Just When I thought...

Just when I thought I was okay...
I realised that I may never be okay.

On the train returning from the city on Sunday. A gorgeous woman breastfeeding her small baby... I watched her and bravely thought how this time next year I will be doing that again. I really believe I will so I felt quite okay. I even very perilously thought how okay I was around babies. I mean I see them ALL the time. I never feel jealous or envious. I just think - "gorgeous baby lucky Mama".

Just when I had that thought as I watched the Mama absentmindedly flick through a magazine and pop a cherry into her mouth my DD 4 climbed off her seat beside me and crossed the aisle. She sat in front of the Mama and the baby and asked if she could touch her head. The Mama said "of course" and I watched Lucy's soft hand caress the fuzzy head of "Sarah" the baby... I felt a PANG in my chest but corrected myself.
Then my DD 2 followed in her sisters steps and did the same. The vision of Evies pudgy little hand so gently touching the baby almost felt painful. I felt a LUMP in my throat.
Then my gorgeous son 6 said, "Mama that baby is beautiful - can I say hello to her too." The sight of my very SNAG 6 year old loving that baby was just too much.

I put on my sunglasses as the tears just overwhelmed me. I couldnt' stop crying. I couldn't stop imagining my babies that never got to be stroked and cuddled and cooed at by their siblings. I saw how beautiful they were with her and how gently they talked to her.
My husband understood and moved seats to cuddle me. I soon "got it together" and I dont' think anyone noticed...

However, I realised at that moment what I always knew.
I will never be over it.
I will never be over the pain and agony that I have felt at the babies we have said goodbye to.

:frown: i know :(

:

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However, I realised at that moment what I always knew.
I will never be over it.
I will never be over the pain and agony that I have felt at the babies we have said goodbye to.

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i feel like this too- it's christmas and there's kids and babies galore. I don't know what else to say.

But know that us girls on BB feel your pain, and i mean really feel it.

:hugs:

Oh Deb
I am so sorry, I really don't think there is anything I can say that will make you feel any better. Your children sound beautiful, how proud you must be of them. We are all here for you. hugs

Thanks guys, it was just one of those moments that get you... :hug:

Deb I don't have words to fix how you felt but the fact that you have expressed so eloquently what most of us in here feel makes it better for all of us.

You are a beautiful strong woman & obviously a wonderful mother to have raised such gorgeous compassionate & gentle children.

And I so truly hope your dream becomes fufilled soon.

Deb I too cried whilst reading that, as I lost my nagel baby on Dec 13th 04, which is also Dh's b'day...
I never felt such raw, heart breaking pain in all of my days...

I too looked at others preg, with new babies & wondered would I ever be blessed with another child.....

The unknowing is the hardest part of life... Not knowing what's around the corner...

Bug hugs !!!

Thanks for the kind words - how lucky are we to have such wonderful support. It's nice to know that there is alway someone who can truly understand how you feel. I am sorry that you do, but it's nice that we can prop each other up.
It did feel so so raw to watch them with that baby... It's stuck with me...
I am so fortunate to have the beautiful kids I have been blessed with.
I do know there will be more and that one day I will watch my children with their brother or sister. :hug:

Oh, Deb that post just broke my heart. I know the pain you describe. Some days that is the hardest part for me too - thinking about my little DD and praying that one day she will have a little brother or sister of her own. Especially when I watch her with her baby cousins.

Big hugs sweetie. You really are one special woman. I don't know where BB would be without you. :hug:

Dear Flowerchild

I am a mother to angel baby, but in the future, when I am a mother to an earth baby, I hope with all my might that I can be a mother like you.

Spring Angel

Oh Deb :hugs:

Its so cruel that these things always seem so "in your face". You are right, it will never go away. Your babies will always be in your heart and you are allowed to hurt over them for the rest of your life. Even when your next baby comes along, you will probably still feel that sadness when your children stroke that babies head, all that does is show that even though they are not with you physically your love for them is just as strong as all of your children.

Love, Mel

Your earth babies are the most beautiful children. You should be so proud of them and how they have been raised.

While it is easy to make me cry (and more so at the moment) you explained beautifully how I feel. I can watch other children and love spending time with them, but there are moments when your heart breaks wondering what could have been. And then you pick yourself up and carry on ... knowing they are still with you, just not in the way you want.

You will have that baby soon, and having seen the gentleness of your beautiful children you will rejoice in watching them embrace their new sibling while your angel babies send you love from above.