Need help dealing with fears of something going wrong.

NOt really sure where is the most suitable place to post this - mods feel free to move :)

Just needed to share some of the concerns i've been having lately - writing things down and expressing myself tends to be a bit of a release for me. Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble and long.

I'm just having a pretty terrible time dealing with the fear of something going wrong with this preg. It was all exciting thinking about TTC #2 and wonderful discovering we fell preg again and so quickly....but now the reality of it all has well and truly sunk in.

I have found myself waking in tears with such consuming fear. I really thought i had dealt with everything after my last preg experience (which many of you know about....don't really want to have to repeat myself again - it's in the birth de-brief). The hospital put us onto the psychologist for parents who have gone through a traumatic experience and DH and i really did feel ok about it all and were positive about our future pregnancies.

Now i am just terrified. And it sounds completely selfish and so unlike me but my main fear is for the risk to my own life purely because i can't bear to think of leaving Ella. I want to raise my baby! When i went through my experience with Ella i didn't even consider my own life, i just prayed that God would allow my baby to be alright....so i'm really struggling with my suddenly selfish feelings towards this new baby.

I really, really wanted this baby - and desired a big family - but now i'm wondering if we've jumped into this blindly. I now wish that we'd done more research to see if our chances of another placenta abruption are high or low, wished more tests were done to be more specific about the cause (as it's just a guessing game right now)....

I just feel that we won't be able to relax until the day our baby is born. I had such a positive attitude about this preg and birth, wanting to try my absolute hardest for a VBAC etc... but now all that seems so difficult to focus on.

I'm not a negative person so i'm sure that as more tests are conducted and we get to know our OB better, and will have the opportunity to discuss our fears and perhaps be given more info, I will begin to feel better - oh God i hope so anyway! Just needed to get it off my chest and have others who have gone through traumatic preg/birth experiences let me know if these feelings towards the next baby/preg are normal....

Rae im sorry you are feeling like this and i can say that im sure i will be the same.

My story is a little different .............................
I have had a lot of emotions about becoming pg. when i has my ectopic in 2002 i didnt even hear what the doc had to say i blanked out as i have this huge fear that i am going to die when im in labour.i mean i didnt even know i was pg so that was enough for me i didnt hear that it was ectopic untill after the surgery!!

im seeing a counceller to help me get though all these emotions

What im saying is i think your emotions are normal and i hope that someone in this site can be a bit more helpful than me. I just wanted you to know that im thinking of you and that i hope you are feeling better soon.x

.....

Thanks so much girls - you have each made me feel relieved that my feelings aren't completely irrational or selfish. I will definately look into seeing the hospital psychologist again and keep researching and finding out as much info as possible. Thank you also for listening and making some sense of my blur of thoughts/emotions. I also wish those of you who are pregnant again (or are considering another preg in the near future) the very best and pray that you will be blessed with wonderful safe pregnancies :hug:

Rae I can totally understand. In my first trimester I was very scared of birth. I had read heaps but still having issues with reliving Matilda's birth and trying to put it behind me. I spent time with people who had VBAC's and asked them questions, I read heaps and heaps of books regarding VBACS and I debriefed here & with a group called Birthtalk in Brissy who are a group of women with traumatic birth experiences. I am only feeling confident now due to hypnobirthing & debriefs & what I have read.

I was so scared I would sit up at night & write down what I was afraid of and try and deal with things one at a time. You are definately not being selfish or irrational! Quite the opposite, I think if you weren't worried or upset about this then you may lay in those categories ;)

Thanks Christy! I think that's a good strategy, writing fears/concerns down to assist with working through them. It'll also help me not continue to dwell on them all night while i lie in bed. Thank you for your kind words....and wishing you a fabulous birthing experience this time around!

Hi Rae,
Congrats on the preg by the way. I recently have had #2 and whilst the pregnancy and the birth were an absolute dream (i.e 30 min labour, no drugs, no tears, perfect baby, home next day.) i too had my doubts at the back of my mind, for the whole 40 or so weeks...........
I had third deg tears with my DD #1, retained placenta, massive blood loss (which resulted in 2 x blood transfusions) and a risk of a hystorectomy (sp?)- (which i didnt find out till 2 days after i gave birth that it was even discussed). Like you, i fell pregnant incredibly easy, we wanted a sibling for our DD, and we wanted another little poppet to endure. Pregnancy wasnt my fear, i generally have easy going pregnancies, it was the labour. How can i go thru that again, what if i loose too much blood, what if i cant push anymore, what if, what if, what if. I believe i covered my fears, and pretended labour with DD #1 just didnt happen, it was ancient history now and it couldnt possibly happen again !!. But every time i went for my antenatel checkups, i would get home and compare my pregnancy notes to that of pregnancy with DD #1 and i would wonder for the next week or so what we had gotton ourselves into. I had that nervous knot feeling in my stomach EVERY single time i went for any appt.....it only lasted a few days, but still it was there.

I apologise if im rambling, all i wanted to put across was, its perfectly normal what your experiencing. My mother is a nurse, so every appt i had, every test i had to go for, i brought her along. Got her to ask questions too (she was with me during my first labour, so knew what i went thru). I found her medical background really helped ME in understanding what i went thru, and what would happen if i went thru it again. Talk to your OB, talk to DH, talk to us. And like someone else said, trust your instinct.

But, more importantly, enjoy this pregnancy. Its such a wonderful time, it will never be you and Ella anymore with bub #2. Enjoy her, enjoy this time.
Good luck !

Thanks Mbear for sharing that. It really does bring me down to earth to know that other women and babies have gone through similar experiences and have gone on to have great future pregnancies. Oh and how funny - my mum is also a nurse (and she also had a placenta abruption, which unfortunately ended in a stillbirth, with her 5th baby) so she is a great source of info and understanding. But she lives 4 hrs away :( She makes it down to visit as frequently as she can and went to my last u/s and OB appoint so that was good. She's also good in reminding me to write things down to ask the Drs and to not be afraid to ask questions as people in the medical field actually like clients to be interested and informed.
A few of you have mentioned trusting our instincts now....i'm a massive believer of that as instinct was the thing that saved us as my abruption was concealed with no usual warning signs. I feel pretty positive that i'm in tune with my body, and in the long run i've decided that i just don't care if i look stupid and panicky and end up visiting the hospital every single day towards the end - if i'm unsure i'm getting it checked out!
Thank you all again for your support and understanding....every little bit helps :)

Thanks Fletchy - you're a great friend.....would be lost without your support and encouragement! This time next year we'll be sitting around with our toddlers and our new bubs thinking - sheesh more Chrissie pressies to buy - lol!!!!

Hi Rae,

"i'm really struggling with my suddenly selfish feelings towards this new baby."

First of all you a are on the most un-selfish people i know, sounds like you thinkin more of Ella than yourself so how is that selfish???

Your a strong person rae and you have a loving husband, great family support, great friends and can't forget to mention everyone on BB. Aslong as you keep talking about and sharing the emotions you are feeling then i know you'll be fine.

This new baby is going to bring even more joy to your life and i know everything will be totally fine, both you and bub will be 100% healthy. Remember the doc's know your history so they're going to look after you.

Stay strong and remember you are allowed to have concerns, feelings and emotions about this, to be honest i'd be worried if you didn't.

Luv Amanda :hug:

:hugs: Rae,

This is a really tough time and you are courageous and brave to have turned to look at your fears. That is something that many people can't do.

I would love to be able to take your fears away but I can't. I can't even say it gets better but what I do know is that you WILL get through this. The statistical risk of you losing your life are very minimal. I understand though that statistics are not at all reassuring sometimes...

Can I offer some suggestions? Discard the ones that don't fit for you...
* Employ/engage a midwife that you click with. Outcomes (physically, emotionally and spiritually(I believe) are better with a midwife known to you.
* Accept that this is bloody scary and that you are completely and utterly normal for feeling the way you do. You are very okay. Believe this because to have been through what you have of course there is some fear.
* Explore the vbac option if that is important to you. Really explore it. Talk to a trusted midwife.
* Explore hypnobirthing and neuro stress release. Neuro stress release is an incredible experience (I have only just had recent experience and it blew me away...) Hypnobirthing is a wonderful way to tame those emotions.
* Come in here a LOT for hugs and support.

I am sending lots of love... :hug:

Thanks Amanda and Deb - you girls are great! It's so good to be able to vent away in here.

Deb - i'm definately looking into VBAC and hypnobirthing info. The more i thnk about a positive outcome where i can have some control the better i feel about the whole preg :)