baby no2 or career????

i have been reading this forum for ages and never posted so here goes,

i am a younger mum living with my partner and with a almost 5year old daugter and am playing a tug of war in my mind on what to do in the next step of my life and can never seem to make a decision i would like to study and go to university as i am still young and in a postion where this is possible, on the other side i would love another baby to give my daughter a sibling i think she needs this, i never wanted a huge age gap and she does display some only child/grandchild spoilt tendecys.

i have no idear what so do any help, advice would be great.

It's ultimately up to you. Do you have a career in mind? Something you're passionate about? I have 7 kids, have 2 businesses and my husband owns a shop. What I'm trying to say is, it doesn't have to be exclusive. You can do both ;) We are women after all - we can multi task :)

i do have a career in mind one that will take many years of study, also the constant pressure of family, you need to go to school, dont have anymore kids, wont be able to give her the things you can now ect ect, im sure it will all work out in the end.

Hey Tash - big decision!! Before I give you my opinion, I should put it in the context of my background and current situation.

I am an only child who craved brothers and sisters while I was growing up. My dad died when I was nine and my mum basically had, up to that point, made my dad and me her life. She had her whole self invested in being a wife and mother, and when my dad died that focus was transferred to me, the only-lonely.

My mum raised me saying that I should never depend on a man to support me, that I have a career and strive to always make enough money to look after myself and my children. Initially her motivation was purely money-based - she was widowed at 36, no car licence, no career and a mortgage to pay. I think she saw my having a career as an insurance poilicy in case I was ever widowed, divorced, ended up with an unemployed/disable/sick/whatever husband.

I ended up finishing school and getting into law, and very early on during my uni days I met my DH. My mum hated my DH initially - she basically felt that he was stealing me from her. I moved out of home when I was 19 and so my mum was all alone. Mum was devastated - she was only 41 and had the rest of her life ahead of her. What was she to do?? She asked me that one day - what am I supposed to do now? I told her she could have her life now. Years later she admitted she was suffereing from separation anxiety - the thing by which she defined herself (ie: motherhood) has gone (I was 19, after all!)

My mum realised, I think, that her words of "have a career" suddenly could have meant something more than money - it could be an identity thing as well. She regrets that she didn't have a career now, and looking back wishes she had have pursued something when she was younger. That said, to her credit my mum has NEVER made me feel like she missed out on something because of me.

Okay, zoom forward 13 years. DH and I have been married for 13 years - he did engineering, I did law, we both got jobs, travelled a bit, bought a house, and now I we are both home with our boy Flynn. I am going back to work part time, eventually full time, while DH is wil be a stay at home dad. (Mum now likes DH, BTW - most of the time!!) We plan more kids, but if they don't come along we will foster kids as we don't want Flynn to be an only child like me. I suffer from "only child syndrome" (or more accurately, my poor DH "suffers" from it! LOL!) and would not want my boy to grow up being the centre of the Known Universe the way I did.

(the great irony of all this - I get myself a SNAG willing to be a SAHD so I can prusue the career my mum was so desperate for me to have and she cracks it - saying "I know I raised you to have a career but I never thought you would end up supporting a man!" PUUURLEEASE! there's no pleasing some people!! LOL)

So this is where my "opinion" comes in:

I think that you should pursue the career. Your daughter will grow up and leave you one day and you will have to live your own life. You will need things to fulfil you and give you an identity which is separate from that of partner/wife and mother. I am passionate about continuing my career for the reasons that I hope are obvious from my background story above. Also I want to be a role model for my children - I want to be their mummy but also a lawyer too - I want them to know I can do both. (Luckily for me I have a DH who is willing to be a SAHD so I don't have the dilemma of childcare).
I also do not want to burden Flynn with the thought or feeling or impression that I gave up my "life" for him, that he is everything to me. As a mum I KNOW your daughter IS everything to you (Flynn is everything to me!!), but as a child it is an awful burden to look at your mother and KNOW that you are the only thing of true meaning in her life.

I understand your concerns about your daughter being an only child. I think that you can set-off some of the obvious problems associated with being an only child by doing foster care once she is old enough to fend for herself (I say this because I am aware that people can find themselves fostering some very damaged children and I think it is safest if your own kids are of an age when they can protect themselves if need be or at least tell you if they are being harmed by the foster kids). You could also really make an effort to get her to share, take her to group activities, etc. And you could always have a child later, once the career thing is underway.

Phew! Tash, this is only my opinion and comes from the heart and my background. I am in no way denigrating women who chose or are lucky enough to be "just mums" - anyone who knows me knows I think that mothers do the most important job in the world - we are the glue that holds the fabric of society together though our love for our children. But I do think, for the reasons above, that often a career can help you be a better mum, in that you are less likely to fall into the trap of investing everything into your children and then being unable to let go when your child needs you to let go.

I wish you all the best and hope this helps you find your way.:)

Could you study part-time and go 'with the flow' ttc #2?

Seeing as though you are young, you could work out a long term plan to get to where you want to be. You could start out study part-time and then when circumstances change (Both kids at school or in care) you could change to full-time study.

Even though I'm older (29) this is my plan, as I figure, even though I could possibly be closer to 40 when I finish studying, I will still have a good 20 or more years where I could still be working (Doing what I love) and earning good money, while the kid/s will be at school and then making their own families.

I don't want to put off having more kids to study and then possibly miss out, because my chances of conceiving would be decreased. (Age wise and I have PCOS)

Oh, also, a friend of a friend is a younger mum (24) with 3 kids, a DH, business and is studying part-time at uni.
Good luck!!

Roryrory, i think you hit the nail on the head i agree with everthing you have said, My family were never huge on education they belived i would make the right decition in the long run and i think had a gone to uni straight out of school i would not have had the drive to pursue succses, Now it is something i really want to do i dont want to feel like i missed something in 20years time, and also like your mother like feel i need to be able to do it by myself if need be, i also would like my daughter to see me do it so she sees that having a baby at 19 wasnt the end of the world and you can still achive your dreams i think you have helped me make up my mind after all when im finished i will be 30 and there will be more time for children.

hmmmm ok. I am 21 and really wanted to be a young mum. However there were many days where I thought of my future, career, finances etc.

Unfortunately life doesnt come with a manual and neither does motherhood. You need to work out all the pros and cons of going back to school, or by staying home and having more children. What would make you happier at present? What would make you happier in 5 years time? 10 years time? What about your partner?

You are never too old to start a career. I plan on doing that once I have finished having children then I have my life starting over again. Does that make sense?

All things happen for a reason so I guess I will leave the rest to fate. The main thing in life is to be happy. We only get one chance.

Good luck!

Oh I hate these situations! For me career has never bothered me much at all, I worked 5 years full time in admin before getting pregnant and the more stressful the job the less I cared for climbing that ladder - also I never got paid enough for the work load that I had anyway.
In the future I will pick a child over career, at the end of the day a job is enough to satisfy me and pay our bills

Hi Tash,

You are in exactly the same boat as I. I am in a fight between my head and my body at the moment.

I enrolled in uni last year to do midwifery. I was accepted and a few weeks later i found out i was pregnant! So, i defered. I went ahead with the pg and now have a beautiful daughter, Briley. Now 5 months on, the time has come to make the decision of wether to have another baby, got to uni or do both! I know that i should go to uni and get the studies over but my body is literally screaming for me to have another baby.

I was very much stuck and did'nt know which way to go. My DP really wants me too go and do my studies but is also happy to let nature take its course. So i decided to tell the uni that i did want to continue this year and to just see what happens with falling pg.

My advice to you, as a person in the same boat, is too firstly sit down and talk to your DP/DH and get his point of view on the situation. You really have to both aggree on wether its the right time to start trying for #2. Then ask yourself which is the right decision for us.

I am not sure how old you are exactly. I am 22, 23 in july next year and i see plenty of time for me to study. As much as i want to just go and get it over and done with i know i can do the baby thing and then go back to it when my kids are in school.

You can do the same thing. You really need to look right into it all. Call your local uni. Find out wether the course you are interested in is avail in F/T, P/T or external. Look into day care for bubs. Etc etc.....

It is a really big and confusing decision. But in the end you will know what it the right one too make....

If you ever need to talk or ask any questions, i am here. You are also more than welcome to add me to your contacts if you have MSN. You can find my email addy in my profile...

Good Luck with it all!!

Hi there Tash,
I feel that I am going through a similar dilemma to you.
DS is 2.5 and I am soooo keen for a sibling for him. HOWEVER... I have just done the first year of my nursing degree this year, and I LOVE it, and cannot wait till I am a qualified nurse.
So... if I decide to have #2 in the next few years, it will disrupt my studies, making it take twice as long, and it will be longer before I can work, and I wont be able to work FT as the #2still wouldnt be in school yet.
Yet, if I decide to study and work and put off #2, then when will I ever get around to it? And by the time I can have #2 I will have to stop working anyway (when I would have just barely started) and there will be a bigger age gap between DS and #2 than I would have wanted...

So... I really dont feel that I am in a position to offer advice, except that you need to weigh up all of the pros and cons, and discuss with your partner what the best option would be.

Goodluck with everything, I hope you can come to a solution that makes you happy!

HEy Tash

I am 22, im a single mum of 3 children (aged 3, 21 months and 5.5 months) And i plan to go back to work full time mid next year (Defence Force) (Dh and i plan to be back together by that time) in which is going to become a SAHD. I love my children having playmates, and having one was neevr a choice for us, we are considering having a fourth in years to come.

Ultimately it is up to you... Good luck in making the choice. Go with your heart.