things, so i would like to be very supportive of her. In fact she was so scared about the whole thing that she asked that we get PG together, so we were both planning on starting TTC in Oct this year, but then DP and I decided not to wait. Well it hasn't happened for us, but maybe for her.

As for my family, they wouldn't really understand anyway. For some reason my whole life i've never been allowed to be sad or in a bad mood. I guess in some ways they are very old fashioned. So if they saw that I wasn't really feeling that great at the moment, I'd probably cop a mouth full. I would never come out and say i was unhappy about this to my family though, because this is (or it could be ) a happy time for them and it wouldn't be fair to them or my brother and SIL. But my mum and I usually talk about everything, so i'm finding it very hard not to go to her at the moment.

I really like the card idea. I'm going to do that for sure.

Ryn thanks a lot for your advice. Its been great having BB to talk out all my problems.