Tantrums!

Ok, really getting fed up with this now! I hope i am not alone.

Lily's tantrums are driving me nuts. For eg. Today she wants some of Dh's milkshake, so he gave her a bit. Then she started screaming, hi-pitched, blood curdling scream. Started flabbing about and grab the drink and threw it on the floor. It is like she thinks everything should be hers and hers alone. This happens several times a day with food, drink, anything that either Dh or I have. She even take away Charlie's dummy because she can't have one. (She can't have one because she keeps biting off the teat part in one day and we cant afford to buy one every day. That's also another problem because she doesnt sleep well without a dummy.) Yelling doesnt work, talking calming doesn't work. I even resorted to smacking her once(which i totally hated) and that didn't even work. I've tried bribary, EVERYTHING! Nothing works on her. She is as stubborn as DH! What do i do? I cannot reson with her because she just doesnt understand. She does know what she does is wrong, i can tell but she just wont give up until we give in. It is especially annoying in the car when all she does is scream and whinge and i cant concentrate! I swear this is why she wont talk, she loves to annoy me with all this whinging and screaming!!!

When my kids have tantrums, i just stick them in their room until they calm, and then give it 1 min. They've actually stopped having a many tantrums, because they dont like being put in their rooms (they dont have toys in there) Like you, i was at my wits end - a 3.5yo, and a 22mo starting the terrible 2's...

Sorry i dont have more suggestions to help you out - but thats what worked for me.

Oh yeah, i have also tried putting her in ehr room but have stopped because she will scream so much that she will almost pass out and has trouble breathing after.

Its just an attention thing, you have to not give her the attention. Did it start around the time Charlie came along??

No actually this has been going on since she was 1. It's been slowly getting worse and worse.

Ok here are a few life savour tips for tantrums...

You need to be a mind reader, bilingual communicator, and foresee the future, a touch of mary poppins and you'll be right :)

Sooooo the first thing is to foresee tantrums and prevent them... so if you think she doesn't like sharing before you offer her something say Mummy and Lily share this drink... if lily can't share lily can't have any drink... then ask her again Lily share drink? And once you know she understands then give her the drink...

If you have a situation that you know could end in a tantrum then try and make the situation more appealing... I know that sounds strange. But for example if getting out of the bath is a nightmare instead of saying "Its time to get out of the bath" "Say can you come and help mummy pick some Pj's which ones do you want?" etc And if its something we don't want to do like go inside say "Its time to go in should we hop like a kangaroo or bounce like a monkey" (or be a train or whatever). Give them a choice though so they feel they have the power. The whole point with tantrums is they feel like they have no power or they can't communicate which also adds to the power, and not knowing how to deal with the emotions they feel as a result. So if you give them choices in things that don't really matter it gives them back the power.

I know it sounds bizarre but I'm telling you it works :) Be inventive and have fun :)

Happy kids make happy mums ;) And no matter what don't lose your cool when they tantrum as us losing our cool is no different to them having a tantrum so in a way its kinda teaching them how to deal with their emotions.

*hugs*
Cailin

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if its something we don't want to do like go inside say "Its time to go in should we hop like a kangaroo or bounce like a monkey" (or be a train or whatever).

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Ok, with this, i have actually done similar to that and i dont think she understands what i am saying. She just stands there shaking her head saying no no no. Most the time i think she just thinks i'm talking *****, lol. How do i get around that?

What if you were to try doing it first or maybe play chasee/hide and seek or something she does get? It might be something she doesn't get just yet but she will eventually...

*hugs*
Cailin

I do the "choice" one with Xander - instead of saying "its time for bed, off we go" i ask him, do you want to walk to bed, or do you want me to carry you and give you big cuddles??" (Most of the time he walks LOL) but it gives him a choice, but i get what i want :) Happy kid, happy mum!!

Hugs to you Tegan. It must be especially hard with a baby as well.

Jack has started tanties too but I'm really lucky he hasn't had any bad ones yet (knock on wood). With Jack I can usually distract him out of it. But if that doesn't work or I don't get the chance, I tell him that he can have a cuddle when he stops crying - usually it takes about 30 seconds and then he stops crying and comes for a cuddle. In the meantime I tell him that I'm ignoring him until he stops crying and I do ignore him. As I say he doesn't have bad tanties (yet LOL) so this might not help you.

I Really hope it gets better for you. I know Christy has had success with individual PPP counselling when Matilda was tantruming, maybe you could look into that?

My DD is the same age as yours and her tantrums get pretty bad. I find the only thing that works when she gets going is time out to allow her to calm down. She usually only needs a couple of minutes and she knows now that when she goes into time out she is there to calm down so she does so almost immediately now (but hasn't always been that way she's also wound herself up to the point of hysteria but not anymore). But you said you tried that and it doesn't work....
I agree with both the other suggestions too - giving them a choice - doesn't matter if it's the most menial thing ever they still respond to the fact you allow them to express an opinion. And DISTRACTION! If I sense she's about to chuck a tanty I can often difuse it by offering her a snack, or singing a song .... anything at all that will take her mind off whatever it is for even 5 seconds is sometimes enough to head off a full blown screaming match.
I hear ya on the dummy thing - mine's a thumbsucker and 3 month old DS is trying to suck his thumb and she has the hide to march up to him and yank his hand out of his mouth and say "naughty Toby!" How rude!

OMG.... You have described my DS to a tee! He is exactly the same as Lily! I dont know what to do with him either, if he keeps going for a while i put him in time out, till he calms down, i distract him, offer food, drink, toy, thomas the tank (his fav atm) offer to put on movie..... in the end i have to give in or i will totally loose it. I am trying to get him out of sucking thumb... No good. Trying to get him out of bottles.... No good either. What am i going to do in a few weeks time when i have another one? OMG i need my head read! LOL.
So sorry sweets, if you have tried everything i suggested i dont know what your going to do but im keeping my eye on this thread it will be interesting!

Jen

Oh I know how hard this can be Tegan. Until Jacob could talk, we had some doozies. He was very frustrated at not being able to be understood.

I think the main thing I can suggest is to be consistent in your approach. We always give Jacob a warning, i.e. "do that once more and X will happen" and then follow through. E.g. if he throws a toy, we tell him "We don't throw Jacob, if you throw your toy once more, it will be taken away for the rest of the day". It took a long time for him to understand this, but he does now! Distraction can be a good tool - for a while. We still have times where distraction will work for Jacob, but not always!

We too give Jacob time out, but again, only after we have warned him that that is what will happen. We also ask him to say sorry and give a cuddle and kiss (so that he understands that he can do something constructive to 'fix' whatever happened) and then MOVE ON. I think that's the best thing - not to dwell on the mistake or bad behaviour for the rest of the day and go on to a totally different activity........

I'm not sure this has really helped Tegan - hang in there!