How do I get through to him?

As most of you will know, Ryan and I have both been married before and both have 2 children from our previous marriages. Emma and Jack live with us and Sian (11) and Bree (eight) live with their Mum in Queensland.

I have been with Ryan since mid 2001 and in all that time I have met the girls only once when we went to the Gold Coast Dec 2003 for a couple of weeks. We took Emma and Jack too obviously and they all had a great time together. We haven't seen the girls since then ... no photos for Ryan, no card on his birthday no nothing! Ryan did try and get to visit the girls early in our relationship but he was on the last Ansett flight from Perth to Sydney and the only option he had at that time was to accept Qantas' offer to fly him back to Perth immediately. He was devastated.

My big thing is that I want Ryan to go to court ... I want him to fight for visitation rights to the girls. I want them to know what a great Dad he is and how much he loves them and how heart broken he is because their Mum won't help maintain contact in anyway.

Ryan won't go to court ... he doesn't want to cause trouble for the girls ... even though I tell him he would probably get visitation rights alot better than the ones he has now. His XW hasn't legally changed their surname but at school they are known by her last name. It upsets Ryan so much ... also she NEVER sends him photos of the girls and the only photos he gets are the ones she sends to his Dad. The last lot of photos didn't even have any photos of just the girls ... she always sends photos of all the kids together (she has 5 now). Since we have been together he has never received a card for his birthday or Father's Day and any phone contact that he has with them is the call he makes and even then he has to a leave a message on the answer machine about 5 times before she will answer the call.

Ryan has a wonderful relationship with Asha ... he cherishes the time with her so much as he didn't get it with his girls. She loves her Daddy to pieces and I have seen him shed a tear when she says I love you Daddy and gives him a big hug! My biggest point is that it shouldn't be like this and he should be able to spend time with the girls ... Ryan's family here in Perth have never even met Bree ... only seen photos. We have offered a few times to have the girls fly over so that they can see Ryan's family but his XW has said NO!!! She even told Ryan that she wouldn't let them go because she would miss them too much.

Now I must be a different kind of person as my kids have never missed out on contact with their Dad. He sees them every holidays and has since I moved to Perth. The kids used to fly to Adelaide to stay with him and then when he moved to Pt Hedland they flew to see him there and then he moved to Lake Grace and he picked up the kids and took them there for their holidays. He now lives in Northam and still sees them every holidays without fail. I honestly do not know how a Mother could not want their child to know their Father (unless of course it was detrimental to the child). Ryan never hit her, never made her go without ... in fact he moved from Perth (where his family lives) to Central Queensland to be closer to her family. I honestly think that it is more about the fear that girls will enjoy being with Ryan so much that they will want to live here with us and then she wouldn't know what to do. I would never stop the girls from living with us but I honestly dont think it is going to happen. There is so much else I could tell you about her but it is really not worth it.

Anyway thanks for reading this I guess I am not really looking for suggestions but just needed to get it off my chest ... I can not even begin to understand what goes on inside this woman's head!!! I think maybe it is time Ryan started to push the point about the girls coming to Perth for a holiday.

Thanks again for reading ...

Hi Kelly
Oh My God did your story sound so familiar. I met my now partner Jeff in 1999 knowing he had a 3 year old daughter Krystal and boy did I step into a messy separation, but we fought all the way in the courts, after 2 years of courts(and alot of money) we got all visitation rights and it is all in documents so the mother of Krystal has no say if she changes her mind( which she used to do alot). He has visitation once a fortnight and half of all holidays and for 3 straight weeks over xmas, father's day, every 2nd Easter/Xmas, we even get her for half a day on mother's day. I understand it must be difficult living so far away, but if you get to court and get it all sorted then he will get his rights and should have access every school holidays. It is better for the children to know that he has fought for them and it will give for a better relationship between him and the kids in the future. Hope this has helped a little. :)

Also Kelly i forgot to add that Krystal's last name at school was her mother's last name aswell( which I thought was a real *****y thing to do) but we had that changed also through court and I don't know even know how they are enrolled when they have a totally different name on there birth certificate.
And with the photo situation, if you know the name of the school they go to then their father has every right to receive copies of report cards, and also you ask the name of the place that does their school photos and then you ring them and ask for copies or you can arrange for the school to order you sets, that way you receive beautiful photos every year and don't miss out. (I hope all this makes sense). :)

Jodi Thanks so much for your replies. I know that when kids go to school all offical documentation must be in the child's legal name but they are allowed to be known by another name. Ryan has asked for copies of their reports etc but she never sends them to him. I will mention to him to get the name of the school from the girls and then get a lawyer to write a letter asking for copies of school reports to be sent directly to him. I know that will make things difficult but he really needs to sort this all out ... he says its fine and he is used to the idea of not knowing his girls but I know he is lying through his teeth. He doesn't want them to bear the brunt of her apparent hatred for him ... who knows what she says about him to the girls. I would love to speak with her and let her really know what she has done to Ryan by denying him the ability to have open communication with his daughters.

I know that they are my step daughters but I hardly know them ... but that again is not by choice.

Ok I could go on all day ... so will end this post here.

Thanks again Jodi.