Still grieving and other family pregnancies

I lost my precious, perfect son Cooper on 28 November last year. I still miss him and cry for him every single day. I still don't understand how or why it happened but what I do understand is that it happened and that it hurts, hurts so much. We had struggled 2 years to conceive Cooper and were so excited about his arrival when at 37 weeks he was cruelly taken from us by the cord......................the cord that is supposed to him give life. What a design fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It has been 4 months, 2 weeks and 3 days since Cooper was born (yes he was Stillborn but still born, and perfect) and the pain is still so raw. Why when someone is so perfect are they taken from us????????????????????????????????????????????????

I found out a few weeks ago that my twin sister is pregnant. I felt that this was announced in a way that was not sensitive to our grief or struggle. But I guess until you have been through a loss of this magnitude you don't understand. She is still very early on in her pregnancy and while I wish her all the best and hope that she gets her screaming, pooing baby in her arms, how do I cope with it?????? I know it isn't anyone else's problem or fault that I struggle to fall pregnant and that I lost my perfect son but how I do I deal with it. I have had a few friends birth their babies not long after me (but they were pregnant at the same time) but I still haven't been able to see them or their babies because it is too hard. How can I see their baby when I don't have mine here????????? Cooper was perfect and healthy in every single way and was just beautiful.................................it was just the stupid cord!!!!!!!!

I just don't know how I am supposed to deal with my sister's pregnancy when I am still grieving the loss of my son and in a way I feel like my family should still be grieving.

How do I cope??????????????

Lynn, I feel for you in more ways than you know! My sil has just announced she is four months pregnant, with her second child, and like you sister it was announced in a less than tactful, respectful way! To top it, she will be due near my daughters birthday so it is likely that that side of the family will forget my daughter because she isn't here with us!
I have no answers on how to help deal with you sisters pregnancy, but I wanted you to know you are not alone, and what you are feeling is natural. It is so cruel that Cooper was taken from you, life is just unfair and cruel sometimes.
I hope you are feeling better and that the clouds lift soon.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))
Lol
Sarah

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. It was exactly 2 months before I lost Cooper..............I am so sorry. :hug: Let's hope that they have found each other and they play with each other peacefully.

Oh Sarah, I am so sorry that you too are going through this. I'm really am sorry.

I have heard that my sister's due date is 11 November (yet it hasn't been confirmed by doctors yet because it is still early). Cooper's first birthday is 28 November which is just over 2 weeks from her due date. I guess it is hard to deal with another pregnancy in the family but to think it is so close to Cooper's first birthday is so hard. What if she is over. Does Cooper not deserve his own time???????????????????????

Again I'm so sorry that you too are going through this. While it isn't nice to know that someone else is going through this, how do you handle it? Are you ok? I'm thinking of you :hugs:

:hug: I too wish you weren't going through this, but it is nice to know that I am not alone right now as much as all my friends understand, it is good to be able to 'talk' with someone else going through the same thing!!

I thought I was going mad, because I also felt Jemma deserved her own time, and yet it is unlikely she will be able to for the same reason that Cooper may not. But having said that I spoke my Mum the other day and she said something which made so much sense, she said that the people that forget our children aren't worth us going out of our way to help, those that remember are our true friends and family! Now if your sister and my sil are in labour on our special days then it would be understandable if they forgot for a few days, but if anyone else forgets they have no reason. I wanted one week for my daughter (we found out she had grown wings on the 27th, she was delivered on the 28th and her funeral was the 2nd) but that has been taken away. My DF says he thinks it'll be nice to have a new arrival around that time to remind us of the joy etc etc, but here I disagree because we will forever look at our nieces/nephews and think that Cooper/Jemma should be a year more advanced. I know with time it will hurt less, but I really wish they had allowed us to have our angels first birthdays in peace, to remember.

I also hope our two are playing nicely in the big playground, they deserve good company as much as we do! It is so unfair that our chidlren were ripped from us, but at least we have our own guardien angels watching over us, holding our hands and helping us though (not that I wouldn't trade that to have them in our arms where they belong!)

You asked how I am handling it, well now that I have calmed down I am coping a lot better. I still have a lot of issues to deal with but they are more personal than anything to do with the pregnancy. I still can't talk to her as I used to and I am not sure whether we will ever be as close friends as we were. I can't be angry with the little babe, but at the same time I hope that I have a little beanie growing inside me before it arrives, otherwise I am not sure how I will be able to cope with the arrival! I've had tears and anger, but I know I am a strong person and I will be the better one for not letting it eat me alive - however hard that is at times! I am not sure which web sites she accesses so I will leave it at that for now. I am happy they are pregnant, but also bitter because of the timing!

Anyway, I am sure we will get through this. If you ever need a shoulder I am here, you are welcome to email or contact me on MSN if you like as I sometimes battle to get onto the web site! :grouphug:

Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts, we are both strong and we will get through.

Lol
Sarah

Hi Lynn,

I have seen lots of your posts and you have responded to a few of mine and I am so sorry again about Cooper. I am relieved (yet sorry) to know how you are struggling with the birth of your friends babies as I thought I was being 'weak' and selfish for not desiring to have anything to do with my friends new additions. Around the time Lucia was born (with the cord around her neck) both of my SIL gave birth to live little girls. I was, and still am angry, and am constantly reminded of what my little girl would/should be doing right now. Fortunately for me, both of my sisters are finished with their family reproduction yet, I can't imagine how I would feel if they were to be having a baby around Lucia's birthday....betrayed maybe?

Have you spoken with your sister about how you are feeling? I'm struggling with how I am going to see my best friend's baby (I want to run and hide and never see her again!!!) so, seeing a sister, the pain would be magnified. I hope that when she sees her child and takes them home, she will try to imagine what you have gone through when you lost Cooper and had to leave the hospital without your beautiful boy in your arms. I hope this gives her more empathy. I just don't know how you are going to cope for the rest of your life. I'm hoping that over time, the pain of seeing my nieces (who I find hard to acknowledge) will fade and I will be able to look at them without deep sadness.

I know I haven't helped, but I can understand.

Sarah, I'm sorry also that you lost Gemma. It is such a traumatic thing to go through and then to be left with the wound of a mother's broken heart and deep, deep grief. I could never have imagined that sorrow hurt so much and lasted so long. I still cry every day over Lucia. I miss her so much.

I also disagree with your DF about the reminder of joy. I think it is the opposite, a reminder of your loss. Obvious to you what you don't have, and that is your precious little girl, when other's have their babies. I think my friend who is going to have her baby soon, thought that it would be a 'healing' thing to be pregnant together. I'm pregnant again and it hasn't lessened my anxiety over the possibility of seeing her with her little baby. I don't understand this myself, but when she has this little one I am going to force myself to go to the hospital (same one) to see her. I don't know what else to do...

I will be thinking of you both and praying for you.

Love Lynnette xx

Hey Lynnette,

I would love to know why we are all in this position, but I guess it is just another one of these questions we will never get an answer too! :hugs:

I am sorry you lost Lucia, I am sure she is with you now and with your new arrival -having chosen this babe specailly for you. It is so hard to have to face these other people, especially if they are insensitive.

I am hoping so much to be pregnant before my sil second one arrives, but we'll see what happens, that is totally out of my hands! I am happy they are pregnant, I would never want anyone to go through what we have, so I have to be happy!! But there are so many other issues to contend with which makes it extremely irresonsible of them to have a second child. That said it makes me so angry when there are people out there who want babies and who are in a stable position to have them, and then people can just pop them out without consideration. I guess I am bitter because there are people who deserve babies so much, and have them ripped from them. I miss Jemma terribly, and try to talk to her whenever I can, her memory book is now in England as I was evacuated out of Guinea earlier in the year and nearly had to leave it behind, so wanted it to be safe, but now I just wish it was here so I could finish it off on the days I miss her the most.

Anyway, I am sorry we all find ourselves in this position, but I guess it is all part of this awful journey we are on.

Good luck with the new bubs, I hope it helps ease the pain of seeing the other Mums. :hug: Just wish none of us had to go through this!

Hugs
Sarah

Lynn,
There are no words to say how deeply sorry I am that you lost your son Cooper, to the CORD. What was Coopers Due date? My Noah was due 10/12/06 Which is my Sisters birthday. We were all very excited that they might share a birthday. But now its just another reminder of what will never be. Like you my bab y may have died because of the Cord (not conclusive but definite possibility) it had any two vessels in a one cm section the rest had three vessels which is normal. We have also had difficulty concieving and maybe this is where a lot of your grief/ frustration/ anger and other feelings stem from I know I felt like people just didn't understand how difficult it had been for us to concieve all of our children. Those large age gaps weren't planned!!! We have never used contraceptives through our whole married life.

I have a slightly different take on this issue you see I feel sometimes like I haven't given my self enough time to grieve the loss of Noah. Because my next baby will be born before the first anniversary of his death. But at the same time I was overjoyed to be pregnant again straight away because I know how amazing this is for us with all our past problems .it really is very confusing. Sometimes I'm not sure why I am crying.

I think the greatest honour we can give to our babies is not to forget them and keep talking about them. I intend to include Noah as a brother in the birth notice of my next child. I know some will think this strange but really who cares. I believe that we are not so much in control of these things (conception) as we like to think we are. Please dont be to hard on your sister Im sure she never meant to hurt you in this way. But agree family could be more sensitive, because you do still need time to grieve it has only been a very short time since you son died. Can you talk to your sister and explain how you feel. maybe she will understand more than you think.
So sorry you have to go through all this stuff it really is unfair and you have been ripped off and it ok to feel this way and hopefully those close to you will understand just how hard it is to be in this situation.
I can see and hold other peoples babies sometimes and sometimes I can't and that's OK. and some babies I dont even want to see them as it upsets me too much and that's OK too . Be gentle with yourself. Are you TTC yet ?

Hugs to you and your family

Sarah - what your mum said is so true. If people do forget our angels, then we forget about them. Thank you for sharing with me how you are feeling, I really appreciate it. I hope that your TTC journey is short and sweet. If you want, please come over to the TTC after late loss. The girls there are wonderful and have been a pillar of strength for me.

Lynnette - I think betrayed is the right word. It is exactly how I feel. I spoke with my sister on Saturday about how I was feeling but she didn't really seem to care. She just said that I can't tell her what to do. While that is true, I just thought the timing of it all is wrong. But what can I do. I know that unless you are in this position then there is no way that you could understand, but I would have thought that my own sister would have had a little bit more sensitivity. Thank you for your words, I appreciate them.

Smiley - I am so sorry to hear about Noah and congratulations on your pregnancy. Cooper's due date was 19 December. I am so sorry to hear that you struggled to fall pregnant and then only to lose the miracle that you were carrying. It is heartbreaking isn't it? We definately know that it was cord accident as we saw the cord around Cooper's neck when he was born. I totally agree about talking about our babies. For me the most important thing is acknowledgement of Cooper as he was born and he is my son. Maybe that is why I am taking my sister's pg difficult but it feels like she hasn't and doesn't acknowledge Cooper because he is no longer here. I think there is nothing strange about including Noah on the birth notice of your next child. He is your son and should be included as a brother. Yes I am on the painful TTC journey again and again it is a struggle. Things are not going to plan so far so it is another thing to stress and worry over. I am wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy and would love to hear when you have that screaming, pooing baby in your arms.

Thanks girls for all your posts. I really do appreciate it. Take care & best wishes :hug:

luv & hugs
Lynn

Lynn, Maybe when your sister has her baby she will realize how you feel. Many of my friends that had babies either just before or just after I had Noah still have tears in their eyes when I talk about him and one actually told me that soon after it happened everytime she picked up her baby she thought of me and just cried. I think your right though most people just dont Understand unless they have been through it themselves.
We just loved "Stillborn but still born" It is so simple yet say it all really. We put it on Noah's cemetary plaque. We just wanted him to be acknowledged and some of our family didn't then and still don't talk about him and that really sucks and is so frustrating. Time wont heal your grief but I have found that it is getting easier. I hope it wont be long until you get a BFP. I know I am having another boy and we have Chosen the name Nathaniel which we chose for the meaning which is the same as Nathan "God has given". Your son Cooper was given to you for a reason and you seemed to have learned much from the experience. Don't let any of your pain go to waste. You have so much to offer hurting people and they are everywhere. I hope you understand what I mean. I'm not trying to minimize how you are feeling right now at all. Took a look at Coopers site just awesome.