Loss of 1st child at 37+ weeks

Hi, I am new to this forum and to the bellybelly site. We lost our first child Phoebe to stillbirth (cord accident) just over 4 weeks ago. I just wanted to hear from others having been in similar positions to I guess reassure me that what I am feeling isn't wrong or is normal. I cry every day, think of her every minute every hour, but yet feel like I am in an emotional bubble where my emotions can't get in to be let out, almost as if I am watching this from the outside. I don't know if its because Phoebe is my first child and I didn't have her before and I don't have her now.

I don't know its all a bit too much to put into words, I had all these intentions of knowing what to write but now my mind is empty as is my heart.

Klee- :hugs: I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious daughter, Phoebe.
It is so so heartbreaking to hear of another angel growing wings.

There are not many words of comfort but I found support from friends I made here and other loss sites helped because they 'got it'.

I didn't feel so alone and I also saw that I could get through it a moment at a time, a day at a time.

As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only. Don't let anybody suggest that you do your grief work on their timetable.It will be a very rough time for you.

It is very normal what you are feeling - the emptiness -there aren't enough words or really any words to describe.There isn’t a word big enough to describe the sadness of the loss of a baby.

I have learnt so many things – that a heart can shatter into a million pieces in blink of eye but the everyone still expects you to pick up your own pieces and get on with it eventually. Some days you do and sometimes though you do the best you can – either way there is an aching heart leading the way.


take care of yourself

:heartbeat: Trish
"~♥~ DD Charlotte Rose 1/9/04 26wks ~♥~"
Samuel & Joel God's Gifts 1st July 06

Klee - I am so sorry for the loss of Phoebe :hugs: It is hard to explain the path you are on (or that some of us have travelled before you) but we can support you through this time.

There are good days and bad days .... eventually the bad days get less and the good days more frequent but you never forget your baby. And the bad days sneak up on you when you least expect it. You are only 4 weeks into your grieving. Be patient with yourself and allow as much time as you need to process Phoebe's death. Don't ever feel like you should be "over it". You are never over it, you just deal with it.

There are a beautiful bunch of women who have experienced a late pregnancy loss (as well as beautiful women who have not experienced that path but still give me amazing support) on BB. Their support has helped me through my darkest moments and they continue to give me amazing support as I negotiate the emotional minefield of this pregnancy. I hope you can find the support you need at this time here with us.

Oh Klee honey, I am so sorry for the loss of your darling little girl Phoebe. What a wonderful name you gave her.

I lost my son Harrison (my first child also) at 36w2days on 6 October last year. I think it was a few months before I actually went an entire day without disolving into a river of tears. It hurts so bad, I know how that pain feels and I am here to support you with your pain. I didn't have a cord accident, but other ladies here have, and I am sure that as soon as they see your post they will gather around you and help you try to make sense of this tradgedy.

As Michelle and Trish said, grief doesn't have a timetable and it is unpredictable. What you are felling is totally normal, I truly understand how you feel when you said you have an empty heart. My heart aches everyday for my little Harry, I don't think that will ever go away. What I can tell you though is that the intense grief that you are experiencing will lessen a little with time. You will all of a sudden realise that you have made it through a day without tears. It doesn't mean that you have forgotten Phoebe, she is your daughter and you will never forget her.

Just thinking back I remember how much of a blur those first few weeks were. Feeling like you are in an emotional bubble is a very accurate way to explain it.

Just know that we are all here for you and will take you under our wings and help you walk this painful path.

With love and friendship and a huge :hug:

Spring Angel

Dear Klee

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter Phoebe. I havent lost a baby in late pregnancy but have many little angels up there so I cant even begin to understand your pain but I hope I can help you find comfort and freindship.

As Spring and the other girls have said time is what you need, allow yourself time to grieve and cry this is so very normal and something that we have to do. You will wake up one day and smile and cry tears of happiness at the memory of Phoebe but take the time and be so very good to yourself.

I do hope so much you can join us and inturn we can help you, I only wish I didnt have to writing to you but as we are here we can help. My prays are with you and you DH at this time.:hug:
all my love Nat xxx

Klee - you are already stronger than I could imagine myself to be in the same situation. I am so deeply sorry for what happened and that you lost your lovely baby.
Is there a health psychologist attached to your local hospital you could speak to, if you are not already undergoing counselling? Counselling is ace when you find a good counsellor who can provide you with some constructive avenues of thought.
If you feel a bit detached from it sometimes, don't feel bad, just go with it. There are other times when you will feel like you're being ripped apart...maybe the detached feeling is a way for you to give yourself a break, you need that in order to go on and function, perhaps. It's worth talking to someone about it, to get feedback about how you are going to move on from here. And you will :hugs:

Klee I am so sorry your precious little Phoebe died. What an awful, awful tragedy. I hope you find the support and comfort you need to get through these next weeks, months and years.

Dear Klee,

I am truly sorry that you have to experience the pain of losing your little girl, Phoebe.

It has been 8 months since I lost my little girl, Lucia to a cord accident and I still think about her every day. I don't believe that will ever stop. There are times though when I think about what she would be like on her first birthday, who she would look like and what it would be like to hold her and I can smile without disolving into tears. Today is not one of those days!

I found a counsellor who had lost a child and had the same values and beliefs as myself and she has been invaluable. I was able to share my 'shameful' thoughts and not feel judged for my anger.

You love Phoebe and will continue to love her for the rest of your life, and that hurts soooo much because you can not physically show her.

Like the others have said, do not expect too much of yourself to be in a different place. From what I am learning, this is a very long journey that isn't a straight path. It is hard to recover from a broken heart and you are in a very tender stage of physical exhaustion and emotional distress, still processing that Phoebe has gone.

Please feel free to express every raw emotion you have, here at BB. As I have found, they really are wonderful, courageous women who will only support you in your grief.

Again, I am deeply saddened you precious little girl has died.

Lynnette x :hugs:

Dearest Klee,

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter, Phoebe. I read your post and have sat here crying with pain and anger as I know the pain you are going through and I am angry that another family must now travel this painful path that I too am on. Your pain feels so close to my heart, as I lost my first baby, my precious, perfect Cooper at 37 weeks to a cord accident last November. The pain is still so raw for me and it just broke my heart to hear that someone else is going through the same pain. A cord accident, they say is rare but numbers and statistics mean nothing to us now. The cord that is supposed to give our babies life, took it. Why me? Why you? Why anyone? I am still trying to find the answers.

I just want to hug you and tell you that you are not alone. Feel whatever you are feeling, cry whenever you want to cry and scream whenever you want to scream, be angry at the world - this is all 'normal'. I just remember what I was like 4 weeks after I lost Cooper. I was in a huge black hole and didn't know how to get out. You hate the world for taking your precious and perfect baby. You are angry that you did everything right to protect your child but you just couldn't save them. You blame yourself because you think, how did this happen. Deep down I know that there is nothing that I could have done, and there is nothing that you could have done to save Phoebe, but I still blame myself every single day. I guess that is part of being a mother, a childless mother.

I won't lie, the pain hurts like nothing else you have felt before, and nothing can fix the pain. I still cry every single day for Cooper and wonder what would he look like, what would we be doing today, does he know how much I love him and miss him. I know that he does, because I know that he is still with me.......in my heart and dreams. Phoebe will continue to be with you forever in your heart and your dreams and she knows how special she is to have a beautiful mother who loves her so much.

The thing that hurts the most is that all those hopes and dreams that we have for our babies is gone. We will miss all of the 'firsts'. First step, first word, first birthday, first day of school, first boyfriend/girlfriend, first broken heart. The grief for our babies is something that will stay with us for the rest of our lives, it is not something that you 'will get over', you will not 'get better'. These are all the things that you will hear from people that unfortunately don't understand or can imagine (how could they) what we are going through. They say that the first year is the hardest, but there is no expiry date on the pain of losing a child and we will have this pain for a lifetime. People will move on in their life and you will be stuck in the deep hole that you think you can never get out. You will move on in life, but it is now a different life. The life of a grieving mother.

I am just so sorry for the loss of Phoebe but you have come to the perfect place. I know that I would not be where I am today without the beautiful and wonderful women in this thread. If you want to talk to me at any time, please feel free to email me - lynnsydney@hotmail.com

I am thinking of you, and sending you the biggest hug and I hope that you have lots of support around you to help you through this painful and heartbreaking path. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve in your own time.

We are all here for you, so please lean on us and we will help you through. Please take care :hug:

Luv & hugs
Lynn
xxxxxxxxxxxx

Klee - I am so sorry and saddened to read of the loss of your precious baby girl Phoebe.
No words can take away your pain... please just know that I and many others are here for you if and when you ever need to talk, or to vent.
:hugs:

Klee, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I hope you find some relief in sharing the burden of your pain.

Dearest Klee,

I wanted to share a poem with you, you may have already seen it. It gave me some comfort and I hope that it can bring you a little comfort as well. Phoebe knew you and you knew her, she had a wonderful 9 months being carried by her beautiful mummy.

Please don’t tell them you never got to know me
It is I whose kicks you will always remember,
I who gave you heartburn that a dragon would envy,
I who couldn't seem to tell time and got your days and nights mixed up,
It is I who acknowledged your craving for peach ice cream by knocking the cold bowl off your belly,
I who went shopping and helped you pick out the "perfect" teddy bear for me,
I who liked to be cradled in your belly and rocked off to dreamy slumber by the fire,
It is I who never had a doubt about your love,
It is I who was able to put a lifetime of joy into an instant
- Pat Schwiebert

Take care :hug:
Luv & hugs
Lynn
xxxxx

Oh Klee - I am so sorry to hear about your darling little Phoebe :hug: I really wish I could say something to take away your pain but I can't, noone can. What you feel right now is so many mixed emotions, none of them good ones. It is so normal to feel everything all at once and then suddenly it seems like you feel nothing at all. You have a broken heart, but one that cant be mended by anyone or anything.

I lost my son Nicholas at 36w1d, 6 and 1/2 months ago now, and I have to admit I still cry for him nearly every day. Nicholas was also my first and only child, although I didn't lose him to a cord accident, instead it was due to a blood disorder that I was unaware I had. Sometimes I can get through the day without crying at some point (I call those my "strong" days) but generally not. I constantly think about him and I constantly think all of the things Lynn mentioned, why why why / what if what if what if. And I still feel like you mentioned, alot of the time I just sit there thinking this is not real, its all a bad dream and I am going to wake up soon. I feel like I am not the same person I used to be and nor will I ever be again.

I cant say too much more after Lynn's post, everything she said echoes every single feeling and thought I have. You will find so much support in this thread and feel free to let your emotions out to us if you need to, without these wonderful women I have no idea where I would be right now - if anywhere. Sometimes it is my best outlet for these things as I find other people just dont and cant understand. I hate it each time someone else has to join this thread because I know the road they must travel, and sometimes it feels like that road has no end but I keep hoping that someday there will at least be a detour sign.

You have shown strength by posting in here, I remember my very first post (also about a month afterwards) and I was terrified. Feel free to say anything you like to us, feel free to let out any emotions you need and to vent all of your frustrations.

Please know that you, your family and Phoebe are in my thoughts and if you need anything at all we are all here for you :hugs:

Love Mel

Klee I am so sorry to hear of your loss, I can't possibly imagine what you are going through, but just wanted to let you know I'm another face in the sea of people around to support you.
I think all you can do at the moment is be true to yourself - say what you need to say, cry when you want to cry, be angry if that's what you want or even laugh when you feel you're ready too again. Don't feel you have to grieve, and finish grieving, by anyone else's time line. Do what you need to do to get through every day, and I believe you will get through every day, honey.
Love and prayers are with you, your family and Phoebe.
xox

Klee - I'm sooo sorry to hear of little Pheobe's passing. I cannot imagine what you are going thru I just wish I could fix it for you but then I would have to be God and I just can't do that - ITS NOT FAIR - you must feel so broken right now - there are no words i can offer but I can pass on a big :hug: hope it helps a little. Just cry sweetheart and feel everything you have to. Sending love and prayers to you and hubby - you will be in my thoughts.

Thank you to everyone for their replies, its disenchanting to hear that so many of you have gone through similar events, but also gives me hope in hearing that life somehow does get better, even if I can't or don't want to comprehend that at the moment.

Klee

Hi honey, I am glad that you came back. I only hope that we can bring you a little comfort so that you can survive this pain.

We are here anytime honey for whatever you need.

Take care, you are always in my thoughts.

luv Spring and the BB gang.