i want to be excited but im not

some of you may remember the shock and disapointment i felt when i fell pregnant with baby #4.i am booked in to have HARRY on the 18th and i honestly am not feeling all that excited.i wish i did,believe me.i love being a mummy to my 3 beautiful children but i just dont think i am going to cope with 2 babies and 2 older boys,i know that part of my problem is that i like to have control of each situation that i come across on a daily basis such as the house work,giving each of my children the attention and love they individually need and deserve and making sure that my lovely husband comes home to an organised and happy household.i just think that it is going to be a struggle to even get a shower in the morning,or supervise both babies all the time.i am really scared and i dont want to go through with any of it,not that i have much choice.anyone else feel or felt like this and found that it wasnt half as tough as they thought it would be?
i sound so selfish,i am very lucky i know to be able to produce these georgous little children that are mine but how can i just stop and change the way i feel,i have been hoping throughout my pregnancy that i would come around and fall in love with the idea of having another child but it just has not happened!time is running out,i have 9 days to pull myself together.
i know that some of you are going to suggest giving less of myself to the unimportant stuff like the house work but i cant do that,a tidy organised home helps me take the next step forward,i cant stand living in chaos.if i feel im falling behind at home i cant cope well with anything else.i am not supper rediculously clean,but i need to get the impotnant things done like the washing,beds,floors and kitchen and bathrooms tidy.
my 2 older boys could definantly pull there weight,they are rather lazy and untidy,but i have created that by allowing it to happen.i have tried to change things by ofering pocket money and wall charts with rewards etc but it never lasts long cos they just cant be bothered,dh is better than he used to be as he can see that there is always too much for me to handle on my own and with 4 children comes more work.he is not domestic by any standard but is always willing to help with the kids needs and demands to free me up to do other things.
anyway,i am not sure what the purpose of my post is other than to finally get it off my chest and hopefully here from some of you who have had similiar feelings and experiences and outcomes.
nikki

Ok well I'm going to go against the grain. Do what you need to do to make you feel comfortable. If that means taking control of EVERYTHING then thats what you need to do. You know how I feel, and I want you to know that you have support around you. I don't just think you can do this I KNOW you can. And its going to be tough at times (I'd be a fool to say its going to be smooth sailing), but you are a pretty top chic, and if anyone can handle it I think you can. Something that might help is to sit down and right a list of all the things you are in control of and focus on them?

If you need to vent at anytime I'm here matey. And if relaxing isn't doing anything for you then get busy if thats what you need to do... No two people are the same... and only you know what you need.

Can you get someone to come and help out family wise? Maybe they can come and do a big clean for you? Or maybe pay someone to come in?

Sending you lots of hugs!

*mwa*
Cailin

Nicole I just wanted to give you a big hug. It really will all work out for the best. A lot of what you're feeling could be the pregnancy itself taking it's toll, with fatigue etc. I don't think there's much that you can do at this point except wait it out. I understand your concern about coping, but you may find it easier than you thought. Try not to worry too much about the future - take it day by day for now.

Nikki, I agree with Cailin - if a clean house is that important, clean the house. I'm sure you will settle into a routine with four children, just as you did with three, and just because you can't give your children as much as you want doesn't mean your husband will return home to a disorganised and unhappy house.

As for the elder lads, you can just tell them to either keep their rooms clean or keep the door shut - that way you'll know not to go in and freak out about it! Also, they will start doing things for themselves then. Even with boys, there's a limit to the squalour in which they'll live! Also, can you have "tidy boxes" in the sitting room? - you put their stuff in it that they leave out and every weekend they go through it, anything they leave in there on a Monday morning is thrown away. That's what my parents used to do! (Peed me off because they'd mess up my space and system entirely just to throw stuff out, but it's a good system for anywhere BUT a bedroom.)

Don't worry about sounding selfish - I would never think you were thinking this to be "mean" or anything like that - everyone has things that concern them and with me it is also how I'll get out of bed in a morning even with one child! (Also when I can finally go back to eating what I want... not that I want the baby to wean straight away, but it would be nice to not have everyone on at me about my food!)

Hi Nikki
I agree with the others,,,you are a great mum, and i am sure that things will work themselves out. I too am facing a 4th child, and wondering how to manage, but I know that my other boys will just have to adjust,,,or adjust to me throwing away what they wont pick up lol.
It also sounds like your hubby is quite capable of helping out when he can, so I would take full use of his help whenever you can.
Best of luck hun, and I am sure you will get things running smoothly in no time :D

Nicole, I was really apprehensive when I was expecting number 4, wondering how I was going to cope when DH went back to work and there were times I wished it wasn't happening but it did and I gave birth to a beautiful little boy. As soon as I saw him I knew everything would be ok and it was hard at first but DH had 4 weeks off work which helped me sooo much.
The first day he went back to work I was petrified and kept saying how am I going to do this but it was fine, I coped and actually found having 4 children quite easy as they all played together.
I am now expecting number 6 and thinking the same, how am I going to cope but I have 2 at school, so there will only be 4 at home for the majority of the day and then when Dh get homes he helps out and we work as a team and everything is easy.
There are days I lose the plot and things are really hard but I love having a big family and I am sure that you will cope fine and enjoy having 4 children.
All The Best
Michelle

Hi Nikki!

I'm absolutely sure you will do an excellent job!! You are most certainly a supermum! Just know that we're all here for you - especially Cindy, Tracey and I who will come around and help you whenever you need it!!
I know I've have been very emotional this p/g and felt overwhelmed at times so I can only imagine what your going through already looking after 3 kids (and dh of course) and you do such a fabulous job of it!
I'm sure you'll get little Harry in your arms and you'll feel a lot better!