Simone's Parenting Debrief

I am just at the end of my tether with the kids, and i need to get it out... DH doesnt see what they are like as they are great (most of the time) for him...

MOst of my problems come down to Xander. He used to be an angel, then he hit about 18 months, and he changed. My 16yo brother taught him to swear (DH and i dont swear, ok we do, but only rarely, and NEVER around the kids.) We were told all kinds of different way to rid him of it. Ignore him, he wont get a rise and wont use it anymore. Naughty corner, all the usual kinds of punishments. Even the odd smack. nothing works. I had DHS around for a follow up visit, and all Xander did while they were here is ask for things. Coke mum, chocolate mum, and when i said no, he's start. "Fu*k you mum, my house, go away, dont love you fu*k off fu*k off." He just kept on and on. I ended up sticking hi in his room, i just couldnt deal with him. He picks on his younger bro (i know they all do) Declan's 19 months. Xander scratches him (he has a massive red welt across his face, with streaks of blood where he broke the skin) and Declan didnt do anything except be playing with a truck Xander decided he wanted. He smacks Anneliese, and holds his hands over her mouth and nose so she cant breathe. But he only does it when he thinks your not looking. He acts like the pefect loving big bro when there's people around. I've tried most methods of parenting with him, anything people have suggested i've tried. I've taken to either ignoring him and giving attention to the one's he's hurting, so he see what hurting people won't get him attention, or just ignoring him when he's yelling at me (but not hurting anyone) Im afraid ill just snap and i dont want to do that. Just then, him and declan were playing happily, and all of a sudden Xander pushed Declan over so he smacks his head on a tonka truck. No reason why, he just did it. I try cutting additives out of his diet, but it wasnt working. DH was slipping him lollies, coke, chocolate, macca's. Dh doesnt believe he needs the diet. I try and divide my time between 3 children and spend time with each one on one, but Xander is just taking up so much of my time. Now he's walking around telling everyone "You shut up fu*kin hell." thats one of his favourites. He's destructive, rebbelious and a rude little... i dont know. I love him, he's my son, but i really dont like him. I dont feel i've really bonded with Anneliese, all of my time is spent trying to protect the kids from Xander. Declan and Anneliese are fine, Declan plays quietly, try's to keep to himself, is loving and cute, Anneliese is a 4 month old, doesnt do alot... Anyone got suggestions? Im willing to try anything...

Hi Simone,

Also with the additives hun, the offending one needs to be completely cut out and it may take a little while to see a difference (but if you do it properly you should notice at least a small change almost straight away). Can you convince your DH to give it a try for a month? Thats not very long and would probably be a good habit to get into.

He's probably testing his boundaries. You just need buckets of patience (dont we all, lol)and I'm sure you'll come out the other side.

I'd be a bit more worried about the hand on Annelieses face. I'm sure he doesn't know what he's doing - 2.5 yrs is too young to understand suffocating and the consequences. I agree you have to be very careful though, hun.

Simone do you perhaps think that Xander could be copying his behaviour from someone? Is there anyone in his life who is agressive and violent in front of him, who doesnt treat people with appropriate respect? Something like that can have a huge impact, especially on an impressionable little boy. Boy toddlers and children tend to act out with actions and agression (moreso than females I think?) just like their adult couterparts, which is why its always important to have role models around who set a good example.

Hello, I would recommend getting straight into a behaviour support program, though the local child health service. The ppl who run these courses will give you lots of strategies for managing the behaviour, but most of all they give you non judgemental understanding and support! It's like having Super Nanny at your house but without the cameras. I agree about the PPP program, it's very good and widely used.

You're not alone, there is light at the end of the tunnel, but please don't wait until it escalates before you get some decent support for your whole family so you can start to enjoy and appreciate each other again!

The other ladies have offered some great advice about getting into some sort of parenting program where not only can you get great ideas on how to effectively manage and discipline but also meet other parents who have young children too. Children copy what they see modelled and to quote DR PHIL lol...they learn most and copy most from their same sex parent. Children dont understand the use of swear words but they certainly understand the passion in which they are said...ie 'Oh ****'..the emphasis is fairly clear..so its natural to pick up words that are said with such emotion and passion. Alot has been going on in this little boys life..and i know the other two kids are younger but little Xander is only 3..just a little tike! A baby is a HUGE adjustment as are other things that might be going on...I hope you can find a course that will help with this.

Jo

Thank you all for your suggestions. None of them seem harsh, i asked for anything that may help. My little man has seen a lot of violence in his short life, and i know i am to blame for that, and we are both currently taking steps to rectify this. I have also looked into taking him into a child psych, there's either long waiting lists (and he is on those lists) or they cost a fortune. And i would sacrifice anything to help my little guy, but the truth is we are just managing to buy food and pay some bills at the moment. We are barely managing.
I would LOVE to get the kids into care, once again that is another expense. DHS is trying to organise some daycare, 13 weeks worth (3 days a week for the boys, and i have opted for anneliese to have 2 days as well. Going to work it out so I get one on one time with each of them, they all deserve it. Declan doesnt talk, and when he gets out a few words, he whispers them.) Im thinking of going back to work, even if work only pays for daycare, i will be getting a break.
I will talk to my MCHN about PPP, i have heard about it when Xander was a baby (in Perth) but never thought i would be needing it.
One thing i am really proud of Xander is when we moved to Melbourne he started weeing himself, he was fully toilet trained, including at night. I let him go, just put him back into nappies and left it to do this summer. I just put his potty about so he could see it. Last week, i started leaving pants off him, and no nappy, and he started going by himself. And the last 2 nights he hasnt weed his nappy. We made a big fuss of it, "You're such a big boy" and he's very proud of himself. Just like the PPP, trying to focus on the positives. We've only had one episode today, Declan was patting Anneliese's leg in the car as she was crying, and Xander bit him. Xander even shared some bath toys with him. Hopefully we're looking at a better day today than the last few...

THanks for all the suggestions girls, im going to try them all...

Hi Simone,
How are you going with this now? I knew you were struggling with giving the 3 kids a fair share of your time, but I had no idea it was like this, I'm so sorry!
I did hear him swearing when we met up, but it sounded like something that you had a strategy for, so I pretended (cos I was standing right nearby) that I hadn't heard it - was there anything I could have done instead?
I don't know about the background that someone else referred to, but I get the impression that you are a bit amazing :)
I have heard of something that *may* work for Xander, though you'd need to do a bit of legwork to find someone who could do it on your budget. It's a bit 'alternative', so if you are still interested, I have a book you could borrow to get an insight before proceeding, or you could email me and I'll send you some links.
:hug:

Hey IK, i've sent you an email...