Not like their dad...

Hi,

Just got back from a family Christmas function for DH's side of the family. Was prepared to see all the nieces and nephews and the night was reasonably ok. What I didn't expect to make me sad was the comments to the other couples as to how much the children looked like their father/grandfather etc.

Even if everything goes well, no-one will ever say that one of my children will look like my DH or his side of the family (we are using a donor). Maybe the chldren will act like DH or his family, but that will be it. And I hadn't really thought about it until tonight.

DH and I talked about it on the way home - he hadn't really taken in the comments, he was haing more fun wrestling with the boys. He said that as long as the kids acted a bit like him, that would be enough.

It's funny - when you get over one hurdle, the next pops up in it's place.

My thoughts are with anyone that's having a really bad night tonight. Bring on the New Year!

Every child is a precious gift.. and yes - they'll be like your DH in more ways than one I'm sure! Try not to feel down about it.

It reminds me of a conversation I had with friend. For years the going joke was that I wanted to find a black man and have chocolate babies! This friend said to me, very seriously, that the babies wouldn't look like me, and I wouldnt' love them as much! WTF??! I was shocked!

Anyway... I ended up marrying an asian! hehe. And my son doesn't really look like me.. I guess there are some things that are like me (the bits that make him less asian.. hehe.. but nothing specific) but he couldn't be a more loved little man, and it doesn't worry me a bit that he doesn't look like "my" son.

I guess what I'm saying is even biological children don't necessarily look like one or both of the parents, so don't feel too badly about it. There's plenty more things for kids to inherit than what is passed on through genes.

Good luck with your TTCing, I hope it's successful for you!

Hi Liz,

Thanks for giving me a reality check and making me realise that not every child is going to look like - or even act like - their parents regardless of whether there is a biological link or not. I think I just felt hammered because this same statement kept on being said over and over again.

I'm glad that you have a baby that is absolutely adored! Hopefully I will have the same soon. And I am very lucky that I have a both a husband and a very good friend that are happy to go down this path to create this special little child.

Still finding this Christmas one of the hardest I've had in a long while. I'm so glad I stumbled across this forum.

Once again, thanks.

Hi Gargy,
I belong to a site on egg donation as we are heading down that path and this topic had certainly come up. But there are a few women on that site who have children from egg donation that look just like them and get comments from people about how their child looks like them. So you never know, that could happen to DH.
and Liz is so right, genetics is only a small part of being a parent, there is too much other good important stuff to worry about genetics too much. Sounds like your DH will have lots of fun being a dad.

Hi Anney,

Yeap, DH was definitely having fun with two nephews wrapped around his ankles for most of the night! :D

DH has accepted that the genetic link will only be a small factor. I thought I had too, but obviously I need to work through it a bit more...;)

Do you know if there are any helpful sites for people going down the sperm donation path?

Hi Gargy,
Just wanted to say that my son was from my 1st marriage, and was almost 2 by the time DH came into our lives.
You would not believe the similarities they share... not to look at, but many other things.
If you look at them sleeping, its as if they're made up of the same genetics - they both sleep with their arms behind their heads, they both grind their teeth, and they both make the same noise when they're asleep.
Its like looking at the same person watching them kick a soccer ball, and when they talk they both have the same mannerisms.... we have people say to us on a really regular basis that its scary how much they are alike...
Last night we went to a Christmas party where there were quite a few people there we had never met before, and at least 3 times I had people come up to me and say things like, " Gee your son looks like his dad, you didn't get much of a look in there!" - Luke's real dad is of English decent and DH now is Sicilian..... so who knows???!!!
Luke has so many of DH's traits its amazing..... I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now, but I know you will get through, its just so hard..... yet another hurdle that most people will never have to comprehend!!!
Your DH sounds like he has a fantastic attitude.. what a wonderful man he sounds like he must be!!!:hug:

Gargy, I'm forever being toled how much my DD looks like her dad, or my sister, or her dad's sister, or even her grandma! I rarely get told she looks like me at all!

On the other hand, I've had people mistake other peoples kids for mine, esspecially my nephew, and they've told me how much he looks like me!

The same thing has happened alot to my friend who had a baby before she and her fiance got together and had another baby, and people always tell him how much his older son looks like him

My ds#1 looks like my dad, too a tee, but my dh is not his dad. my 2nd and 3rd child look like dh's side of the family. but ds#1 gets told that he looks just like dh.. people have their own perceptions of children looking like parents/grandparents shoudl look like (does that make sense??) So i wouldnt worry about it, they could grow up and look just like you, and nothing like dh or il's.

HTH

Hello Gargy,
I am like Liz, my Dh is Asian, (I too only ever looked at black men...) My Dh is dark also, but he is not our first daughter's Bio father (he was same nationality though).
Our 2 girls are identical, I always am told how the girls look nothing like me but both look identical to DH... I just agree, it's noone else's business anyways.

I have been overseas with DD#1 at the age of 2 & asked if I was her nanny!? I just laughed & said no she's my daughter!

My Mum takes all her grandkids out & ppl stare as opur girls have thick dark hair, darker skin & are Asian looking, my nephew is as white as can be & totally blonde, his sister is a red head & my other niece is a plae blondie!!

Ppl always look & ask if they are all adopted or related!!! I ahve no idea why it matters to strangers or what affect it has on their lives, but when DH & I are together with the kids, ppl always stop us to comment!

If I am out with the girls you can guarantee if I meet someone whom doesnt know me/us they will always ask what nationality are the kids Father!???

Honestly, there are many more things in life to concern ourselves with. Enjoy your gonna be the kick A$$edest Parents ever!!!!!!

Goodluck to you firstly I wish you all the very best and much happiness on your journey to grow a beautiful family.

We have a DS 13 adopted @13 months -so many people who don't know say how much he looks like DH - we just nod politely.Even ones who do know say it - they forget.He has many halfsiblings (some we have never met) with same mother (diff Father) but bare one they look nothing alike at all.

Like Jacinta said - It isn't about biological traits it is about being a parent.I have seen many children who are gentically their mo/fa who look nothing alike either. In some mixed families the dominant gene (say dark hair and gorgeous dark eyes) can come out in some of kids and caucasian in others.

I caught up with a blonde friend at christmas carols (hadn't seen for years).Her little boy and one daughter were nothing like her (but more like their dad -Italian) The other daughter was blonde/fair like her. But none of them looked like siblings.Another little girl their friend actually looked more like her - I was confused and asked how many children she had and which were hers (the 4 were hanging around her).



I guess sometimes we can see a little bit of lots of people in nieces/nephews etc.We have twin DS by IVF (fraternal) and MIL says that one looks like the my side of family - not DH (her own son) and everyone else says spitting image of DH.It is in eye of beholder.

OOOh this reminds me of a story I was told at the work Christmas party on Friday.
A guy I work with has a sister whom married a guy from Libya, they lived in Aust for 3 yrs TTC & it never happened they went to Libya to live & within 6 mths she was expecting, she didnt tell her family as they'd want her to come home to Aust & have the baby, so she called once the baby was born & all was OK, it was a little girl, whom was dark skinned, haired & eyeed & looked nothing like the plae blonde haired blue eyed Mother...
Many years of trying for another & nothing, they then returned to Australia to live & 12 years after the first child she was pregnant again, she again had a little very dark baby girl, who again looked nothing like her... 3 yrs later she birth a boy whom is as pale as her, has deep blue eyes & mousey blonde/brown hair!
There is no rule in what a baby will look like!!!

My sisters hubby is very pale, blonde hair & blue eyes & his brother is olive complexion with almost black haor & blue/grey eyes, same parents whom originated from England!!!!

i have 3 sisters and 2 brothers, me and 2 of my sisters and both my brother are really skinny, pale, blue/green eyes and either blond or strawberry blond hair. I have one sister, who is now 15, who is curvaceous, brunette with brown eyes. Looks nothing like the rest of us!! She was jealous of us with our skinny bodies, whereas i was jealous of her curves - i was called a surfboard thru school, as i was so flat... so 5 of us all look the same, and my sister Emma is nothing like any of us.