How do you keep going??

Haven't really wanted to think about it at all.
2 weeks ago, I just had to watch my friend lose her baby.
I mean I took her to the hospital on Sunday night, called her husband, sat with him in emergency for hours, went back to their house -brought dinner, went home to relieve my husband looking after theirs and our little girls, stayed the night, took her to appointments all Monday, and waited for her on Tuesday morning after the D&C.

I have never NEVER felt so gutted in all my life. It was her 30th birthday weekend, so had to cancel all celebrations while all of this happened. And she had planned to tell her parents/in-law and family that weekend that she was pregnant and had to say "hi yeah, was pregnant, but just had a miscarriage".

She's handled the whole thing pretty much unreal, I went home and cried and cried with my husband. And boy did I treasure my little girl that night.

I'm horrified at the number of people on your angel's list, and just how often it seems to happen. I never want to get pregnant again!

How do you keep going? Do you want to remember the "products of conception" or "bloodclots" as a baby or is that too painful?

And what the bleeding f* is with ultrasound rooms having pictures of babies everywhere???? Not everyone is there for happy reasons. Has anyone else felt like that?

She says I was just perfect for her (tried so hard not cry my throat hurt for the next two days!!) which is great but - do we just go on from here? what happens next time she gets pregnant? (she's trying asap) do we get excited, hope against hope, remain neutral/non-emotional about it all?

I know everyone's different but ... what do you do??????

thanx - first time I've been able to unload about it, as no close friends really knew she was pregnant.

Oh honey Im so very sorry, you are a rock for your friend, she's very lucky to have you.

You poor darling, huge :hug: for you. I think in the future you need to tell her your very happy for her but to remian cool and clam until the forseeable danger is over (12wks).

That's all my advise, again Im so very sorry for your friend.xx

Nickel,

You probably have no idea how really fantastic you are being right now, and I just wanted to say a huge THANKYOU from the bottom of my heart to you for being there for your friend.

I remember all the hours of waiting and waiting and waiting some more at the hospital when I first found out about having an ectopic pregnancy. And it drove me crazy, to the point of tears of frustration at not having someone there to talk to me. (My DH wasn't able to be there)

I do agree with you about the ultrasound rooms. It was a bit upsetting to look around at all the baby pictures, I think maybe a room reserved especially for not so happy occasions is probably a good idea.

In terms of how I look at what has happened. I do think of myself as having been pregnant, but I don't think of myself as once having a baby. I guess because I didn't get to see the baby moving around or feel it kick, or even get really excited about being pregnant that it's hard for me to think of it as a "child". We found out I was pregnant the same day that we knew there was a problem.

And in terms of getting pregnant again - I can't wait to start trying. I think being happy and hopeful is the best thing you can do.

Once again, thanks for being such a great support for your friend.

All my love,
Curious

Nickel,

What a star you are.......your friend is a lucky lucky girl to have you.

In terms of your questions, it is possibly different for different women after an MC, and what they need from friends in terms of support, but for me:

~ For a week afterwards I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die and cry, but to know that I had my friends just there if I needed them.
~ For months and months afterwards I didn't want to talk about it to anyone apart from people I was close to, and again, I just needed to know that they were there and aware of my pain and to prop me up when needed.
~ In terms of TTC, when we got round to that again, I had 2 GF who knew we were TTC again, & they didn't constantly ask me about it, but were always on the end of the phone for me to talk to about it. Like a gentle and quiet supporters club, praying for us!
~ When I finally got PG again they were both fantastic and literally held my hand and my spirits through every day of the pregnancy and I felt really "cushioned" by their support, IYKWIM?

(Ritz and Alice, if you ever read this, I could never have done my pregnancy with Olivia without you....you were both fantastic.)

Nickel, just the fact that you are so aware means you will react in all right ways, I am sure..........

I think you are being an incredible friend. It is wonderful that you are there for your friend through what is probably one of the most difficult times in her life.

Like the others have said, what women need following a m/c or loss is different for everybody. We are all individuals and handle situations in different ways, and so respond to grief and loss in unique ways.

To answer some of your questions:

~ Yes, at times it was very hard to keep going. I felt like an emotional wreck and wasn't sure how to keep going, but somehow, I did. In time, it got a little easier to get up in the mornings.

~ Yes, I do think of myself as having had babies. Particularly my 1st m/c, where I found out at my 1st OB appt.....I saw our little one lifeless on the screen in front of us, with little arm and leg buds. This is something I will never forget.

~ About TTC again....I would try to be guided by your friend on this one, and just support whatever decision her and her DH arrive at. It's a very individual decision, and only they will know what is best for them. Some people cannot face TTC again for some time, others want to TTC again as soon as possible. She will most likely talk about this when she is ready and will let you know how she feels about it.

You asked how you keep going & my answer is by taking it one day at a time for as long as you need to. I still occasionally take things one day at a time, especially around anniversaries, but we are all different in how we approach things.

You are a wonderful friend who needs to be recognised for all that you have done for your friends. Not everyone would put themselves out as much as you did to help your friend get through this difficult time. It can take it out of you as well as your friend, so I hope that from time to time you are taking some time out for yourself to do something special.

When I lost my little boy last year we were almost at the halfway mark (we lost him at 18w5d) & for ages I was wrapped up in how I was dealing with it & kinda forgot about my DH & my mum who were also there. After talking heaps to them about how they felt we all got some stuff off our chests & are loads better for doing it.

As for your friend & TTC again, be there whenever she needs to & support her the best way you can. She will let you know if things are getting a bit much so be guided by her.

Nic, you have been a fantastic friend through her ordeal and many of us wish we had friends and understanding, caring and supportive as you have been.

As for what happens now, all you need to do is continue being the wonderful friend you have been. Yes be excited for her if she falls again, but just understand that she may be a little apprehensive and anxious about the whole thing and its likely to be a completely different experience for her.

But if I were you I wouldnt think too much about it because it seems you are a great friend who will know what the right thing is to do, because so long as you have your friend's best interest at heart, you'll be fine.