DD worrying me!

I thought I would ask here for some advice on how to approach this. My eldest DD is almost 13 and I have noticed in the last month that she disappears to the toilet straight after every meal! Now this has produced warning signs for me!
She seems quite happy, is doing really well at school, plays sport and although she isnt extremely slim, she is pretty much in proportion.
I have noticed that one of her friends has gone from a size 14 down to a size 6 in a few months and is constantly talking about how fat she looks, so I am not sure if this is rubbing off on her or not.
She has a lot of friends and is pretty good. But I am worried that she is throwing up in secret or something. She hasnt got her period yet, which is pretty late these days. I am not sure if I am doing something wrong.
I have organised for a friend of mine to take her shopping tomorrow for new clothes for her birthday, so I was thinking of speaking to her and seeing if she can get anything out of her. I dont want her not to trust me though.

Have you followed her to the toilet to see if you can listen to what she's doing? If she's throwing up you'd be able to hear that. If she is throwing up you need to take her to your gp and possibly get her some kind of bulima counselling or something like that. Best to nip it in the bud before it goes too far.

Dinky, can you perhaps have a 'girly' chat with Shannen alone? Maybe you could watch a movie together and broach the topic casually with her. Perhaps you could affirm with her that she is beautiful just the way that she is, and does she like herself? If she's immediately negative at that age (12), then maybe it it is a warning sign; and you can discuss with her what she doesn't like? If she responds that she's 'fat' or something similiar then you can take it from there.

I always assumed that girls of that age had nothing to worry about unless they were in a sport or activity where body image/weight played a large part. I don't want to scare you, but imagine my horror when I realized that a little girl in my dancing class developed anorexia at the age of 11 and she & her friends had been counting calories. All of this in primary school; and this was almost 10 years ago.

I only suggest that, because while I'm sure your friend talking to her is a good option; maybe Shannen will be suspicious with that line of questionning? I'm sure she'd appreciate it privately from her Mum in amongst a girlie chat. That said, I know what I was like at 12 and I would never have told my Mum how I felt. I wish my Mum had invested the time in me though, because we never had open channels of communication back then and still don't really now and I'm almost 28.

Good luck hon, I'm sure you'll find the right approach to it. :)

I so hear you! We have had the same concerns with Jess...who to us is starting to look extremely thin. I have found her writing in her diary what she has eaten during the day and the other night we have found her doing situps in bed. Jess is in the "in" group at school and there does seem to be quite a lot of focus on appearance.

Its a toughie because while you want to educate girls on the ways of having a healthy body you dont want to come down to hard and heavy which then blocks them from coming to you to discuss things.

We have talked at great lengths about magazines and the focus on appearances and the ridiculous need to look a certain way. We have always tried to teach the kids to treat their body well but to remember that its their spirit inside that is the most important thing.

Goodluck..its a tough age

Jo

Dinky, I was going to ask the same as Bec (Tigergirl)..have you listened from outside the toilet door, although there is also the issue that they can throw up quietly. My friend had both bulimia and anorexia and used to go to the toilet, but you couldn't always hear anything as they cover it up and know how to throw up without noise. She'd also tell you she'd just eaten or something, but you could tell if she was binging because she'd barely chew the food she was that hungry.

Jo, I would definitely have concerns if Jess is writing down what she is eating and the sit ups...that can be a classic sign.

When my son was 5 he told me he was fat! I couldn't believe it and he would tell me he needed to exercise, so I just kept on telling him over and over that he wasn't fat and even made sure that there was things like milo and similar in the house because he can't resist them but if he did stop with those things then I'd have been majorly worried, but he did get over it.

I hope that this gets better for you both.

Dinky, I agree with everyone's comments.

FYI there's an article - the coverstory - in yesterday's Who Magazine about how Hollywood and the catwalks are shunning thin models/actors for more "bigger" stars. "Suddenly, bigger is better on the catwalk and in Hollywood." Might be worth purchasing and lying around the house she can see what the 'in people & places' think.

Did you have any luck talking to her?

I'd suggest giving her the chance to say whether or not she has a problem first. Ask her outright, 'is there any concerns or problems you want to tell me?' and then, if she says no, and you still don't believe it, tell her of your concerns. she may appreciate the respect you are giving her, rather than accusing her striaght out or assuming.
i only say this because this is how it was handled in my friends family, her mum was worried, and my friend confessed to it.

best of luck