the guilt of contraception

Okay, most of the time I think I can handle infertility feelings pretty well, but this one thing has been bothering me lately. Both DH and I look back with a certain degree of guilt and regret that we were ever foolish and naive enough to use contraception... although DH probably handles it better than I do, he just kind of wishes he hadn't done it and then gets on with things, whereas I seem to not be able to get over it as easily as that. (We have multiple factor - 4 factors - infertility).

I suppose what I hate the most is that MIL pushed really hard for me to use the pill... which I never wanted to use. I only gave in to a short time on the pill, which was almost 3 years ago now, but my body has still not gone back to the pre-pill cycles that I had before I went on it. I am going to bare my ugly soul and admit that I feel quite a lot of anger towards her for insisting and pushing so hard for me to use the pill. (She even said to me just last month that I should go on the pill while I wait to have a laparoscopy, since then I would know when I am going to get my period... why would I do that, I tell you, if the pill stuffed my cycles up more than anything else I have ever done??)

Anyway, I just wanted to vent and tell people that sometimes I wonder if our use of contraception early in marriage prevented the only pregnancy we could ever have... and I feel regret and guilt over it. I'm not looking for comfort, I am just wanting to get it out that this is how I feel.

Thanks for reading.

Shellshell,

I think your feelings are totally normal. After ttc for 1.5yrs and two losses I really felt angry that I had ever taken the pill and felt it was the sole cause for my fertillity problems (one dr told me I had lazy eggs - from being on the pill for so long!). We dont realise how much these sorts of things can really affect our health and well being. I dont think I will ever go back on the pill, and while its ok for some women, for some of us it really does put a spanner in the works.

Im praying you find some answers soon, and that you have a miracle in your belly before you know it. Take care of yourself sweets, we cant change the past - but ook ahead and with a little faith things will work themselves out...

Sending you lots of hugs,
Lisa

Thanks Lisa.

I think the hardest part is that I have never dealt with the issue with my MIL. DH and I have talked it through between ourselves, but I have never felt brave enough to bring it up with my MIL and tell her how I feel about the whole issue, and really - tell her that I don't ever want to hear her telling me to go on the pill again!!

I suppose I would really like for her to admit to me that it was a bad / wrong decision for me to go on the pill, and that the pill is not the "be-all" and "end-all" easily fix solution for everything. And I want her to realise that if the doc she sent me to to get it (who she thinks really highly of) had asked the appropriate questions, he would have worked out that the pill wouldn't have been suitable for me - and some of this could have been avoided.

Yes, I can't change the past... but boy, if we ever have children, they will get the run-down from us about the "evils" of contraception!! LOL :)