I'm Dying Inside

I feel really terrible! I don't know who to tell or where to run due to a fear of being judged and looked down upon. I've been really stressed lately and finding that I'm just not 'happy' with much these days... I feel guilty about the fact that i'm not excited about the pregnancy, i feel guilty for not being able to give up smoking...i feel guilty about EVERYTHING! And so, last week, i had a binge drinking session....where i drank 2 bottles of red wine and 3 beers! I couldn't stop, i was enjoying being worry free...but that was only temporary of course...and here I am, feeling even worse....I'm pulling out my hair right now. My anxiety is so high at the moment... I keep reading online about 'fetal alcohol syndrome'....and I fear i may have caused my unborn baby to suffer this. I care so much for my baby, and I wouldn't dare consider doing the binge thing EVER AGAIN...I WISH i could turn back time....

I have no support, I keep fearing the worst, and i know i wouldn't be able to live with myself if i were to have caused my baby to have FAS.... I want to curl up and die right now, just so i don't have to feel this way.:cry:

Mysti,

Are you seeing a doctor or hospital for your antenatal care? Please do so if you aren't, and if you are, please mention to them how you are feeling. Hospitals these days are set up with perinatal counselling and if necessary they can get you into see a pschyarist. Feelings of guilt and anxiety are felt by many pregnant women (me included) and sometimes they can be overwhelming. No one will judge you, you need to talk to your doctor, OB or midwife about the binge and about your state of mind before and since then. No, you can't turn back time and what's done is done, but hun, you aren't the only one that has done this or feels this way. There is help out there, there is even medication you can take to help you if need be, but never feel guilty about your feelings, about not liking or wanting to be pregnant.

Please go and speak to someone in your care team and they can immediately organize some help for you. I can promise you that you can and will feel better when you are getting some support.

If you head over to the anxiety and depression forum here on BB, you can read that many of us pregnant ladies have had similar problems with our feelings in pregnancy, particularly the depression, guilt and anxiety.

I also want to send you some big hugs, you must be really needing them right now :hugs:

Mysti, Tara's just about said it all. Pregnancy is an enormous change to go through: it is totally understandable to have confusing and even distressing feelings at times, or even all the time. I'm so proud of you for speaking out - it can take so much darn courage just to admit we're not coping when in realtiy so many people struggle every day! You've made that first step and from here every step will hopefully get easier as YOU ARE NOT ALONE, no matter how alone you may feel. Please take Tara's advice and seek the help of your caregiver/s as soon as possible as the next step, as they will not only be able to set up supports for you, but maybe even help ease your immediate concerns. You sound as if you've tried everything you can on your own and with such determination and hard work - now it's time to allow others to help you. You, like every other expectant mother, are absolutely entitled to help my dear! You are a wonderful person who is worth everything - never lose sight of that fact. And check out the depression/anxiety threads when you feel able. Hope this helps. Huge hugs.

Mysti, I am on MSN at the moment if you want a chat.

HI Mysti, Tara summed it up. Some people can get pre-natal depression too - its a recognised problem. You need to go and speak to someone frankly about your feelings so they can figure out how to help you move forwards. I worry about the way you are feeling and that you say you have no support - makes it hard then to get some objective feedback on what's going on. So seek some help - and don't stop until someone helps you. We'll be here to encourage you and support you, just take a deep breath and talk to your Dr. Or even ring a midwife or maternal and child health nurse in your area. They can all help.

Mysti
You are not a bad person, you have taken a massive step by just comming in here and asking for help.
If I can help in any way. A chat, a cyber hug, reasurance. Contact me
Phone 0429 709 008
Email alan@yourmidwife.com.au
MSN midwife_oz@hotmail.com
I'm sure that I can help you

Mysti - a large percentage of pregnant women get depression when they are pregnant, it is very important that you talk to a professional about how you are feeling. if you don't know that you can, then write it in a letter or print off the post you just wrote and take it with you to show your gp / ob / midwife. let them know that you need help - because they will give it to you or get in touch with someone who can. it is important you do something about this now, before you do something you really regret and / or it develops into serious post-natal depression. and please remember that you are not alone in how you feel - but the extent of your emotions does need someone else to help you. HUGGS.

Thank you to all of you who had kind supportive things to say, it helped me immensely. I am now speaking to a counsellor about my thoughts,feelings etc and even after only one visit, i am starting to feel a little better. It was extremely hard for me to come out and be honest about myself and my actions, but i'm glad i did it. You have all reassured me that i am not a bad mother, and that i am worthy of help. I am so grateful to be apart of such a warm loving community such as BB.

If they were to run tests to see if my baby is ok, what would they be?? I am yet to speak to my midwife about the binge but was just curious to see if any of you had any idea?

I think that you would find that your bubs is ok. It's not an ongoing thing that you've been doing which is what it would take. It's great that you are speaking to someone and that it's already helping. Sometimes we really just need someone to listen and hear us to make us start to feel better. My offer is still there for you too...just add me to your MSN or email me anytime :) Take care.

Hi Mysti
Don’t worry hun, 1 binge drinking session is not going to harm you or your baby. Any test that they did now would not show that you had been binge drinking on one occasion. Also on the smoking, I never tell mew mum’s to give up smoking. I advise them to cut down as much as they can. In an ideal world no one would smoke or if they did they would be able to stop the moment they became pregnant. All babies would be born vaginally, without pain to the mother and after only 2 hours of labour. They would also come with an instruction manual.